balance: crazy and growing up

argh...

i know i complain about school a lot, but i'm drowning right now...(as you can see in the picture above!).

i don't know why exactly, but today i've just felt crazy. too much to do, too little time, too many choices to make, too much pulling me in good and bad directions. running here and there and making out my psycho to-do lists and checking things off just to keep sane...

i really wanted to do something crazy this afternoon. just run. just disappear. just escape it all. just break something. just scream. just stop.

but welcome to the real world, right?

those hard things that make you strong, those tough choices and no easy way out. ugh.

i was talking to a friend a little while ago, taking a break and hearing about her night, and telling her how crazy i felt, and that i just wanted to do something crazy.

and she was like, ok, so let's do something crazy!

but neither of us could really think of anything.

i think i'm becoming too much of a grown up, and maybe that's not all bad. part of me wants to jump in the car and drive to new orleans and eat beignets at cafe dumonde, but then i think about all the stuff i have to do tomorrow--the commitments i've made this weekend, the papers, packing to go out of town...

the cost is too big. or not worth it, at least.

but it wouldn't have been a few years ago. i was pretty much always game for doing just about anything, and i never imagined i'd grow out of that. not really.

but is it all bad?

i told my friend, after we both realized how much we have to do tomorrow, that maybe we need to take a raincheck on crazy. i don't like that necessarily, but i also don't want to be miserable tomorrow or back out on things i need to do.

a raincheck on crazy...

i'm not sure how that works, if it can work. i love being spontaneous, and yet i also find that i quickly revert to being a psyscho planner, to the point of being manipulative.

ugh.

i'm feeling a lot of 'what if's lately, and yet also a lot of 'oh well's. i'm not really sure how to balance it out. how to be fun and love life and also not be stupid.

so for now, i'm taking a raincheck on crazy. we'll see what happens...

love and sin

I just read a great article on boundless. Here are a couple excerpts from it:

“The bottom line is a difficult truth for every Christian: The Bible says many hard things, but where the Word and I disagree, it's me that has to change. And there's grace for the process.”

Wow…this article is specifically about homosexuality, but the author (Mike Ensley) makes a strong point throughout the article that the reality is, sin is sin. We have to face it from God’s perspective and not get sucked in to justifying whatever it is we’re struggling with. He continues:

“This isn't a gay thing; we've all done it. I'm sure you could remember a season of rebellion in your life, and how during that time something (Somebody) inside was not letting you live with it quite the way you wanted to.

How did you feel about "good" Christians then? What did you think of people who, while probably not voicing disapproval openly, by their very virtue reminded you of the persistent warnings inside?

I bet nobody ever said anything that got you to "come around." I doubt you repented because you lost an argument. A heart-change is a more gradual process, and the people most influential in that process are the ones who keep pursuing your heart, keep lavishing that infuriating yet irresistible kindness on you — despite not playing along with your rebellion.

It's so easy to get sidetracked arguing over theological, social and political aspects of the homosexual issue. I know because I've been down that road a few too many times. I'm not saying these things are not important or should never be discussed; they simply must not become a distraction from loving.

Even if you knew every relevant Scripture backwards and forwards, had a response to every challenge, never had a doubt or lost your cool; even if you could argue a wayward friend's mind into a corner, that doesn't mean their heart will follow. I can pretty much guarantee that it won't.”

Sometimes I find it very tempting to give up hope when it comes to struggling with sin—my own sin, and the sin I see others caught in. It seems easier to ignore it or argue about it or do just about anything other than to trust God and love others. But that’s the core of our walk with Him. Love Him—let that change and redefine all that we are—and through that, love others.

Easy enough to understand, and difficult to live out…

For the full article, click here.

If At First You Don’t Succeed…

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” Hebrews 12:1-3

I recently joined a group that’s training for a mini triathlon. We started with swimming, which seemed simple enough. After all, Michael Phelps made it look easy winning all those medals in Beijing. My first day in the pool went pretty well, and though I was exhausted, I felt pretty confident at the end of the workout.

The next day, though, I woke up very sore, and when I went to swim again, I wasn’t sure I was going to make it! I couldn’t get the breathing right, and I was swallowing water and struggling to keep up. Suddenly swimming didn’t seem so easy, and I began to wonder if I would ever get any better.

Like my swimming experience, walking with God can seem so easy, when we’re watching someone else do it. But when we actually start trying to discipline ourselves and follow Him, we begin to realize just how challenging it can be, and giving up can become very tempting. The great thing is that, unlike athletic training, we’re not on our own—we have not only the perfect example of Christ’s life, but also the power of His Spirit at work within us to give us the strength to carry on when things get tough.

The choice is ours—will we “fix our eyes on Jesus” and keep going, or get distracted and give up? It’s a decision I have to make every day, but I’m learning that there are great rewards for perseverance, in my walk with Christ, and my triathlon training!

weakness

I have SUCH a love/hate relationship with school.

I LOVE learning. I love seeing things fit together and experiencing the "aha," light bulb, click moments where everything suddenly makes sense.

But I hate all the work involved in it!

I guess, really, that kind of sums up my approach to life all too often: laziness.

I just want things to come easily. I've come to expect that, because I can rely on my intelligence and luck and skills and big mouth, and can get away with a lot because of it. I'm not trying to brag, just realizing that I get by without working hard, and that's become the norm for me.

There's a line from a Jill Philips song that's haunted me ever since I heard it in January. The song is called "Small Window of Time," and from what I can tell, it's about someone who basically has it all and always gets their way, etc, and how, eventually, that will come to an end. What gets me is this line:

"Nothing’s ever been hard enough to make you strong"

That totally freaks me out, because I fear it really describes me. Yes, I have been through some challenging moments, but overall, I find that I avoid hard things because I don't want to fail, to look foolish, to feel/be not good enough.

And so, I think I've become very skilled in avoiding, getting out of trouble, etc, and very weak in a lot of the things that will really matter.

In essence, I'm a quitter. I don't like to admit that, and I definitely don't want to deal with it, but there it is.

Hmm...

knockknockknock

There are so many things I could have used for a title for the this post, but I'll go with this "knockknockknock" because it reminds me of a different knocking story than the one I'm actually going to tell. In college, my best friend and I had an inside joke/thing where we'd sign our emails "knockknockknock." It came from being dorm neighbors my senior year/her junior year—we shared a wall, and the heads of our beds were on either side of it, so sometimes at night, before we went to sleep we'd knock on the wall as a way of saying goodnight. Random, but a fun little thing to share between close friends.

That, however, is not the knock, knock that this post is about. I just remembered it as I started typing what is actually quite a different knocking experience. I love a good laugh, and I love a good story even more, and this is definitely a keeper:

It all started the other day at a funeral. I know, leave it to me to have some ridiculous story coming from such a somber occasion. It helps that I was with my friend Andrea, because we seem to often get into some sort of interesting situation together.

So, we go to lunch and then head to the funeral home, and when we arrive, both of us desperately need to head to the little girls' room before the service begins. When we walk in, we see that there are 3 stalls/rooms—each has a full door on it, not just your basic stall door. Two are definitely occupied, but we're not so sure about the middle one.

I walk up to the door, and gently reach for the handle. Now, I'm not much for knocking, because something about it just seems rude, so typically, my first move is to LIGHTLY test the door knob, and then gently knock. I hate loud knockers and knob gigglers…

So, I gently (and, really, I mean, gently) touch the knob and as soon as I do, I hear,

"UH UNH!" (I'm not sure if that adequately spells it, but it's that "oh no you didn't!" grunty sound).

Very loud.

Very not happy.

I scoot quickly away from the door and look at Andrea and we both die laughing. Except, this is a funeral home, so we can't really laugh, so we're choking in laughter and tears are streaming down my face. I grab some tissue and secretly hope that anyone who sees me will think I'm crying because of the funeral and not because I'm about to die laughing.

As we continue to laugh, we realize that the mystery person in the middle stall is almost done, so we both start looking around, trying to act all nonchalant, all the while still trying to not laugh.

Of course, someone we both know walks out.

She doesn't pay too much attention to us, but when I finally head into the bathroom and close the door, I totally lost it and was just about to the point of snorting I was laughing so hard.

I was a little worried that I wouldn't be able to keep a straight face during the actual funeral, but we'd both calmed down by then, and everything went pretty smoothly. On the way home, Andrea asked me why on earth I didn't knock, and I really had no good answer, but we both agreed that we'd been firmly converted to knocking from now on…

transformed

even though i've seen this several times, it still blows me away. the song, the video, the message...definitely something i need to be reminded of.

cardboard testimonies

for some more amazing videos, check out this site as well: live to tell

sovereign

what an odd morning (and still so early...)

i felt very compelled to pray this morning for 2 things: first, selfishness. i've been wrestling and wrestling with sin and junk in one big area, and not feeling like i'm getting anywhere at all for quite a while, and as i started praying this morning, God hit me with the reality that i very much needed to deal with my self-centeredness in order to begin to deal with other sin. just last week, when i was discussing this with Him, He seemed to say, start with Me. at least, i thought it was start with Me, as in Him.

but this morning, as i was journaling and thinking about me, me, me, it hit me--start with me, as in mandi. as in selfishness and how it eats me alive on a daily basis.

so, start with me and Me.

i realized right away that a good first step in this would be to use my pray time to actually pray for other people instead of only whining and moaning about my struggles, so i started praying for several people who i know have lost loved ones. one is a friend who's mother's funeral is today. the others are people i don't know, but the families of several men who died off shore this week. i wanted to not just pray the basic old, God bless so and so, so i read in revelation, 2 corinthians, and nahum about God as our strength, our comfort, our God. very powerful stuff. He is the source of all comfort, and through His comforting us, enables us to comfort others--hello!

it was a very good prayer time, the best i've had in a while.

then the funny thing is, i come over to start laundry and check email and i get two very interesting emails, both pointing back to exactly where God led me this morning.

first, my cousin is having a c-section this morning, right now in fact. she's not due for over 2 months, and i don't really know any more details than that. she and her husband have been trying to have a baby for a while, and she finally got pregnant last year. so, i don't know what's going on, and i feel scared for them.

but i have so much of a better idea about what to pray. for His comfort. to remember that He is our God, He is ever present, He is good.

and then, a few minutes later, this eTHOUGHTS devotional pops up in my inbox:

SELF-LESS OR SELF-ISH

In 1 Corinthians 13, I find my favorite definition of "love." Yet, our society seems to confuse the words, love and lust; though, a key distinction exists between the two. Love is directed toward others; it is self-less. Whereas, lust is directed inwardly toward self; it is self-ish.

The exercise and exhibition of real love is not in our DNA. We are more inclined to:
-gather than to give,
- keep than to release, and
- store than to share.

If you have any doubts concerning my last statement, just check your closets, storage sheds, and attics. Most of us could start several landfill sites with the things we have, but do not use.

A friend whose brother recently moved during his retirement years quoted his brother as saying, "If you have things stored you have not used in the last two years, throw them away." When sin entered the lives of Adam and Eve, humankind became selfish creatures. Let us not confuse or substitute lust for love.

Paul said, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails . . ..." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV®)

The scripture tells us God is love, and HE loves us. HE demonstrated HIS love for us by sending Jesus to die on the Cross. God loves us because He has chosen to do so. I hope you have experienced that love in your life by receiving Jesus as your Savior. After experiencing HIS love, pass it on to others by telling and demonstrating how much you love them.


hello...thank You Father for being sovereign. for knowing long before my alarm went off this morning what was in store for me. thank You for being my God. i love You, and more today.