Just got back from Paris tonight. Texas, that is. While it's probably nothing like Paris, France, it does have an Eiffel tower (with a red cowboy hat on top!), and I have to imagine is at least more exciting than Paris, KY. But maybe that's just me…

It was a good trip overall. Good times with good friends, all that jazz.

So I don't know exactly why I feel so blah right now…the loneliness of having nothing to come home to? The fact that I haven't yet adjusted to having not so much that I HAVE TO do because school is out for now…I should enjoy that, but I have a really hard time with it. Maybe it's more having a lot to say, and no idea how to say it…

I hate that. I hate not being able to feel like I can be more honest in conversations, say what I really mean and feel and not cause drama and what not. Even now, here, on my blog that no one reads, I think, should I even say this? Shouldn't I be worried about how people will take it?

Once again, how do I SPEAK the TRUTH in LOVE?

Not angry, hurt attacking words.

Not sugar coated lies or excuses or downplays of things.

Not bitter or sad silence.

The truth…

Spoken…

In love…

Ugh…

hide and seek

So, I'm at the college house all alone right now, and it's rather late, and this is a big creepy house...so, needless to say, this won't be a long post.

But I've had something on my mind for quite a while now and I keep meaning to blog about it:

How much do other people see me? I mean, how clear to them is all the stuff that I'm so oblivious to?

I look at others, my friends, family, people I know well or hardly know at all, people I love and people I try to avoid, and their "junk" just seems so painfully obvious. Of course, no one (myself especially included) ever does or says anything about it, not to them at least.

But it's so obvious.

My friends who are too dramatic, too focused on certain things, too gossipy, cuss too much, overly sensitive or totally insensitive...all of it just seems so out there, so clear. I don't know why they don't see it, honestly....

And then I have to think, what about my junk? What about all the things I either have no clue about or think no one else can see? Is that too not painfully obvious to everyone else?

Why do we not say something? Why do we hold back when we could help each other? Yes, messy and painful, but how did our society/culture/whatever get built around this ugly, painful silence?

How how how how HOW do I learn to speak (and take) the truth in love?

procrastination and Sabbaths…

I've been thinking about blogging for quite a while now. thinking and not doing, of course.

But school is out, and I don't really have any excuses any more. And really, I want to do it…it's just a matter of sitting down and making myself stop long enough to write.

Making myself stop long enough to do anything, really.

Now that school's over, I'm not exactly sure what it is that I'm so busy doing. There's a lot I NEED to do (finish cleaning apartment), and a lot of little things I have finished doing (running errands), but I guess I'm still trying to find the balance between being non stop with school, and now redirecting myself to be purposeful with work and the rest of life.

I think I have a need to always be doing something. I hate it when I'm stuck in the middle of it, whatever it is (school, etc), but then I can't seem to get much done without that pressure. I wait until the 11^th hour, I procrastinate, and then, voila, I am inspired.

But I hate it. I hate pulling all nighters like I did last week with my New Testament class. I hate that I can't seem to discipline myself, that I pretty much have to be forced or coerced or outwardly motivated to get anything done.

I'm days away from 29 and still such a lazy, slacker kid…

I'm so good at talking myself out of things, especially if they are related to me doing something I need to do, and even want to do, but maybe don't think is a priority…yet. Like going to the dentist, taking a spiritual retreat, going to the grocery store, etc. I NEED to do all these things, for a variety of reasons, but I'm terrifically good at putting them off, because I'm not yet in a position where I HAVE TO do them. My teeth aren't hurting or falling out yet, there's still cereal in my house, I finally took a spiritual retreat, but it was such a challenge to make it happen. And the only real challenge was me…

This book that I'm reading now, Eat, Pray, Love, by Elisabeth Gilbert, is very interesting, and I think has something to say on this topic. I got this book over a year ago, and wasn't really drawn to it at first because I knew it was going to be very spiritual, new-agey, etc, but the funny thing is that I really felt drawn to it on my day of spiritual retreat last week. Go figure. But it's turned out to be a pretty good book, for a lot of reasons, and I definitely think I can learn something from it.

The first section, which I just finished today, is about the first leg of Gilbert's year of travel, where she spent 4 months in Italy, seeking pleasure. It seems such a strange and even wrong thing to say, seeking pleasure—it usually has a negative or selfish connotation. But as I read this section, I couldn't help but think about the very Christian/Jewish idea of a Sabbath. Gilbert, who's just been through a nasty divorce, etc, finds rest and healing in the simple pleasures of Italy. She is free and able to rest and enjoy life.

I think about my life, and how I'm always trying to cram more in, to get to do everything and how frustrated I am when it doesn't all work out the way I'd like for it to. I think about what a control freak I am and how much I just want things to happen my way, when I want, how I want—how much I want time and events and people to work that way, and how mad/sad/etc I get when it doesn't.

And I have to wonder, do I really enjoy life?

I mean, I enjoy moments. I have really fun days and memories, but do I, overall, look at life with the perspective of enjoying it? enjoying others? Not in a selfish way, but in free way, really free to love others and enjoy life, come what may, without trying to control things?

I think, unfortunately, I am too caught up in having things go my way to really even enjoy them when they do.

I'm always thinking about what's coming next—worrying and planning and what not. And definitely never resting and enjoying.

That's a big issue for Americans, especially American Christians. We think of Sunday as a day of rest, and generally don't like to "work" on Sundays (though that's becoming less and less an issue), but really, we do anything BUT rest. Sunday is the busiest day of the week for me, and for many other church employees, and members. It's not rest. It's not really enjoyable, not like I think it should be. It's definitely not Sabbath.

So, what's the point?

I admit, I haven't done enough research to really have a firm grasp on this Old Testament idea of Sabbath, but I think that we are definitely missing something. I KNOW that I'm missing something. And I think a lot of it goes back to trust. Who do I trust to keep things going, keep the world moving, keep life together? Me or God? I'd like to say God, but I think my actions show me all too often. I procrastinate, I slack off, and then I panic and try to do everything myself.

But do I trust Him? Do I enjoy this amazing story He's writing for me? Not like I should. Hmm….

cursing my way through seminary…

The end of the semester is quickly approaching, and the other day, I had to take an online test. I love and hate online tests. I love them because I can take them whenever I feel ready (like 1 am), so there's at least a little less pressure. But, there's always the fear of the computer doing something crazy while I'm taking the test and messing things up. And, the fact that I don't have internet at my house so I'm forced to find an alternate location for my test taking (typically my office).

Anyway, this was the second test I'd taken for this class, so I had somewhat of an idea about what to expect, and I had a study guide to follow. Even with all this, however, when I opened that test up on Blackboard just after 1 am on Friday, I quickly found myself cursing at the computer.

Not just grumbling. All out cursing. I'm definitely glad no one else was around, and feeling a little embarrassed as I write this. Probably not as embarrassed as I should be though. I have a seriously foul mouth, and it's not a good thing. Just not something I've seriously tried to deal with.

Anyway, I was mad because I'd studied all day, reading through tons of pages of my books, over 10 New Testament books, a nearly inch thick stack of class notes, and an audio lecture, and yet, when I opened the test, I still felt totally thrown off and unprepared. All I could think was, seriously? I studied for hours and hours and I still don't know all the stuff that's on this *#$% *@%^# test???

Not good, I know. And the crazy thing was, I just saw my grade and I did fine. I just lost it in that moment of taking the test.

But why?

What sense does it make to be in seminary, learning about God and how to minister to others, when my heart is so messed up?

What does it matter how much I know about God, if I totally miss out on knowing Him and letting Him change the way I live my life?

Anybody can cuss their way through a crummy test, or a bad day, or crazy traffic, or whatever. But shouldn't I be different?

Not perfect. That's a whole other topic. But different. Letting Him get a deeper grip on my mind and heart, so He can uproot the junk that's so deeply settled in there.

I'm starting to see the reality of this problem more and more—in my life and others as well, unfortunately. I say unfortunately because the temptation is to judge and judge big when I see this kind of ridiculousness in others. In others, but not me.

I just sweep it under the rug.

Cursing's not so bad, right? I don't curse in front of others. Just at computer screens and what not. Just in secret, when I'm really mad.

Didn't Jesus say something about the stuff that's in our hearts being just like the stuff we actually do in front of everybody?

Ugh.

I don't really have good answers right now. I feel convicted, but still very reluctant to deal with my heart junk. But I know I don't want things to stay the same.

Even if it's hard, I don't want to be two sided.

"FREE AT LAST"

I have about a million things I need to say in catching up on blogging, but I think I can sum most of them up in two words: work and school.

Ugh.

Though today is still very much a school work day, I've also been able to reflect on Good Friday as I've gone about my day. After I finished listening to "A Serious Call to a Devout and Holy Life" this morning, I made an Easterish play list on my ipod, and I've been surprised by how much having that playing in the background while washing dishes, reading philosophy, and running downtown has made an impact on my thoughts today.

How marvelous is my Savior's love for me!

How WORTHY is He of all my worship, all my thoughts, all my time, all of me...



In my running (er, walking, running, etc) this afternoon, I took a detour through St. John's cemetery, something I hadn't done in years. I always see it and the Jewish cemetery near my house and want to walk through, but never take the time. Today, it just seemed to fit. As I was going by the church, I saw people heading in for mass (it was around 3 pm, so that seemed to fit, since that it is when scripture tells us Jesus died).

I kept looking at the church as I walked around it--it's hard not too, honestly, because it's huge, and so is the cemetery. So when I found an open gate, I walked in and just wandered around for a bit, still listening to my Easter mix and thinking about the power death still seems to have over us.

People of every age and status were buried there. Babies, children, whole families, people all by themselves. Rich people with elaborate and large tombs, average people, people who's graves were worn and crumbling.

Everyone dies.

And everyone has the opportunity to live again in Christ.

I found it hard not to wonder about some of the more elaborate graves. Some literally had small courtyards and fences and benches, all seeming to be made from marble. It blew my mind to think about how much that much cost, and yet, how little it mattered now, really to the dead or the living.

But that's not the point.

The real question is, whether your grave is huge and beautiful or a hole in the mud, unknown to anyone...the real question is, did you know Him? Did you know the One who conquered the grave, overcame death, once and for all?

Yes, we still die physically, but we no longer have to fear death. We have hope. We have life.

As one grave I saw said, we are...

"FREE AT LAST"

So I guess my real question today, for myself and you, is, are you free? Free from fear of death or life or anything at all? Free to live in confidence and joy IN HIM?

It's a once and for all kind of question, and yet also an everyday, every moment kind of question.

Am I free from condemnation, sure of the hope of heaven with Him, and abundant life here on earth?

Yes. That happened 14 years ago this month when I chose to follow Him.

But am I free today? Free of distraction/obsession with earthly things? Free of worry? Free of lies and deceit? Free of the junk that I let hold me down? Free to know that His JOY is my STRENGTH? To really KNOW it?

Those are questions I have to wrestle with everyday...

more boundless

a few excerpts from another great boundless article.

"I'm finally beginning to realize that I cannot show others the truth about God until I tell myself the truth about His unconditional love."

"I can glorify God by continuing to hang onto hope. Either He is the God of the too-good-to-be-true, or He isn't. If I believe that He is, and is the Rewarder of those who seek Him, then I have hope. But hope is not synonymous with demanding my own way. When "I am no longer comforted by God's desire for me," when "I am threatened by it because God's will potentially stands in the way of my demand," that is a danger signal."

very good stuff.

balance: crazy and growing up

argh...

i know i complain about school a lot, but i'm drowning right now...(as you can see in the picture above!).

i don't know why exactly, but today i've just felt crazy. too much to do, too little time, too many choices to make, too much pulling me in good and bad directions. running here and there and making out my psycho to-do lists and checking things off just to keep sane...

i really wanted to do something crazy this afternoon. just run. just disappear. just escape it all. just break something. just scream. just stop.

but welcome to the real world, right?

those hard things that make you strong, those tough choices and no easy way out. ugh.

i was talking to a friend a little while ago, taking a break and hearing about her night, and telling her how crazy i felt, and that i just wanted to do something crazy.

and she was like, ok, so let's do something crazy!

but neither of us could really think of anything.

i think i'm becoming too much of a grown up, and maybe that's not all bad. part of me wants to jump in the car and drive to new orleans and eat beignets at cafe dumonde, but then i think about all the stuff i have to do tomorrow--the commitments i've made this weekend, the papers, packing to go out of town...

the cost is too big. or not worth it, at least.

but it wouldn't have been a few years ago. i was pretty much always game for doing just about anything, and i never imagined i'd grow out of that. not really.

but is it all bad?

i told my friend, after we both realized how much we have to do tomorrow, that maybe we need to take a raincheck on crazy. i don't like that necessarily, but i also don't want to be miserable tomorrow or back out on things i need to do.

a raincheck on crazy...

i'm not sure how that works, if it can work. i love being spontaneous, and yet i also find that i quickly revert to being a psyscho planner, to the point of being manipulative.

ugh.

i'm feeling a lot of 'what if's lately, and yet also a lot of 'oh well's. i'm not really sure how to balance it out. how to be fun and love life and also not be stupid.

so for now, i'm taking a raincheck on crazy. we'll see what happens...