Tuesday, December 4, 2007

ramblings about coffee

can i just say that i love coffee? i really do, more than i should. sometimes i think about being married and pregnant someday and not being able to drink coffee so freely and i start to wonder what i'm going to do...and then i remember that i'm single and not pregnant and being a bit ridiculous, not that that's surprising...
anyway, coffee...ah...today i got 2 gift certificates to my favorite coffee shop in town, CCs, and i could not have been more happy. i think what makes it even better for me is that it's not even really just about the rich flavors and variety and what not of the actual drink, but the joy of sharing it with others. yes, i have done the drive thru at CCs and starbucks a time or two, but you just can't compare that to sitting down with friends over a wonderful iced caramel latte and laughing and telling stories and having deep and real conversations. i love that. i love having gift certificates for coffee now so i can have another excuse to go for coffee with others and even treat them if they'll let me. i really wish i could have a job where i take people for good coffee and heart to heart conversations. that would be seriously pretty much perfect.
i think i also love coffee because it's played such a random, yet significant, role in my personal history. my family tradtion has been that dad brings coffee milk to the kids when he wakes them up in the morning. i didn't always appreciate this as a kid, but i've always liked the idea of how it was a tradition, because my papa had done it for his kids as well. i'll do it for my kids too, i imagine, or get my husband to bring it to them and me :)
other than that, though, i didn't really start drinking coffee regularly until i lived with my grandma for 2 years. it was our morning routine to wake up and have breakfast and coffee. for a while, we also had a wednesday morning routine of cooking biscuits and sausage and eggs and having dad and my brother and whoever else was up over, but that faded as miles started a new school schedule and grandma's health declined. but the two of us still had coffee and at least cereal most every morning, and even if we didn't talk much, it was still a sweet part of the day.
india is where i think i truly became addicted to coffee, which seems kind of funny since it's really more known for chai/tea. but coffee shops are popping up everywhere there now, and it's so cheap that we could easily go out for coffee mulitple times a week, esp in the last few months i was there, when our friends opened a coffee shop down the street from our apartment. we could even have coffee and sweets delivered to our door! truly dangerous...
but india is where it became a community thing. our supervisors had lived in mexico, and they drank coffee ALL the time, all hours of the day. and when i got a big coffee pot for my birthday, my roommates went from occasionally drinking coffee to having it every morning with me, as well as many afternoons and evenings with sweets and friends.
i can't say that it's taken over my life (though i won't deny that i am seriously addicted to caffiene), but coffee has definitely become a significant part of my life, if that makes sense. i guess it's really not the coffee itself, but the way it seems to be such a perfect thing for community to develop around, and that is where my heart really is. and, hey, it doesn't hurt that it tastes good too.
i'm not going to read back over this to see if it really makes sense, so forgive me if it's extra rambly...i should be packing right now for my upcoming wedding trip to alabama and california, but, well, i am a procrastinator at heart. ah well.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

hope bubbles

when i was in the check out line at walmart earlier, i had something to blog about, but i seem to have lost it. it was something, because i was feeling pretty overwhelmed this evening--i almost cried right there in the line with the 15 other people waiting to check out (and it wasn't just because it was so ridiculous in there!).
i don't know. today hasn't been a bad day. i've actually had fun, hanging out with friends, eating good food, watching football, helping out a friend's family, not being stuck at home. all good stuff. and yet i still feel so sad. so lost and confused and just plain mad about it all. i want SO much to know what the heck i'm supposed to do next with my life, and yet, every time i turn around i feel still so unsure, so confused and so frustrated and lonely.
i'm 27. i don't have a job. i'm not seeing anyone. i live with my parents. i have no real direction about what i want to do with my life. (insert expletive)
i had a little flash back moment earlier to a time when stuff like this would just totally overwhelm me to the point of just wanting to give up on it all. i thought about that for a moment and then i thought about how that hope is still bubbling up in my heart. painfully. but none the less, still there. i hate some days, some moments and decisions, but i don't hate life like i used to, and i think that's something to feel good about. there is Someone who will never let me go, and has and will NOT fail or forget or leave me, and when i let that sink in, hope bubbles a little more.
thank You.
i also heard once that when you have a bad day, sometimes the best thing you can do is just to go to sleep and hope that tomorrow is better, which sounds really good right about now.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

blow your box

i said the above phrase earlier tonight while having coffee with two friends. they both laughed because they thought i was trying to say "blow your mind" but i really meant to say "blow your box."
let me explain.
we were talking about God and i don't remember exactly what i was saying, but it had something to do with God doing things that are way beyond and outside of what we expect--He basically blows open/apart the box that we try to put Him in. it's not always fun, but i would say generally it's pretty amazing and always good, in the long run, at least.
the funny thing about this random and unplanned statement is that it ties in to what i've been thinking about throughout the day today. this morning, i was doing good, other than being tired. then i started thinking about last night and family drama and i got mad again. i read a little in matthew 14 and 15, and thought specifically about the part where Jesus says that if we love Him, we'll obey Him and love others.
frustrating.
so i prayed that He'd help me to love Him more, because asking to love others more, or just be less hatefully angry, hadn't gotten me very far. and then i went to the gym. as i huffed it on the treadmill, i thought about the goodness and joy i'd felt last night before i went to bed and i wanted to feel that way again, but i still was pretty mad. somewhere in all this, i realized something: i may not be able to create or cultivate or force that joy, but i am able to make room for it. i may not be able to get rid of the angry, or to ignore it even, but i can push it to the side enough to let joy in.
or, better yet, i can let Him blow my box as He pushes the joy in. or something like that.
i think it's just this ever-deepening revelation that there's a lot more room to grow in my heart than i'd ever realized. yeah, i'd like to see the bad stuff go, but it might take longer than i'd like because it almost certainly has roots that go down much deeper than i realize, and that's ok.
the key is to make room. to prepare. to expect and await what He has in store, even (and especially) when i have no clue what it's going to be, or what it's going to do to me.

more on why

i think another reason i wanted to start this blog goes along with why i got my guitar out at midnight tonight in the first place.
i had frustrating night that turned into something awesome.
i was in a grouchy mood earlier. really grouchy, moving toward pretty much nasty. i was driving and talking to God and telling Him exactly how i felt about the whole situation (and not nicely) and how i didn't know what to do and i was angry, and not really ready to let that go.
where was i going? bible study. of course.
i wanted to go, because we hadn't met in about 2 weeks because of thanksgiving, but i also didn't want to deal with my nastiness, but i knew something had to be done so that i could actually participate in bible study. i didn't want to be fake and perfect, but i also didn't want to nasty towards my friends.
so i drove. and i arrived at my friends house, and everyone was already there. we talked, and laughed and ate awesome snacks. i played around on my friends guitar and got my tail kicked in Uno. and we talked about ephesians 5, the stuff we liked and didn't, and my friend's mom gave us some great insight. oh and another one of my friends showed us her dance to "sexy back." (she did it for her interpretive dance class, believe it or not).
it was about 5 hours of time with people that i'm still just getting to know and love, and i realized as i got in my car that God had used this time and these friends to fill up some of the big cracks that had been exposed earlier in my heart. i knew the anger wasn't all about tonight as i was driving over there, but i didn't have any better idea about what to do with it. so i just told God that, and, somehow, He did something, because there was joy seeping in and deep when i drove home tonight.
everything is not perfect or right or fixed.
i'm still struggling with anger, and i don't know what to do next.
but something good happened tonight.
hope bubbled up, surrounded by laughter and silliness and good pastries.
i think i want to write, to sing, to SHOUT because i am feeling a little bit of a happy buzz on the Spirit, and i'm ready to drink more deeply! (eph 5)
i don't have the answers, but i want to dig and search and process, and hopefully help others along the way.
so, stay tuned and we'll see what happens...
this is my most recent whole song, which is sad, because i wrote it over a year ago. but it's also one of my favorites. my friend shannon was leaving india and wrote a blog that inspired me, and so, this song.

Reflections on the Journey OR Joy in the Journey
(17 November 2006)

G Am* C G
It took more than just a step of faith
To follow You to such a strange place
But now the strange has become home

A home like none I have ever known
With friends who became my family
It turned out not so different from what I left behind

But now it’s time for me to carry on
A new chapter has begun
It’s time to say goodbye to this part of my journey

Em C G Em* (4x)
And I’m torn, because I long to see what You have in store
But this broken land my heart will not release
So I’ll step out in faith like I did when I followed You here
Because this strange place has made a home in me

C G Am* Em C G Em*
There is joy in the journey
Though it breaks our hearts to take some steps
In faith we find
You’ve been leading us all along

C G Am* Em C
There is joy in the journey
For when we follow You
We find out who
We really are…

I’ve learned it takes more than a step of faith
To follow You to each new strange place
But somehow You make the strange become home

So I’ll rejoice in what the daybreak brings
As You teach me new songs to sing
Of Your grace, through the joy and the pain

And through the sweetest of joys and the hardest of blows
My heart can rest where Your Spirit goes
Because I know You’ll always be walking with me

Em C G Em* (2x)
They say time heals all wounds
But I pray that it leaves
A broken piece in me
To remember each place,
And who I became
Every step of this journey…

C G Am* Em C G Em*
There is joy in the journey
Though it breaks our hearts to take some steps
In faith we find
You’ve been leading us all along

C G Am* Em C
There is joy in the journey
For when we follow You
We find out who
We really are
When we follow You
We find out who
We really are…
YOUR LOVE NEVER FAILS

Holy God, You are faithful
Oh my Father, You’re able
To love me right where I am
To hold me in spite of the weight of my sins

Your love never fails
But through faith You unveil
Mercy that’s deeper than the sea
And a grace that covers the worst of me

I’m so far from perfection
Just an empty reflection
Of a Savior who died for me
Who came to this earth just to set me free

Your love never fails
But through faith You unveil
Mercy that’s deeper than the sea
And a grace that covers the worst of me

When my friends have all hurt me
And my family deserts me
You’ll be right there by my side
You’ll love me and give me a safe place to hide

Your love never fails
But through faith You unveil
Mercy that’s deeper than the sea
And a grace that covers the worst of me

Mercy that’s deeper than the sea
And a grace that covers the worst of me

Cause your love never fails
Your love never fails
Why Can’t I Trust You?
(2/14/02 & 2/22/02)

Capo 1
Intro: E E* A2 E

Verse 1
E E* A2 E

When the rains came
And washed my house away
I was not afraid
I was not afraid

When the fire raged
And tried to burn my heart
My faith did not depart
My faith did not depart

And whether mountains high
Or valleys so low
You never let me go
You never let me go

Chorus 1
C#m B A2 C#m B A2

But then the sun set
And the shadows crept up
And took me by surprise
And as the darkness wrapped around me
I feared I’d never see the light again…

Chorus 2
E E* A2 E

So why can’t I trust you
To make the sun rise tomorrow
To give me joy for my sorrow
Like you promised you would

Why can’t I trust you?
Why do I run from the darkness
Instead of standing on the promise
That you’d carry me through

Verse 2

My heart and mind
Seem forever at war
And I’m not sure
Who to believe anymore

For though your promise never changed
From the valleys to the rain,
When the light began to fade,
My hope was swept away

And like the little foxes
That spoil the vine
It’s the smaller things
That destroy me over time

Chorus 1

Chorus 2 (2x)

Bridge

C#m B A2 C#m B A2
My faith is in my sight and I can’t see very far
My hope is in my might and I’m falling apart
E E* A2 E
So why can’t I trust you?

E E* A2 E
When I Close My Eyes

This world falls short of my smallest dreams,
And leaves no hope for bigger things
What I’ve seen so far has only deceived me

So it seems for lack of common sense,
I find I cling to worthlessness
Little shiny things take my eyes off pure gold

Though I know there’s more to life than what I see
Sometimes I just find it so hard to believe
Can I trust you when you say you won’t leave me?

Without you I have nothing
My life is not my own.
My hopes, my dreams, my plans, my schemes
Fade away in the light of your throne…

But when I close my eyes
And the world fades away
I realize You’re here,
By my side, always.

Then through the darkness you whisper my name
And use my fears to draw me to your side
You carry me gently like a sleeping child

Great desires in my heart you place,
Hope for more fills the depths of my soul
Passion calls me to follow where you lead me

But then I cry for help and you fail to shout back
I start to wonder if you’ve left me
Will you be no better than the other loves I’ve lost?

Without you I have nothing
My life is not my own.
My hopes, my dreams, my plans, my schemes
Fade away in the light of your throne…

But when I close my eyes
And the world fades away
I realize You’re here,
By my side, always.

You tear me down so you can build me up
And sometimes it makes me wanna scream
But it’s through this breaking that you’ll heal me

Your greatness moves in such beautiful ways
As I find redemption in an unlikely place
Along with a peace I can’t comprehend

And though this life has shown itself hard
Desire carries me on
And hopes of heaven feed my weary soul

Without you I have nothing
My life is not my own.
My hopes, my dreams, my plans, my schemes
Fade away in the light of your throne…

But when I close my eyes
And the world fades away
I realize You’re here,
By my side, always…
Things Seen and Unseen
(capo on 2nd)

Intro: G D C G

G D C
I lift my soul to the mountain
G D C
I let my eyes seek your face
G D Em C
My heart cries out in need of you
G D C
O Lord, touch me with your grace

G D C
I lift my voice to the heavens
G D C
I sing a song of faith
G D Em C
My flesh is weak, but you take my hand
G D C
O Lord, lead me by your grace


Chorus:

Em D F C
Through the things seen and unseen
G D C G
I will follow you, I will follow you
Em D F C
And I’ll trust you to lead me through
G D F C
The things seen and unseen


G D C
I lift my hands to your purpose
G D C
I want to walk in your ways
G D Em C
I’m scattered pieces but you make me whole
G D C
O Lord, bind me in your grace


Repeat Chorus
Bittersweet (5-23-03)

C#m A2 B
Some say “it’s not easy being me”
A2 C#m B
But I think it’s hard just to be anybody
Cause this life is so bittersweet
That some days I just want to spit it out
But the taste always draws me back in
And I start to swallow the pain with the joy
Cause the truths I learn through my tears
Are the stones that build me whole…

Bridge:
A2 B C#m
Let me die to myself as you come fill me up
A2 B
Drown my pride in the flood of your love

Chorus:

I don’t want to live in this death anymore
So come move your spirit through this body
I don’t want to breathe in this air
No, I want more of you, I want more of you
Come fill me up…
Only You

G Em D C

Not your works Lord
Not your gifts
Your blessings or your favor

And not what you
Can do for me
Not any of these things

Only you alone
Only you my Lord
Jesus my desire is only you

Only you my Lord
You my only hope
Jesus my desire is only you
Only you alone
9/18/00

Hiding Place

F#m D A
In the storms of my life, I need a rock to cling to
F#m D A
In the darkness of night, I need a light to follow
F#m D A
When I’m weak and I’m tired, I need a place to rest
E
Where I’ll find peace.

Chorus:
D
You are my hiding place
E
You protect me from trouble
A B2
You surround me with songs of deliverance
D E A
You are my hiding place and I find true peace in You


In the storms of my life, You are the Rock I cling to

In the darkness of night, You are the Light that guides me

When I’m weak and I’m tired, You will let me rest

You give me peace

(repeat chorus)
BE STILL (February 18, 2001)

Intro: F# G D A F# G D A

A G1 D1 A1
In this life I’ve found many more questions than answers
A1 G1 D1 A1
And on this road I’ve traveled I’ve reached my share of dead ends
A1 G1 D1 A1
But I’ve realized that you’re got your own way of doing things
A1 G1 D1 A1
And it’s when I think I’m dying that you revive me again

You said,

CHORUS
G1 D1 F# G
Be still and know that I alone am God
G1 D1 F# G
Be still and you’ll find that I do all things in my time
G1 D1 F# G
Be still and you’ll see that I will always meet your needs
G A G1
Be still and know that I am God

D F# G G1 D F# G A

A G1 D1 A1
Many days I have waited for answers to my desperate prayers
A1 G1 D1 A1
And many tears I have cried in fear that you’d forgotten about me
A1 G1 D1 A1
But you have taught me your greatness through the weaknesses in my life
A1 G1 D1 A1
And Lord I’ve learned it’s patience that in the end will satisfy

‘Cause you said,

CHORUS

G1 D F# G G1 D F# G A

BRIDGE

F# G D A
I asked for patience and you told me to wait
F# G D A
I asked for friendship and it’s taken a while
F# G D A
I asked for wisdom, you let me see like a child
F# G D A
But this joy I have has made it all worth while
F# G D A
Yes Lord, this joy I have has made my waiting worth while

And now I can…
G1 D1 F# G
Be still and see that you alone are God
G1 D1 F# G
I will be still so I can find how you’ve done it all in your time
G1 D1 F# G
I will be still so I can see exactly how you’ve met my needs
G A G
I will be still and know that you are God
G A G1 D
I will be still and know that you are God

***i often "make up" chords and just assign them names like "G1". the bad thing is that now i have no idea what G1 really means...oh well...***
this is another one of my first songs (fall 1999ish), written after having a long talk with a good friend.


Crumble

Intro: G2 D Em C (capo on 1st)

G2 D Em
I sat and held her hand;
C G D Em
As the tears ran down, she told her story.
G2 D C2
But words could never express
C G D A7
The heartache that she’d long been hiding.
G2 D Em
And yet I felt I’d collapse
C G D Am
From the weight of what she finally told me.

Pre-Chorus:
C Em Am
She said, “I know I may look strong,
F
But somedays…

Chorus:
D Em C
When I walk I stumble,
D Em C
And then I fall and I crumble.
D Em C
And though I try to hide it,
D Am Em C
I don’t always do real well.
D Am C G D Am C G C2
No, I don’t always do real well.


G2 D Em
As we both sat in silence,
C G D C2
I felt her words sinking in.
G2 D Em
Although we may deny it,
C G D C2
We all have secrets we struggle with.



2nd Pre-Chorus:
C Em Am
I said, “You know, we all seem strong,
F
But somedays…

2nd Chorus:
D Em C
When we walk we stumble,
D Em C
And then we fall and we crumble.
D Em C
Although we try to hide it,
D Am Em C
We don’t always do real well.
D Am C G D Am C G
No, we won’t always do real well.

D Dsus D Dsus D

Bridge:
F2 C2 G2
But it’s not a battle to be fought alone;
Em C G Am
At some point we’ll have to let it all go,
F
‘Cause somedays…

2nd Chorus
this is the first song i ever wrote, fall 1999, i think.

What Really Matters

Intro: Am D F C Am D F Am D F C F C E

Am D F C
Sometimes I walk in the light with my eyes closed
Am D F
And yet I can’t understand why I don’t see the road
Am D C
My heart’s not in anything and I’m drifting day by day
Am D F C
If I ever knew what was real, well I don’t anymore
F C E
No, I don’t anymore

Am D F C
Words spill from my lips that I don’t understand
Am D F
I lead a conversation that I can’t follow
Am D C
I’m reaching for something that I’m not sure exists
Am D F C
Seeking nothing more than less trouble than this mess
E
I’m in…

Chorus:

‘Cause
Am C G
Every time I think I’ve got what really matters
Am F C G Gsus G
Just when I start to see over the wall
Am C
Turns out that all I have are
D Em Am
Pieces of something shattered
Em F C
Broken dreams scattered
G Gsus G
On the floor

Am G C Em E



Am D F C
I have no choice but to live day to day
Am D F
To struggle until I collapse
Am D C
I’m tired of living on the surface level
Am D F C
I’ve got to dig deeper, but I don’t know how,
F C E
No, I don’t know how
Am F
I need a hand to hold and a voice to say,
C F E
“Don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid”

Chorus Em Am

Bm G D A
If I fall apart, will you pick up the pieces?
Bm G D A
If I break down, will you build me up again?
Bm G D A
‘Cause I’m afraid to lose this fight
Bm G D
‘Cause I’m afraid I’ll lose more
A G D
Than just the broken pieces of my life
A G D Dsus
Just the broken pieces of my life

Chorus

cheating

so i'm going to post some of the songs i've written over the almost 10 years i've been playing guitar. then, hopefully, i'll write some new stuff!

this first song is not the first song i ever wrote, but it's definitely one of my favorites, mainly because it meant so much at the time i wrote it (fall 2003?) and because of one verse that still just speaks so much to me (i'll put it in bold).

OCEANSIDE

INTRO: E* C#m B A

VERSES: E* C#m B A

October night at the beach
I sit quietly on the shore
As I let my feet dangle in the water

Read my journal and play guitar
Watch the waves and then the stars
And think about all I’ve done
And yet how far, how far I have to go

And I think about the things I want
And it frightens me to realize
I might give you up
In my search for satisfaction

‘Cause my foolish heart aches
For the pain of scars cut
Long ago by my own two hands

And I cling relentlessly
To hopes I fear you won’t fulfill
And in vain I try to live life as a dream

Then like a whisper in my ear I hear a voice that
Says let go and trust the waves
Whose origin you can’t quite see

Toss your bags, your burdens, your cares, your fears
Into the sea, and let what sinks sink
And rejoice in what floats but don’t cling

CHORUS:
C#m B
Let go, let go
A B
And dive into the mystery of the ocean
C#m B A B
Let go and come, let it carry you away
C#m B A
To a place you never knew your heart was longing for
C#m B A
Oh, let go

Now standing at the edge
Of the ocean I feel the water pull my
Feet in to the sand

And I hear a voice say
Come a little deeper than you think is safe
And I will carry you when you can’t reach the bottom

And swim a little farther than you
Did yesterday and you will
Find me in each wave

CHORUS:
C#m B
Let go, let go
A B
And dive into the mystery of the ocean
C#m B A B
Let go and come, let it carry you away
C#m B A
To a place you never knew your heart was longing for
C#m B A
Oh, let go

BRIDGE:
C#m B A
The ocean is always moving
B C#m A
As my life is ever changing
C#m B
Whether I stand on the shore
A B
Or dive into the waves
C#m
One thing is certain:
A B C#m
I can’t escape the change
A B A
No, I can’t escape the change.


Now I realize that sometimes this is
Life, standing on the edge of the
Sand looking out to never-ending sea

With a heart full of questions I feel I’m
Shouting to the wind and
Answers that evade me time and again

And maybe there are no answers at all
Rather just the haunting call
Of the waves on my heart, my soul, my toes
Telling me to…


CHORUS:
C#m B
Let go, let go
A B
And dive into the mystery of the ocean
C#m B A B
Let go and come, let it carry you away
C#m B A
To a place you never knew your heart was longing for
C#m B A
To a place you never knew your heart was longing for
C#m B A
To a place you never knew your heart was longing for
C#m B A
Oh, let go

why

i hate the thought of saying that i'm an "aspiring writer." the truth is, i hate even admitting how much i love to write, how i dream up stories or commentaries or talks or songs in my head almost non stop. even more, though, i think i fear exposing this side of myself...hence, the blog. i don't know why, but as i was sitting here on my bed, at guitar, bible, journal, and laptop all gathered round, it hit me...why not? isaiah 54:2 says, hold nothing back. let go. speak. whatever. so, i don't know what all this blog will be, but i'm going to attempt to write and post and just see what happens.