so the past two days, as i've walked to the gym, i've passed this dumpster that stinks pretty bad. actually, i pass this dumpster all the time, but only the past two days has it really smelled bad.
the funny thing is that this immediately brought about memories of india. and good ones at that.
almost every day when i lived in india, i'd walk past the nastiest dumpsters you can imagine. i mean, stinky, gross, with trash overflowing EVERYWHERE. and quite often, animals or people digging in them. so gross, but so normal.
we had to pretty much walk everywhere that we wanted to go. i was lazy and tried to take rickshaws as often as possible, but even then, we often had to walk to catch a rickshaw, and walking in india is not like walking in the US. really, i've noticed that hardly anybody walks here, but that's another story.
i live pretty close to the gym here, so i try to walk there, and it's really a nice walk. shady, beautiful neighborhood, little traffic, nice trees blooming, etc. nothing like walking to the gym (or anywhere else) in india. even just a five minute stroll down the street involved dodging cars, buses, bicycles, people, animals, animal droppings, trash, beggars, carts full of vegetables, and all sorts of other random things. not to mention being stared at and even whistled or yelled at most days.
but i got used to it. i won't say that i liked it, but eventually all that becomes pretty normal. and yet, in the past 9 months, normal has changed and i'd forgotten the adventure that walking/living in india is.
until i walked past that stinky dumpster.
the smell was a shock to the senses, and something i wanted to get away from as quickly as possible, but it was also a little wake up call to how nice it usually is to walk down the street here. to enjoy nice weather and shade and quietness and being able to walk casually without really having to worry about getting run over.
i thought to myself, at first, yeah, you really appreciate all this nice stuff once you've lived in a place that's nasty...or that you hate...
but really, neither of those is a fair way to describe india. i don't hate it. not all of it, for sure, though there are things that make my blood boil. but there are things like that in the US too. and it's not totally nasty--actually, some things are delicious and beautiful and down right amazing.
i think it's seeing the different things, both good and bad, that makes me really appreciate what i have in both places. nothing's perfect, but appreciating the little things, like dumpsters that don't usually stink, can sure make me a lot thankful for how good i really have it.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
to the brim
i love to drink stuff.
now, let me clarify that--what i mean is, i'm almost always thirsty and almost never without water or a coke or something. my 2 nalgene bottles are my constant companions. i literally drink around 4 liters of water a day on average, plus cokes and coffee and what not. and when i go out to eat, i pretty much cannot order something if it isn't going to have free refills--it's just not worth it because i'll drink it within 2 minutes and then be thirsty the rest of the meal. there's really only one person i know that drinks more than i do, and that's my friend jared, who has been known to carry around a 2 liter coke the same way most people carry around a 20 ounce.
anyway, when i pour myself something to drink, especially coffee, i ALWAYS fill the cup up as much as possible. most people would probably say it's too full actually, because i like to get the liquid right up to the brim. get every drop possible, i guess. actually, i never really thought it was weird until other people started pointing it out, usually when i'd serve them something and they'd be shocked by how full the glass was.
but i say all this because i think i'm learning that this is how i really love to live. get everything possible. down to the last drop. to the brim. i love moments that are full and alive and exciting--i think i could just live in those moments forever, and last night was a great example.
it's not that i did anything exciting yesterday. really, i don't know how to describe it, because i'm still processing it myself, but i'll try.
yesterday was a day of good conversations. i drove/rode in the car about 9 hours. first from dallas to west monroe, with friends, and then west monroe to lafayette by myself. i had some great conversations in the car, pretty much the whole way--both with my friends i was riding with, and then on the phone and with God later. good, meaningful, real conversations. answered prayers. realizations of deeper things--kind of like waking up spiritually.
then when i got back to lafayette, it was just about 7 pm, right after church and just in time for dinner at the college house. one house, full of all these people i love and am getting to know and so so SO many good conversations. my good friends from my small group. old friends. new people--even 2 girls from thailand. older adults who've cooked for us and have great stories to share and are so loving and gracious. funny stories. awkward moments. meeting new staff members and getting excited about the future, the potential, what the Lord is going to do.
it was so simple, and yet so amazing. that's the kind of stuff that i just want to fill life up to the brim with. i was talking to my friends after and trying to explain to them the joy i felt, but it was just about impossible to put to words. they could see it in my face, but how to describe that kind of joy...i don't know!
i mean, honestly, the past 9 months of my life have been probably the best so far. not the easiest, but the best, the fullest. God has taught me so much and grown me and is so amazingly working in and around me and sometimes all i can think is, are you kidding me? really? seriously?
He is good, folks. really. and my heart is just bursting these days with it all. joy beyond words, to be able to look at life, the good and the bad, the fun and the messy, and see the bigger picture. to choose to rejoice and love it. it's not just a moment or an experience, it's a totally freeing way of viewing life, and i'm loving it.
don't know how much sense that all makes, but i think that's about as good as i can get it into words. amazing.
now, let me clarify that--what i mean is, i'm almost always thirsty and almost never without water or a coke or something. my 2 nalgene bottles are my constant companions. i literally drink around 4 liters of water a day on average, plus cokes and coffee and what not. and when i go out to eat, i pretty much cannot order something if it isn't going to have free refills--it's just not worth it because i'll drink it within 2 minutes and then be thirsty the rest of the meal. there's really only one person i know that drinks more than i do, and that's my friend jared, who has been known to carry around a 2 liter coke the same way most people carry around a 20 ounce.
anyway, when i pour myself something to drink, especially coffee, i ALWAYS fill the cup up as much as possible. most people would probably say it's too full actually, because i like to get the liquid right up to the brim. get every drop possible, i guess. actually, i never really thought it was weird until other people started pointing it out, usually when i'd serve them something and they'd be shocked by how full the glass was.
but i say all this because i think i'm learning that this is how i really love to live. get everything possible. down to the last drop. to the brim. i love moments that are full and alive and exciting--i think i could just live in those moments forever, and last night was a great example.
it's not that i did anything exciting yesterday. really, i don't know how to describe it, because i'm still processing it myself, but i'll try.
yesterday was a day of good conversations. i drove/rode in the car about 9 hours. first from dallas to west monroe, with friends, and then west monroe to lafayette by myself. i had some great conversations in the car, pretty much the whole way--both with my friends i was riding with, and then on the phone and with God later. good, meaningful, real conversations. answered prayers. realizations of deeper things--kind of like waking up spiritually.
then when i got back to lafayette, it was just about 7 pm, right after church and just in time for dinner at the college house. one house, full of all these people i love and am getting to know and so so SO many good conversations. my good friends from my small group. old friends. new people--even 2 girls from thailand. older adults who've cooked for us and have great stories to share and are so loving and gracious. funny stories. awkward moments. meeting new staff members and getting excited about the future, the potential, what the Lord is going to do.
it was so simple, and yet so amazing. that's the kind of stuff that i just want to fill life up to the brim with. i was talking to my friends after and trying to explain to them the joy i felt, but it was just about impossible to put to words. they could see it in my face, but how to describe that kind of joy...i don't know!
i mean, honestly, the past 9 months of my life have been probably the best so far. not the easiest, but the best, the fullest. God has taught me so much and grown me and is so amazingly working in and around me and sometimes all i can think is, are you kidding me? really? seriously?
He is good, folks. really. and my heart is just bursting these days with it all. joy beyond words, to be able to look at life, the good and the bad, the fun and the messy, and see the bigger picture. to choose to rejoice and love it. it's not just a moment or an experience, it's a totally freeing way of viewing life, and i'm loving it.
don't know how much sense that all makes, but i think that's about as good as i can get it into words. amazing.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
hmm...
so i guess i haven't really done so well on my original plan to make this a year of writing. i'm online enough, just not blogging much anymore. ah, well, as they say in india, what to do?
write more, i guess.
and i have tons i could write about, if i could make myself sit still long enough and think things through in a logical way, but for now i'll just say this: i am thankful for family. not just blood relatives, but people that become family.
right now, i'm in arrlington (sp?) texas with people who have become my family. people i know and love from india, and who i'm connected to because of our love for God and His kingdom. and LOTS of shared experiences, both good and hard. so, while we're not technically related, we are family. really, i'm a lot closer to them than some of my real relatives, which i find rather bittersweet, but that's another topic.
basically, i am feeling thankful right now, enjoying this brief but sweet weekend with family/friends, and living out one of the sweetest, deepest seasons of my life thus far. more on that later, i hope :)
write more, i guess.
and i have tons i could write about, if i could make myself sit still long enough and think things through in a logical way, but for now i'll just say this: i am thankful for family. not just blood relatives, but people that become family.
right now, i'm in arrlington (sp?) texas with people who have become my family. people i know and love from india, and who i'm connected to because of our love for God and His kingdom. and LOTS of shared experiences, both good and hard. so, while we're not technically related, we are family. really, i'm a lot closer to them than some of my real relatives, which i find rather bittersweet, but that's another topic.
basically, i am feeling thankful right now, enjoying this brief but sweet weekend with family/friends, and living out one of the sweetest, deepest seasons of my life thus far. more on that later, i hope :)
Sunday, January 6, 2008
4?
i think this writing day 4 of 300...i've been working on some songs and just writing them in my journal, but here's a blog for fun.
i've been moving these past few days--well, moving, cleaning, etc. i have a new job and now a new apartment, and overall, i'd say things are looking pretty up for the start of 2008.
but moving...ah, so aggravating. i mean, there's a little bit of excitement in the idea of new place and all, but i hate moving. it just makes me realize once again just how much junk i have, and how junky most of it really is. i mean, a lot of it has meaning, or at least it did at sometime (pictures, letters, notes, awards, decorations, old school stuff, etc), but really, what do you do with all that? carry it around in boxes for the rest of my life? i don't know, because it's hard to throw away, but the more i move, the easier it gets to at least want to do something about it.
it also makes me think about all the other baggage i carry around--emotionally, spiritually, etc. it's not always as obvious as my boxes in the attic, and it's a lot more mobile, but the problem is it tends to bog me down the most when i least expect it, when it hits the hardest--bad days, stressful times, etc. and it doesn't really stay boxed up very well either--it just comes spilling out, making this huge mess and making whatever situation i'm in way worse.
ugh.
baggage. we all have it--some of just have prettier suitcases than others. i think mine are pretty much being held together by duct tape these days.
but the awesome thing is that it doesn't have to stay that way. in fact, jesus gives a pretty simple answer to our baggage issues: give it to Him. in matthew 11:28-30, He says that we can basically trade our baggage for His, and His is light. even easy.
knowing myself and all the other humans i do, that seems hard to imagine. i mean, i know Jesus was God, but He also lived in this crazy messed up baggage filled world for 30+ years, and yet, He traveled light. and for some reason, He offers to not only show us how to do the same, but to help us out by taking our baggage on Himself.
not just another formula to self help and a new cool life, but an offer of relationship, help, journey together, as He carries our load, and we take on His.
light. no U haul needed, spiritually or literally. amen!
i've been moving these past few days--well, moving, cleaning, etc. i have a new job and now a new apartment, and overall, i'd say things are looking pretty up for the start of 2008.
but moving...ah, so aggravating. i mean, there's a little bit of excitement in the idea of new place and all, but i hate moving. it just makes me realize once again just how much junk i have, and how junky most of it really is. i mean, a lot of it has meaning, or at least it did at sometime (pictures, letters, notes, awards, decorations, old school stuff, etc), but really, what do you do with all that? carry it around in boxes for the rest of my life? i don't know, because it's hard to throw away, but the more i move, the easier it gets to at least want to do something about it.
it also makes me think about all the other baggage i carry around--emotionally, spiritually, etc. it's not always as obvious as my boxes in the attic, and it's a lot more mobile, but the problem is it tends to bog me down the most when i least expect it, when it hits the hardest--bad days, stressful times, etc. and it doesn't really stay boxed up very well either--it just comes spilling out, making this huge mess and making whatever situation i'm in way worse.
ugh.
baggage. we all have it--some of just have prettier suitcases than others. i think mine are pretty much being held together by duct tape these days.
but the awesome thing is that it doesn't have to stay that way. in fact, jesus gives a pretty simple answer to our baggage issues: give it to Him. in matthew 11:28-30, He says that we can basically trade our baggage for His, and His is light. even easy.
knowing myself and all the other humans i do, that seems hard to imagine. i mean, i know Jesus was God, but He also lived in this crazy messed up baggage filled world for 30+ years, and yet, He traveled light. and for some reason, He offers to not only show us how to do the same, but to help us out by taking our baggage on Himself.
not just another formula to self help and a new cool life, but an offer of relationship, help, journey together, as He carries our load, and we take on His.
light. no U haul needed, spiritually or literally. amen!
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
(one)
so, i guess it's technically already jan 2nd, but since i'm still awake, this will count as day one of the at least 300 this year that i'm going to write, if that makes sense...
earlier today i was thinking about comparing people. i was thinking about someone i know, and i caught myself thinking, well, at least i don't do ________, like she does. it kind of caught me off guard, and i thought, who cares? why does that make me better and her worse? but i realized that this was the way i'd been looking at not just her, but pretty much everyone else in my life: better or worse than me--sometimes in a general way, and sometimes based on certain categories or criteria, but basically boiling down to being put somewhere on a scale of what i deem best, worst, and all in between.
for some reason, as i thought about writing about this, i decided to find a picture on google that might add to or help express this idea of comparing and how messed up i'm realizing it is. but when i googled "comparing people," i didn't really get a lot of great pictures, so i thought i'd try "judging people."
those are just a couple that came up, but overall they were the same: negative, uncomfortable, mean even.
judging, comparing--i think judging probably sounds worse, but really, they're pretty much the same thing, at least in our social interactions. in the dictionary, they don't really have that similar of definitions--comparing sounds more positive--so maybe it's really judging that i mean more when i think of this negative behavior.
i don't know, because what i see myself doing is looking at what i like and dislike about myself, and then trying to measure that up against other peoples' behaviors and choices and whatnot. i don't know. i haven't really processed it all, but when i thought about this earlier, i thought, this is probably one of the roots of all the mess of society and human nature. categorizing, judging, comparing--whatever you want to call it--this is where we draw lines and pick sides and hurt each other in incredibly stupid and yet deep ways.
i imagine i will have more to come on this as i continue to chew on it...
earlier today i was thinking about comparing people. i was thinking about someone i know, and i caught myself thinking, well, at least i don't do ________, like she does. it kind of caught me off guard, and i thought, who cares? why does that make me better and her worse? but i realized that this was the way i'd been looking at not just her, but pretty much everyone else in my life: better or worse than me--sometimes in a general way, and sometimes based on certain categories or criteria, but basically boiling down to being put somewhere on a scale of what i deem best, worst, and all in between.
for some reason, as i thought about writing about this, i decided to find a picture on google that might add to or help express this idea of comparing and how messed up i'm realizing it is. but when i googled "comparing people," i didn't really get a lot of great pictures, so i thought i'd try "judging people."
those are just a couple that came up, but overall they were the same: negative, uncomfortable, mean even.
judging, comparing--i think judging probably sounds worse, but really, they're pretty much the same thing, at least in our social interactions. in the dictionary, they don't really have that similar of definitions--comparing sounds more positive--so maybe it's really judging that i mean more when i think of this negative behavior.
i don't know, because what i see myself doing is looking at what i like and dislike about myself, and then trying to measure that up against other peoples' behaviors and choices and whatnot. i don't know. i haven't really processed it all, but when i thought about this earlier, i thought, this is probably one of the roots of all the mess of society and human nature. categorizing, judging, comparing--whatever you want to call it--this is where we draw lines and pick sides and hurt each other in incredibly stupid and yet deep ways.
i imagine i will have more to come on this as i continue to chew on it...
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
ramblings about coffee
can i just say that i love coffee? i really do, more than i should. sometimes i think about being married and pregnant someday and not being able to drink coffee so freely and i start to wonder what i'm going to do...and then i remember that i'm single and not pregnant and being a bit ridiculous, not that that's surprising...
anyway, coffee...ah...today i got 2 gift certificates to my favorite coffee shop in town, CCs, and i could not have been more happy. i think what makes it even better for me is that it's not even really just about the rich flavors and variety and what not of the actual drink, but the joy of sharing it with others. yes, i have done the drive thru at CCs and starbucks a time or two, but you just can't compare that to sitting down with friends over a wonderful iced caramel latte and laughing and telling stories and having deep and real conversations. i love that. i love having gift certificates for coffee now so i can have another excuse to go for coffee with others and even treat them if they'll let me. i really wish i could have a job where i take people for good coffee and heart to heart conversations. that would be seriously pretty much perfect.
i think i also love coffee because it's played such a random, yet significant, role in my personal history. my family tradtion has been that dad brings coffee milk to the kids when he wakes them up in the morning. i didn't always appreciate this as a kid, but i've always liked the idea of how it was a tradition, because my papa had done it for his kids as well. i'll do it for my kids too, i imagine, or get my husband to bring it to them and me :)
other than that, though, i didn't really start drinking coffee regularly until i lived with my grandma for 2 years. it was our morning routine to wake up and have breakfast and coffee. for a while, we also had a wednesday morning routine of cooking biscuits and sausage and eggs and having dad and my brother and whoever else was up over, but that faded as miles started a new school schedule and grandma's health declined. but the two of us still had coffee and at least cereal most every morning, and even if we didn't talk much, it was still a sweet part of the day.
india is where i think i truly became addicted to coffee, which seems kind of funny since it's really more known for chai/tea. but coffee shops are popping up everywhere there now, and it's so cheap that we could easily go out for coffee mulitple times a week, esp in the last few months i was there, when our friends opened a coffee shop down the street from our apartment. we could even have coffee and sweets delivered to our door! truly dangerous...
but india is where it became a community thing. our supervisors had lived in mexico, and they drank coffee ALL the time, all hours of the day. and when i got a big coffee pot for my birthday, my roommates went from occasionally drinking coffee to having it every morning with me, as well as many afternoons and evenings with sweets and friends.
i can't say that it's taken over my life (though i won't deny that i am seriously addicted to caffiene), but coffee has definitely become a significant part of my life, if that makes sense. i guess it's really not the coffee itself, but the way it seems to be such a perfect thing for community to develop around, and that is where my heart really is. and, hey, it doesn't hurt that it tastes good too.
i'm not going to read back over this to see if it really makes sense, so forgive me if it's extra rambly...i should be packing right now for my upcoming wedding trip to alabama and california, but, well, i am a procrastinator at heart. ah well.
anyway, coffee...ah...today i got 2 gift certificates to my favorite coffee shop in town, CCs, and i could not have been more happy. i think what makes it even better for me is that it's not even really just about the rich flavors and variety and what not of the actual drink, but the joy of sharing it with others. yes, i have done the drive thru at CCs and starbucks a time or two, but you just can't compare that to sitting down with friends over a wonderful iced caramel latte and laughing and telling stories and having deep and real conversations. i love that. i love having gift certificates for coffee now so i can have another excuse to go for coffee with others and even treat them if they'll let me. i really wish i could have a job where i take people for good coffee and heart to heart conversations. that would be seriously pretty much perfect.
i think i also love coffee because it's played such a random, yet significant, role in my personal history. my family tradtion has been that dad brings coffee milk to the kids when he wakes them up in the morning. i didn't always appreciate this as a kid, but i've always liked the idea of how it was a tradition, because my papa had done it for his kids as well. i'll do it for my kids too, i imagine, or get my husband to bring it to them and me :)
other than that, though, i didn't really start drinking coffee regularly until i lived with my grandma for 2 years. it was our morning routine to wake up and have breakfast and coffee. for a while, we also had a wednesday morning routine of cooking biscuits and sausage and eggs and having dad and my brother and whoever else was up over, but that faded as miles started a new school schedule and grandma's health declined. but the two of us still had coffee and at least cereal most every morning, and even if we didn't talk much, it was still a sweet part of the day.
india is where i think i truly became addicted to coffee, which seems kind of funny since it's really more known for chai/tea. but coffee shops are popping up everywhere there now, and it's so cheap that we could easily go out for coffee mulitple times a week, esp in the last few months i was there, when our friends opened a coffee shop down the street from our apartment. we could even have coffee and sweets delivered to our door! truly dangerous...
but india is where it became a community thing. our supervisors had lived in mexico, and they drank coffee ALL the time, all hours of the day. and when i got a big coffee pot for my birthday, my roommates went from occasionally drinking coffee to having it every morning with me, as well as many afternoons and evenings with sweets and friends.
i can't say that it's taken over my life (though i won't deny that i am seriously addicted to caffiene), but coffee has definitely become a significant part of my life, if that makes sense. i guess it's really not the coffee itself, but the way it seems to be such a perfect thing for community to develop around, and that is where my heart really is. and, hey, it doesn't hurt that it tastes good too.
i'm not going to read back over this to see if it really makes sense, so forgive me if it's extra rambly...i should be packing right now for my upcoming wedding trip to alabama and california, but, well, i am a procrastinator at heart. ah well.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
hope bubbles
when i was in the check out line at walmart earlier, i had something to blog about, but i seem to have lost it. it was something, because i was feeling pretty overwhelmed this evening--i almost cried right there in the line with the 15 other people waiting to check out (and it wasn't just because it was so ridiculous in there!).
i don't know. today hasn't been a bad day. i've actually had fun, hanging out with friends, eating good food, watching football, helping out a friend's family, not being stuck at home. all good stuff. and yet i still feel so sad. so lost and confused and just plain mad about it all. i want SO much to know what the heck i'm supposed to do next with my life, and yet, every time i turn around i feel still so unsure, so confused and so frustrated and lonely.
i'm 27. i don't have a job. i'm not seeing anyone. i live with my parents. i have no real direction about what i want to do with my life. (insert expletive)
i had a little flash back moment earlier to a time when stuff like this would just totally overwhelm me to the point of just wanting to give up on it all. i thought about that for a moment and then i thought about how that hope is still bubbling up in my heart. painfully. but none the less, still there. i hate some days, some moments and decisions, but i don't hate life like i used to, and i think that's something to feel good about. there is Someone who will never let me go, and has and will NOT fail or forget or leave me, and when i let that sink in, hope bubbles a little more.
thank You.
i also heard once that when you have a bad day, sometimes the best thing you can do is just to go to sleep and hope that tomorrow is better, which sounds really good right about now.
i don't know. today hasn't been a bad day. i've actually had fun, hanging out with friends, eating good food, watching football, helping out a friend's family, not being stuck at home. all good stuff. and yet i still feel so sad. so lost and confused and just plain mad about it all. i want SO much to know what the heck i'm supposed to do next with my life, and yet, every time i turn around i feel still so unsure, so confused and so frustrated and lonely.
i'm 27. i don't have a job. i'm not seeing anyone. i live with my parents. i have no real direction about what i want to do with my life. (insert expletive)
i had a little flash back moment earlier to a time when stuff like this would just totally overwhelm me to the point of just wanting to give up on it all. i thought about that for a moment and then i thought about how that hope is still bubbling up in my heart. painfully. but none the less, still there. i hate some days, some moments and decisions, but i don't hate life like i used to, and i think that's something to feel good about. there is Someone who will never let me go, and has and will NOT fail or forget or leave me, and when i let that sink in, hope bubbles a little more.
thank You.
i also heard once that when you have a bad day, sometimes the best thing you can do is just to go to sleep and hope that tomorrow is better, which sounds really good right about now.
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