cursing my way through seminary…

The end of the semester is quickly approaching, and the other day, I had to take an online test. I love and hate online tests. I love them because I can take them whenever I feel ready (like 1 am), so there's at least a little less pressure. But, there's always the fear of the computer doing something crazy while I'm taking the test and messing things up. And, the fact that I don't have internet at my house so I'm forced to find an alternate location for my test taking (typically my office).

Anyway, this was the second test I'd taken for this class, so I had somewhat of an idea about what to expect, and I had a study guide to follow. Even with all this, however, when I opened that test up on Blackboard just after 1 am on Friday, I quickly found myself cursing at the computer.

Not just grumbling. All out cursing. I'm definitely glad no one else was around, and feeling a little embarrassed as I write this. Probably not as embarrassed as I should be though. I have a seriously foul mouth, and it's not a good thing. Just not something I've seriously tried to deal with.

Anyway, I was mad because I'd studied all day, reading through tons of pages of my books, over 10 New Testament books, a nearly inch thick stack of class notes, and an audio lecture, and yet, when I opened the test, I still felt totally thrown off and unprepared. All I could think was, seriously? I studied for hours and hours and I still don't know all the stuff that's on this *#$% *@%^# test???

Not good, I know. And the crazy thing was, I just saw my grade and I did fine. I just lost it in that moment of taking the test.

But why?

What sense does it make to be in seminary, learning about God and how to minister to others, when my heart is so messed up?

What does it matter how much I know about God, if I totally miss out on knowing Him and letting Him change the way I live my life?

Anybody can cuss their way through a crummy test, or a bad day, or crazy traffic, or whatever. But shouldn't I be different?

Not perfect. That's a whole other topic. But different. Letting Him get a deeper grip on my mind and heart, so He can uproot the junk that's so deeply settled in there.

I'm starting to see the reality of this problem more and more—in my life and others as well, unfortunately. I say unfortunately because the temptation is to judge and judge big when I see this kind of ridiculousness in others. In others, but not me.

I just sweep it under the rug.

Cursing's not so bad, right? I don't curse in front of others. Just at computer screens and what not. Just in secret, when I'm really mad.

Didn't Jesus say something about the stuff that's in our hearts being just like the stuff we actually do in front of everybody?

Ugh.

I don't really have good answers right now. I feel convicted, but still very reluctant to deal with my heart junk. But I know I don't want things to stay the same.

Even if it's hard, I don't want to be two sided.

"FREE AT LAST"

I have about a million things I need to say in catching up on blogging, but I think I can sum most of them up in two words: work and school.

Ugh.

Though today is still very much a school work day, I've also been able to reflect on Good Friday as I've gone about my day. After I finished listening to "A Serious Call to a Devout and Holy Life" this morning, I made an Easterish play list on my ipod, and I've been surprised by how much having that playing in the background while washing dishes, reading philosophy, and running downtown has made an impact on my thoughts today.

How marvelous is my Savior's love for me!

How WORTHY is He of all my worship, all my thoughts, all my time, all of me...



In my running (er, walking, running, etc) this afternoon, I took a detour through St. John's cemetery, something I hadn't done in years. I always see it and the Jewish cemetery near my house and want to walk through, but never take the time. Today, it just seemed to fit. As I was going by the church, I saw people heading in for mass (it was around 3 pm, so that seemed to fit, since that it is when scripture tells us Jesus died).

I kept looking at the church as I walked around it--it's hard not too, honestly, because it's huge, and so is the cemetery. So when I found an open gate, I walked in and just wandered around for a bit, still listening to my Easter mix and thinking about the power death still seems to have over us.

People of every age and status were buried there. Babies, children, whole families, people all by themselves. Rich people with elaborate and large tombs, average people, people who's graves were worn and crumbling.

Everyone dies.

And everyone has the opportunity to live again in Christ.

I found it hard not to wonder about some of the more elaborate graves. Some literally had small courtyards and fences and benches, all seeming to be made from marble. It blew my mind to think about how much that much cost, and yet, how little it mattered now, really to the dead or the living.

But that's not the point.

The real question is, whether your grave is huge and beautiful or a hole in the mud, unknown to anyone...the real question is, did you know Him? Did you know the One who conquered the grave, overcame death, once and for all?

Yes, we still die physically, but we no longer have to fear death. We have hope. We have life.

As one grave I saw said, we are...

"FREE AT LAST"

So I guess my real question today, for myself and you, is, are you free? Free from fear of death or life or anything at all? Free to live in confidence and joy IN HIM?

It's a once and for all kind of question, and yet also an everyday, every moment kind of question.

Am I free from condemnation, sure of the hope of heaven with Him, and abundant life here on earth?

Yes. That happened 14 years ago this month when I chose to follow Him.

But am I free today? Free of distraction/obsession with earthly things? Free of worry? Free of lies and deceit? Free of the junk that I let hold me down? Free to know that His JOY is my STRENGTH? To really KNOW it?

Those are questions I have to wrestle with everyday...

more boundless

a few excerpts from another great boundless article.

"I'm finally beginning to realize that I cannot show others the truth about God until I tell myself the truth about His unconditional love."

"I can glorify God by continuing to hang onto hope. Either He is the God of the too-good-to-be-true, or He isn't. If I believe that He is, and is the Rewarder of those who seek Him, then I have hope. But hope is not synonymous with demanding my own way. When "I am no longer comforted by God's desire for me," when "I am threatened by it because God's will potentially stands in the way of my demand," that is a danger signal."

very good stuff.

balance: crazy and growing up

argh...

i know i complain about school a lot, but i'm drowning right now...(as you can see in the picture above!).

i don't know why exactly, but today i've just felt crazy. too much to do, too little time, too many choices to make, too much pulling me in good and bad directions. running here and there and making out my psycho to-do lists and checking things off just to keep sane...

i really wanted to do something crazy this afternoon. just run. just disappear. just escape it all. just break something. just scream. just stop.

but welcome to the real world, right?

those hard things that make you strong, those tough choices and no easy way out. ugh.

i was talking to a friend a little while ago, taking a break and hearing about her night, and telling her how crazy i felt, and that i just wanted to do something crazy.

and she was like, ok, so let's do something crazy!

but neither of us could really think of anything.

i think i'm becoming too much of a grown up, and maybe that's not all bad. part of me wants to jump in the car and drive to new orleans and eat beignets at cafe dumonde, but then i think about all the stuff i have to do tomorrow--the commitments i've made this weekend, the papers, packing to go out of town...

the cost is too big. or not worth it, at least.

but it wouldn't have been a few years ago. i was pretty much always game for doing just about anything, and i never imagined i'd grow out of that. not really.

but is it all bad?

i told my friend, after we both realized how much we have to do tomorrow, that maybe we need to take a raincheck on crazy. i don't like that necessarily, but i also don't want to be miserable tomorrow or back out on things i need to do.

a raincheck on crazy...

i'm not sure how that works, if it can work. i love being spontaneous, and yet i also find that i quickly revert to being a psyscho planner, to the point of being manipulative.

ugh.

i'm feeling a lot of 'what if's lately, and yet also a lot of 'oh well's. i'm not really sure how to balance it out. how to be fun and love life and also not be stupid.

so for now, i'm taking a raincheck on crazy. we'll see what happens...

love and sin

I just read a great article on boundless. Here are a couple excerpts from it:

“The bottom line is a difficult truth for every Christian: The Bible says many hard things, but where the Word and I disagree, it's me that has to change. And there's grace for the process.”

Wow…this article is specifically about homosexuality, but the author (Mike Ensley) makes a strong point throughout the article that the reality is, sin is sin. We have to face it from God’s perspective and not get sucked in to justifying whatever it is we’re struggling with. He continues:

“This isn't a gay thing; we've all done it. I'm sure you could remember a season of rebellion in your life, and how during that time something (Somebody) inside was not letting you live with it quite the way you wanted to.

How did you feel about "good" Christians then? What did you think of people who, while probably not voicing disapproval openly, by their very virtue reminded you of the persistent warnings inside?

I bet nobody ever said anything that got you to "come around." I doubt you repented because you lost an argument. A heart-change is a more gradual process, and the people most influential in that process are the ones who keep pursuing your heart, keep lavishing that infuriating yet irresistible kindness on you — despite not playing along with your rebellion.

It's so easy to get sidetracked arguing over theological, social and political aspects of the homosexual issue. I know because I've been down that road a few too many times. I'm not saying these things are not important or should never be discussed; they simply must not become a distraction from loving.

Even if you knew every relevant Scripture backwards and forwards, had a response to every challenge, never had a doubt or lost your cool; even if you could argue a wayward friend's mind into a corner, that doesn't mean their heart will follow. I can pretty much guarantee that it won't.”

Sometimes I find it very tempting to give up hope when it comes to struggling with sin—my own sin, and the sin I see others caught in. It seems easier to ignore it or argue about it or do just about anything other than to trust God and love others. But that’s the core of our walk with Him. Love Him—let that change and redefine all that we are—and through that, love others.

Easy enough to understand, and difficult to live out…

For the full article, click here.

If At First You Don’t Succeed…

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” Hebrews 12:1-3

I recently joined a group that’s training for a mini triathlon. We started with swimming, which seemed simple enough. After all, Michael Phelps made it look easy winning all those medals in Beijing. My first day in the pool went pretty well, and though I was exhausted, I felt pretty confident at the end of the workout.

The next day, though, I woke up very sore, and when I went to swim again, I wasn’t sure I was going to make it! I couldn’t get the breathing right, and I was swallowing water and struggling to keep up. Suddenly swimming didn’t seem so easy, and I began to wonder if I would ever get any better.

Like my swimming experience, walking with God can seem so easy, when we’re watching someone else do it. But when we actually start trying to discipline ourselves and follow Him, we begin to realize just how challenging it can be, and giving up can become very tempting. The great thing is that, unlike athletic training, we’re not on our own—we have not only the perfect example of Christ’s life, but also the power of His Spirit at work within us to give us the strength to carry on when things get tough.

The choice is ours—will we “fix our eyes on Jesus” and keep going, or get distracted and give up? It’s a decision I have to make every day, but I’m learning that there are great rewards for perseverance, in my walk with Christ, and my triathlon training!

weakness

I have SUCH a love/hate relationship with school.

I LOVE learning. I love seeing things fit together and experiencing the "aha," light bulb, click moments where everything suddenly makes sense.

But I hate all the work involved in it!

I guess, really, that kind of sums up my approach to life all too often: laziness.

I just want things to come easily. I've come to expect that, because I can rely on my intelligence and luck and skills and big mouth, and can get away with a lot because of it. I'm not trying to brag, just realizing that I get by without working hard, and that's become the norm for me.

There's a line from a Jill Philips song that's haunted me ever since I heard it in January. The song is called "Small Window of Time," and from what I can tell, it's about someone who basically has it all and always gets their way, etc, and how, eventually, that will come to an end. What gets me is this line:

"Nothing’s ever been hard enough to make you strong"

That totally freaks me out, because I fear it really describes me. Yes, I have been through some challenging moments, but overall, I find that I avoid hard things because I don't want to fail, to look foolish, to feel/be not good enough.

And so, I think I've become very skilled in avoiding, getting out of trouble, etc, and very weak in a lot of the things that will really matter.

In essence, I'm a quitter. I don't like to admit that, and I definitely don't want to deal with it, but there it is.

Hmm...