this afternoon i washed my car. in the rain. sometimes i get in a mood and feel like i HAVE TO do something, even if it doesn't make sense at that moment.
my car had been covered in mud since i returned from the lake saturday afternoon. yesterday, i ended up driving everybody around to lunch, etc, and i'm sure it was quite funny to see us packed in there, all covered in mud. i was sure people were staring at the back, where someone had written "just married" in the mud, and wondering what was going on.
or maybe not. sometimes i think i obsess over what other people are thinking about me, when in reality, they probably are not paying any attention to what i look like or what i'm doing. but that's another topic.
this afternoon, i was feeling frustrated. kind of kicking myself, so to say. realizing that i keep doing the same dumb things over and over, expecting different results. hoping that my efforts will eventually lead to my happiness, and convincing myself that if i just work hard enough, if i'm just good enough, nice enough, funny enough, helpful enough, everything enough, i'll be happy, loved, respected, desired, everything.
but life just does not work that way.
i still find myself unhappy at the end of some days, even though i've tried incredibly hard. it's enough to make me want to pull my hair out.
or wash my car in the rain.
i started talking to God as i scrubbed and sprayed away at the mud, and while i didn't feel like i was getting a direct or lightning like answer from Him, the words to this Cheryl Crow song started running through my mind on repeat:
If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the h*ll are you so sad
hmmm...not that Cheryl Crow has a total handle on life and emotions and what not, but she does have a point. do i just build myself up, puff myself up into believing i'm happy, on the right path, when, at the end of the day, i'm sad and lonely?
dumb, definitely.
not sure what to do with all this, but i'm definitely getting tired of finding myself stuck in this same cycle...
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
20/20
this is bound to be cheesy...
i just had a very surprising and sentimental moment, flipping back through my old desk calendar. i bought this calendar in August 2007, and i just got to the end of it (it covered 18 months). i was about to throw it away, but i wanted to make sure there weren't any important numbers, etc on it that i might need.
i didn't really find any such numbers, but i did have this weird sense of unraveling time, walking through the past in reverse for a few moments. looking at lunch meetings, conferences, trips, parties--all sorts of everyday events, and seeing them now through the present instead of the past. very weird.
surprisingly sentimental. but then again, i love putting pieces together and seeing how things fit--like when i met someone, when connections were made, etc, and this was like a mini journey back through all that.
it's especially weird to look at things that i planned (meetings, events, etc) and know that when i wrote them on the calendar, they were in the future, unknown, etc. some turned out great. some blew up in my face. but now i can look back and see them from a totally different perspective, and something about that just feels both so normal and so strange.
are things any clearer than they were then? well, some are. somethings that were totally unknown are now long done and forgotten. other things, things that maybe even seemed insignificant at the time, turned out to be moments that shaped the future--mine and others'.
i love stuff like this. i love seeing God's hand at work, being able to trace it back through my life, and that seems especially significant for this past year and a half.
yeah, fairly cheesy, yes, i know. but sweet too.
so i didn't throw the calendar away. it's under my desk, and i'm sure i'll get annoyed with it and toss it eventually, but i think i need to keep it for a little bit longer.
man, i'm such a sap :)
i just had a very surprising and sentimental moment, flipping back through my old desk calendar. i bought this calendar in August 2007, and i just got to the end of it (it covered 18 months). i was about to throw it away, but i wanted to make sure there weren't any important numbers, etc on it that i might need.
i didn't really find any such numbers, but i did have this weird sense of unraveling time, walking through the past in reverse for a few moments. looking at lunch meetings, conferences, trips, parties--all sorts of everyday events, and seeing them now through the present instead of the past. very weird.
surprisingly sentimental. but then again, i love putting pieces together and seeing how things fit--like when i met someone, when connections were made, etc, and this was like a mini journey back through all that.
it's especially weird to look at things that i planned (meetings, events, etc) and know that when i wrote them on the calendar, they were in the future, unknown, etc. some turned out great. some blew up in my face. but now i can look back and see them from a totally different perspective, and something about that just feels both so normal and so strange.
are things any clearer than they were then? well, some are. somethings that were totally unknown are now long done and forgotten. other things, things that maybe even seemed insignificant at the time, turned out to be moments that shaped the future--mine and others'.
i love stuff like this. i love seeing God's hand at work, being able to trace it back through my life, and that seems especially significant for this past year and a half.
yeah, fairly cheesy, yes, i know. but sweet too.
so i didn't throw the calendar away. it's under my desk, and i'm sure i'll get annoyed with it and toss it eventually, but i think i need to keep it for a little bit longer.
man, i'm such a sap :)
Sunday, January 4, 2009
cars, coffee and choices
ever had one of those awesome moments, so full and good and great and then
BAM!
something crazy or bad or at least just annoying happens?
just a few minutes ago, i was pulling back into my driveway after a trip to CC's coffee house, happily sipping an extra hot, skinny caramel latte and singing "from the inside out" (hillsong). as i parked the car, the song wrapped up and i had a few sweet moments of genuine praise and connection with God.
then as i was getting out of the car, i hit my hand on the door or something and splashed caramel latte all over myself. thankfully it wasn't from McDonald's or i may be at the ER right now.
small thing, i know, and mainly just annoying, but i somehow knew i had a choice at that moment. my heart, just seconds before, had felt so pure and full, and now the ugly, angry urgings were rearing their ugly heads. i knew i could get mad and grumpy and spout off a few choice words to try and make myself feel better. it was tempting, for sure.
but in a rare moment of clarity, i realized that while my circumstances had changed for the worse, my heart didn't have to. i didn't have to lose my focus on Him, to break the sweet connection that had been so natural moments before. i could choose to let go of how i was feeling, what i was experiencing, and trust that He was still God and still good, even though i had hot, sticky coffee all over my hands.
very small. very simple. very much nothing on the grand scale of things. but, i think that's why it was important. those big moments, where big choices to praise Him in nightmarish storms don't typically happen because of some super-human strength that descends upon us. they come from a life of discipline, of making small choices because we believe that there are big consequences hinging on the sum total of the little things we do.
while the big moments and big choices may seem to define us, the truth is that character is built in the everyday moments when we choose to trust Him more than our selves or our circumstances.
today, i made the right choice. tomorrow, i might not. that won't change who He is, and what He's up to in my life, and for that i'm truly thankful.
on another quick note: spiritual retreat yesterday was amazing. more on that to come.
BAM!
something crazy or bad or at least just annoying happens?
just a few minutes ago, i was pulling back into my driveway after a trip to CC's coffee house, happily sipping an extra hot, skinny caramel latte and singing "from the inside out" (hillsong). as i parked the car, the song wrapped up and i had a few sweet moments of genuine praise and connection with God.
then as i was getting out of the car, i hit my hand on the door or something and splashed caramel latte all over myself. thankfully it wasn't from McDonald's or i may be at the ER right now.
small thing, i know, and mainly just annoying, but i somehow knew i had a choice at that moment. my heart, just seconds before, had felt so pure and full, and now the ugly, angry urgings were rearing their ugly heads. i knew i could get mad and grumpy and spout off a few choice words to try and make myself feel better. it was tempting, for sure.
but in a rare moment of clarity, i realized that while my circumstances had changed for the worse, my heart didn't have to. i didn't have to lose my focus on Him, to break the sweet connection that had been so natural moments before. i could choose to let go of how i was feeling, what i was experiencing, and trust that He was still God and still good, even though i had hot, sticky coffee all over my hands.
very small. very simple. very much nothing on the grand scale of things. but, i think that's why it was important. those big moments, where big choices to praise Him in nightmarish storms don't typically happen because of some super-human strength that descends upon us. they come from a life of discipline, of making small choices because we believe that there are big consequences hinging on the sum total of the little things we do.
while the big moments and big choices may seem to define us, the truth is that character is built in the everyday moments when we choose to trust Him more than our selves or our circumstances.
today, i made the right choice. tomorrow, i might not. that won't change who He is, and what He's up to in my life, and for that i'm truly thankful.
on another quick note: spiritual retreat yesterday was amazing. more on that to come.
Friday, January 2, 2009
retreat
over the past 3 years, i've made a habit of going on little spiritual retreats with God. usually, it's just a matter of turning off the cell phone and blocking off a good 5 or so hours to be alone, at home typically. but this time, i'm changing things up and heading out to the lake with a friend of mine. we're spending the night and coming back tomorrow afternoon. i'm not sure what it's going to look like, but i am getting excited. God has already been speaking so much to me this week, and He never ceases to amaze me on these little retreats with Him.
so, we'll see. more on this later for sure.
so, we'll see. more on this later for sure.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
put your best foot forward with a grin
there were quite a few things on my mind earlier that i was tossing around as good ideas to post about, but they seem to all be gone now. probably due to major lack of sleep. last night was great, but i didn't go to bed until 7 am, and while i did sleep most of the day, i'm still pretty groggy.
i had some song in mind earlier, thinking that it was just perfect for this coming year...it's on the tip of my tongue, but i can't
oh wait, now i remember:
Nobody's Got It All Together
By Jill Phillips
Working hard to tie up the loose ends
So hard to decide who you let in
Put your best foot forward with a grin
I can see the fear behind your eyes
Wondering if someone will recognize
You’ve grown tired of keeping up the lies
Don’t whitewash the truth about yourself ‘cause
Nobody’s got it all together
If you want to be like everyone else well
Nobody’s got it all together
I have seen the darkness of my heart
And found a love that taught me its too hard
To walk through life and not let down my guard
What good is it to say "please Savior come"
If there is nothing you need rescue from
Life is something no one has a corner on
Don’t whitewash the truth about yourself ‘cause
Nobody’s got it all together
If you want to be like everyone else well
Nobody’s got it all together
When the parts that are self righteous
Start to disappear
Every other life is
Just another mirror
And life is way too short to run and hide
Don’t whitewash the truth about yourself ‘cause
Nobody’s got it all together
If you want to be like everyone else well
Nobody’s got it all together
(to listen to it live, check this link out)
Jill Phillips is probably one of my favorite singers/song writers, and this song is one of the reasons why. I love the honesty and cleverness of her writing, and I think she's a person I'd actually hang out with in real life.
This song is what I want to characterize 2009...This reality that it's ok to not be perfect or good enough because nobody is. I know that's kind of a "duh" statement, but it's one that I'm realizing I know in my head but don't necessarily KNOW in my heart. I could go on and on about this song, but I think it's pretty self explanatory. Trust Him, let go, stop trying to be good enough.
Easier said than done, for sure.
But it's a new year. Full of potential.
i had some song in mind earlier, thinking that it was just perfect for this coming year...it's on the tip of my tongue, but i can't
oh wait, now i remember:
Nobody's Got It All Together
By Jill Phillips
Working hard to tie up the loose ends
So hard to decide who you let in
Put your best foot forward with a grin
I can see the fear behind your eyes
Wondering if someone will recognize
You’ve grown tired of keeping up the lies
Don’t whitewash the truth about yourself ‘cause
Nobody’s got it all together
If you want to be like everyone else well
Nobody’s got it all together
I have seen the darkness of my heart
And found a love that taught me its too hard
To walk through life and not let down my guard
What good is it to say "please Savior come"
If there is nothing you need rescue from
Life is something no one has a corner on
Don’t whitewash the truth about yourself ‘cause
Nobody’s got it all together
If you want to be like everyone else well
Nobody’s got it all together
When the parts that are self righteous
Start to disappear
Every other life is
Just another mirror
And life is way too short to run and hide
Don’t whitewash the truth about yourself ‘cause
Nobody’s got it all together
If you want to be like everyone else well
Nobody’s got it all together
(to listen to it live, check this link out)
Jill Phillips is probably one of my favorite singers/song writers, and this song is one of the reasons why. I love the honesty and cleverness of her writing, and I think she's a person I'd actually hang out with in real life.
This song is what I want to characterize 2009...This reality that it's ok to not be perfect or good enough because nobody is. I know that's kind of a "duh" statement, but it's one that I'm realizing I know in my head but don't necessarily KNOW in my heart. I could go on and on about this song, but I think it's pretty self explanatory. Trust Him, let go, stop trying to be good enough.
Easier said than done, for sure.
But it's a new year. Full of potential.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
2008
so, 2009 is just about 5 hours away...crazy...
2008 has been a pretty good year. i've learned a lot about myself, the hard way, all too often. i've lived by myself for an entire year, which has had its ups and downs, and contributed to the learning about myself. i've worked at church, with youth, for a year as well, and that's also taught me a lot about myself (i see a pattern developing). i've been in seminary a full year, AND completed 24 credit hours! i've met some incredible people, and developed some great friendships.
my ten year high school reunion was this year. i've read a number of incredible books, i preached my first sermon, helped a church plant in canada, played a lot of practical jokes, became even more ridiculously addicted to coffee, went to mardi gras parades for the first time in years, learned a little bit more about the value of having hard conversations, celebrated birthdays and holidays with my family for the first time in a while, remodeled and rerented my house, drove Mac Powell around lafayette in my friend's car, dreamed big, and saw somethings soar and others flop, wrote a cheesy rap for my friend's birthday, drank way too many soft drinks (after planning to give them up!), spent a week in new orleans seeing first hand the way people are still being affected by Katrina, got to hold my friends' baby girl just a few days after she was born, got to be a co leader for Disciple Now, went to universal studios in orlando, spent WAY too many hours in class in pineville, spent an entire year not in India, went on an amazing spiritual retreat out at lake fausse, saw power and joy of prayer more than ever before in my life, drove my mom's van into a ditch, went to catalyst in atlanta with my friend andrea and had an INCREDIBLE time, made a fool out of myself singing karaoke with teenagers (and loved it!), started running the cafe at church and learned how to make lattes in the coffee shop.
i could definitely go on, but i've got to get to a new year's party now. it really has been a good year--not all that expected, and yet, also more than i expected. i'm excited about 2009, and definitely have some goals that i'm thinking through, which i'll probably work on more on the spiritual retreat this weekend.
happy new years!
overall, i've had a lot of
2008 has been a pretty good year. i've learned a lot about myself, the hard way, all too often. i've lived by myself for an entire year, which has had its ups and downs, and contributed to the learning about myself. i've worked at church, with youth, for a year as well, and that's also taught me a lot about myself (i see a pattern developing). i've been in seminary a full year, AND completed 24 credit hours! i've met some incredible people, and developed some great friendships.
my ten year high school reunion was this year. i've read a number of incredible books, i preached my first sermon, helped a church plant in canada, played a lot of practical jokes, became even more ridiculously addicted to coffee, went to mardi gras parades for the first time in years, learned a little bit more about the value of having hard conversations, celebrated birthdays and holidays with my family for the first time in a while, remodeled and rerented my house, drove Mac Powell around lafayette in my friend's car, dreamed big, and saw somethings soar and others flop, wrote a cheesy rap for my friend's birthday, drank way too many soft drinks (after planning to give them up!), spent a week in new orleans seeing first hand the way people are still being affected by Katrina, got to hold my friends' baby girl just a few days after she was born, got to be a co leader for Disciple Now, went to universal studios in orlando, spent WAY too many hours in class in pineville, spent an entire year not in India, went on an amazing spiritual retreat out at lake fausse, saw power and joy of prayer more than ever before in my life, drove my mom's van into a ditch, went to catalyst in atlanta with my friend andrea and had an INCREDIBLE time, made a fool out of myself singing karaoke with teenagers (and loved it!), started running the cafe at church and learned how to make lattes in the coffee shop.
i could definitely go on, but i've got to get to a new year's party now. it really has been a good year--not all that expected, and yet, also more than i expected. i'm excited about 2009, and definitely have some goals that i'm thinking through, which i'll probably work on more on the spiritual retreat this weekend.
happy new years!
overall, i've had a lot of
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