blow your box

i said the above phrase earlier tonight while having coffee with two friends. they both laughed because they thought i was trying to say "blow your mind" but i really meant to say "blow your box."
let me explain.
we were talking about God and i don't remember exactly what i was saying, but it had something to do with God doing things that are way beyond and outside of what we expect--He basically blows open/apart the box that we try to put Him in. it's not always fun, but i would say generally it's pretty amazing and always good, in the long run, at least.
the funny thing about this random and unplanned statement is that it ties in to what i've been thinking about throughout the day today. this morning, i was doing good, other than being tired. then i started thinking about last night and family drama and i got mad again. i read a little in matthew 14 and 15, and thought specifically about the part where Jesus says that if we love Him, we'll obey Him and love others.
frustrating.
so i prayed that He'd help me to love Him more, because asking to love others more, or just be less hatefully angry, hadn't gotten me very far. and then i went to the gym. as i huffed it on the treadmill, i thought about the goodness and joy i'd felt last night before i went to bed and i wanted to feel that way again, but i still was pretty mad. somewhere in all this, i realized something: i may not be able to create or cultivate or force that joy, but i am able to make room for it. i may not be able to get rid of the angry, or to ignore it even, but i can push it to the side enough to let joy in.
or, better yet, i can let Him blow my box as He pushes the joy in. or something like that.
i think it's just this ever-deepening revelation that there's a lot more room to grow in my heart than i'd ever realized. yeah, i'd like to see the bad stuff go, but it might take longer than i'd like because it almost certainly has roots that go down much deeper than i realize, and that's ok.
the key is to make room. to prepare. to expect and await what He has in store, even (and especially) when i have no clue what it's going to be, or what it's going to do to me.

more on why

i think another reason i wanted to start this blog goes along with why i got my guitar out at midnight tonight in the first place.
i had frustrating night that turned into something awesome.
i was in a grouchy mood earlier. really grouchy, moving toward pretty much nasty. i was driving and talking to God and telling Him exactly how i felt about the whole situation (and not nicely) and how i didn't know what to do and i was angry, and not really ready to let that go.
where was i going? bible study. of course.
i wanted to go, because we hadn't met in about 2 weeks because of thanksgiving, but i also didn't want to deal with my nastiness, but i knew something had to be done so that i could actually participate in bible study. i didn't want to be fake and perfect, but i also didn't want to nasty towards my friends.
so i drove. and i arrived at my friends house, and everyone was already there. we talked, and laughed and ate awesome snacks. i played around on my friends guitar and got my tail kicked in Uno. and we talked about ephesians 5, the stuff we liked and didn't, and my friend's mom gave us some great insight. oh and another one of my friends showed us her dance to "sexy back." (she did it for her interpretive dance class, believe it or not).
it was about 5 hours of time with people that i'm still just getting to know and love, and i realized as i got in my car that God had used this time and these friends to fill up some of the big cracks that had been exposed earlier in my heart. i knew the anger wasn't all about tonight as i was driving over there, but i didn't have any better idea about what to do with it. so i just told God that, and, somehow, He did something, because there was joy seeping in and deep when i drove home tonight.
everything is not perfect or right or fixed.
i'm still struggling with anger, and i don't know what to do next.
but something good happened tonight.
hope bubbled up, surrounded by laughter and silliness and good pastries.
i think i want to write, to sing, to SHOUT because i am feeling a little bit of a happy buzz on the Spirit, and i'm ready to drink more deeply! (eph 5)
i don't have the answers, but i want to dig and search and process, and hopefully help others along the way.
so, stay tuned and we'll see what happens...

this is my most recent whole song, which is sad, because i wrote it over a year ago. but it's also one of my favorites. my friend shannon was leaving india and wrote a blog that inspired me, and so, this song.

Reflections on the Journey OR Joy in the Journey
(17 November 2006)

G Am* C G
It took more than just a step of faith
To follow You to such a strange place
But now the strange has become home

A home like none I have ever known
With friends who became my family
It turned out not so different from what I left behind

But now it’s time for me to carry on
A new chapter has begun
It’s time to say goodbye to this part of my journey

Em C G Em* (4x)
And I’m torn, because I long to see what You have in store
But this broken land my heart will not release
So I’ll step out in faith like I did when I followed You here
Because this strange place has made a home in me

C G Am* Em C G Em*
There is joy in the journey
Though it breaks our hearts to take some steps
In faith we find
You’ve been leading us all along

C G Am* Em C
There is joy in the journey
For when we follow You
We find out who
We really are…

I’ve learned it takes more than a step of faith
To follow You to each new strange place
But somehow You make the strange become home

So I’ll rejoice in what the daybreak brings
As You teach me new songs to sing
Of Your grace, through the joy and the pain

And through the sweetest of joys and the hardest of blows
My heart can rest where Your Spirit goes
Because I know You’ll always be walking with me

Em C G Em* (2x)
They say time heals all wounds
But I pray that it leaves
A broken piece in me
To remember each place,
And who I became
Every step of this journey…

C G Am* Em C G Em*
There is joy in the journey
Though it breaks our hearts to take some steps
In faith we find
You’ve been leading us all along

C G Am* Em C
There is joy in the journey
For when we follow You
We find out who
We really are
When we follow You
We find out who
We really are…

YOUR LOVE NEVER FAILS

Holy God, You are faithful
Oh my Father, You’re able
To love me right where I am
To hold me in spite of the weight of my sins

Your love never fails
But through faith You unveil
Mercy that’s deeper than the sea
And a grace that covers the worst of me

I’m so far from perfection
Just an empty reflection
Of a Savior who died for me
Who came to this earth just to set me free

Your love never fails
But through faith You unveil
Mercy that’s deeper than the sea
And a grace that covers the worst of me

When my friends have all hurt me
And my family deserts me
You’ll be right there by my side
You’ll love me and give me a safe place to hide

Your love never fails
But through faith You unveil
Mercy that’s deeper than the sea
And a grace that covers the worst of me

Mercy that’s deeper than the sea
And a grace that covers the worst of me

Cause your love never fails
Your love never fails

Why Can’t I Trust You?
(2/14/02 & 2/22/02)

Capo 1
Intro: E E* A2 E

Verse 1
E E* A2 E

When the rains came
And washed my house away
I was not afraid
I was not afraid

When the fire raged
And tried to burn my heart
My faith did not depart
My faith did not depart

And whether mountains high
Or valleys so low
You never let me go
You never let me go

Chorus 1
C#m B A2 C#m B A2

But then the sun set
And the shadows crept up
And took me by surprise
And as the darkness wrapped around me
I feared I’d never see the light again…

Chorus 2
E E* A2 E

So why can’t I trust you
To make the sun rise tomorrow
To give me joy for my sorrow
Like you promised you would

Why can’t I trust you?
Why do I run from the darkness
Instead of standing on the promise
That you’d carry me through

Verse 2

My heart and mind
Seem forever at war
And I’m not sure
Who to believe anymore

For though your promise never changed
From the valleys to the rain,
When the light began to fade,
My hope was swept away

And like the little foxes
That spoil the vine
It’s the smaller things
That destroy me over time

Chorus 1

Chorus 2 (2x)

Bridge

C#m B A2 C#m B A2
My faith is in my sight and I can’t see very far
My hope is in my might and I’m falling apart
E E* A2 E
So why can’t I trust you?

E E* A2 E

When I Close My Eyes

This world falls short of my smallest dreams,
And leaves no hope for bigger things
What I’ve seen so far has only deceived me

So it seems for lack of common sense,
I find I cling to worthlessness
Little shiny things take my eyes off pure gold

Though I know there’s more to life than what I see
Sometimes I just find it so hard to believe
Can I trust you when you say you won’t leave me?

Without you I have nothing
My life is not my own.
My hopes, my dreams, my plans, my schemes
Fade away in the light of your throne…

But when I close my eyes
And the world fades away
I realize You’re here,
By my side, always.

Then through the darkness you whisper my name
And use my fears to draw me to your side
You carry me gently like a sleeping child

Great desires in my heart you place,
Hope for more fills the depths of my soul
Passion calls me to follow where you lead me

But then I cry for help and you fail to shout back
I start to wonder if you’ve left me
Will you be no better than the other loves I’ve lost?

Without you I have nothing
My life is not my own.
My hopes, my dreams, my plans, my schemes
Fade away in the light of your throne…

But when I close my eyes
And the world fades away
I realize You’re here,
By my side, always.

You tear me down so you can build me up
And sometimes it makes me wanna scream
But it’s through this breaking that you’ll heal me

Your greatness moves in such beautiful ways
As I find redemption in an unlikely place
Along with a peace I can’t comprehend

And though this life has shown itself hard
Desire carries me on
And hopes of heaven feed my weary soul

Without you I have nothing
My life is not my own.
My hopes, my dreams, my plans, my schemes
Fade away in the light of your throne…

But when I close my eyes
And the world fades away
I realize You’re here,
By my side, always…

Things Seen and Unseen
(capo on 2nd)

Intro: G D C G

G D C
I lift my soul to the mountain
G D C
I let my eyes seek your face
G D Em C
My heart cries out in need of you
G D C
O Lord, touch me with your grace

G D C
I lift my voice to the heavens
G D C
I sing a song of faith
G D Em C
My flesh is weak, but you take my hand
G D C
O Lord, lead me by your grace


Chorus:

Em D F C
Through the things seen and unseen
G D C G
I will follow you, I will follow you
Em D F C
And I’ll trust you to lead me through
G D F C
The things seen and unseen


G D C
I lift my hands to your purpose
G D C
I want to walk in your ways
G D Em C
I’m scattered pieces but you make me whole
G D C
O Lord, bind me in your grace


Repeat Chorus