Quick coffee shop reflections on week 1

Whew…what a week!

Good, but overflowing, in good and crazy, and thankfully not really anything bad.

I'm having to run to keep up with things, and I think I like it. I feel a little overwhelmed, but overall, the good kind. Really, I feel over blessed, if that makes sense. Overwhelmed seems so negative, and I really don't feel negative.

Unsure.

Clueless.

Challenged.

Excited.

Splashing around in a big sea of things that I have no clue about.

A little scared.

But really, mostly, thankful.

So thankful for the chance to run. To work hard. To be pushed. To grow and stretch and see what happens. To fail, to succeed. To see You do Your thing.

I have no idea what's ahead—personally, school, ministry, etc—but I'm excited about it. my control freak nature is, well, freaking out, but it's also not the dominating force right now. Trust is moving in and slowly taking over, and I really like that.

Thank You Father.

Alright, out of time and battery so I'm out.

culture shock, nola style…

Oh Lord, what a sense of humor you have…

This morning at church was awesome. Zack, one of our pastors, preached on Jeremiah 29, and I'd never heard this passage explained so well before. The series for the summer has been Connect, and lately we've focused on connecting with lost people, and today, specifically, on our city. Seems such a daunting task, but also so exciting to think about investing in this amazing and crazy city, about really knowing and loving people, and living out who Christ is in the darkest places, in the hard situations where it would be a whole lot easier to act like a jerk than a follower of Christ.

The whole sermon was great, but what really got me, right from the get go, was Jer. 29:7—

    "But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare."

Hello!

How many times have I read and zeroed in on verse 11, thinking all about my own future and welfare, and here, God is saying to the Israelites, no, focus on building up where you are. Grow where I've planted you, and THEN you'll see great things happen. It reminds me of Isaiah 1:19, where the Lord says that when we're willing and obedient, we'll taste the best of the land. That really hit me on the way to India, my need to draw near and follow Him in order to really experience India for all it was worth.

And today, I heard a similar call, but a little deeper. Well, I don't know if that's the right way to say it…a little more long term, maybe? The challenge was to invest in our city, to settle down and live and love and not just focus on getting through until things are better. To not demonize the city, focusing on and trying to avoid all the bad, or go to the other extreme and romanticize it, overlooking the pain and brokenness and basically using it for what we can get from it.

Not either of these, but instead to find a balance that allows us to LIVE in the city. Invested. Struggling. Loving. Hurting. Wrestling. Doubting. Fighting. Praying.

Living.

I was very pumped when I left church this morning, feeling even more of a confirmation from the Lord about things He's been working out in my heart over the past few years and the joy that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be right now, and maybe for quite a while.

And then I went to Walmart.

Good grief, I'm SO glad I lived in another country for a few years—otherwise I think I might have lost it in the midst of all that craziness!

There were people EVERYWHERE. Aisles crowed. Tons of carts. They were out of all sorts of random things like onions and yogurt. Nothing was where it "should" be, at least not according to the Walmart layout I'm used to. I waited in line for a good 20 minutes before I checked out, and Lindsey, who actually got in line before I did, waited about 45 minutes.

It was worse than Walmart on Christmas Eve. I honestly felt like I might just lose it, and one guy totally did—he was standing near the insanely crowded checkout area and he just kept yelling, "OPEN MORE LANES! We're paying good money here—you need to OPEN MORE LANES!!!"

It would have been funny if it hadn't been so true and SO insane.

The "funny" thing about it was that, as I'm standing there, feeling panicky in a way that I hadn't sense my early months overseas, I realized that this was part of what it was going to mean to live in the city.

Ugh.

I was honestly planning it all out—retreat! Thinking, I'll just go to Walmart when I got to Lafayette—even if that's only every few months. I'll do anything else…I can't handle this.

But God really spoke to me there in the checkout line and I had to face the fact that this is part of living in New Orleans. Yeah, I probably won't go back to that Walmart on a weekend again, but I will have to deal with craziness, and I will have to choose each time…

Love or leave?

Am I really committed? Am I really willing to follow wherever You lead me, Lord? To prayerfully take advantage of any opportunity you give me?

I don't know. I want to be, but it's definitely not going to be easy.

I did have an interesting and somewhat spiritual experience as I waited. I asked God to guide me, to let me learn something or see an opportunity with someone. Nothing amazing happened in that moment, other than me maintaining my calm and patience, which actually is pretty remarkable now that I think about it! I tried to keep a smile on my face as I waited, and when I'd finished paying for my groceries, I just looked at the cashier and said, you're doing a really good job of keeping your cool in all this.

I don't think that comment totally changed her life or anything, but she did seem to appreciate it.

I don't know what's in store tomorrow or the next day for me here in New Orleans, but I did learn this today: if I want to love this city, I am really, truly, totally going to HAVE to cling to You.

Help me Lord!

ponder anew…

So, I really need to go to bed.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to start my new regime of getting up early (I mean EARLY!) and exercising and having my quiet time and what not. All to prepare for my 3+ days of 8 am's each week this semester. I'm trying to be more grown up, more scheduled, etc, but I'm not really sure how that's going to work living on campus, and especially being around so many other people, with so much temptation to procrastinate…

Discipline is going to have to become my theme this semester…

So I should go to bed…but I'm working on another discipline that I've neglected lately: writing. It's one of those things that feels like it was a big part of my life for a long time, and it got boxed away for some reason. But now, today especially, I've felt very inspired to open that box back up, dig through it, and just see what happens. I'm loving my first taste of this new church community I've been adopted into. I feel so welcomed and so excited about all the potential, and so challenged and inspired by the desire to reach others with the Gospel and truly impact lives, through a variety of mediums. It's exciting, engaging, challenging…I really feel alive, and my mind is racing, and this is only week one! I know it's not going to be easy or even always fun, but I am so thankful for where God has me right now, and have been really amazed at all the little things that keep popping up that are clearly from Him. I just feel like saying, seriously?, over and over again.

So I'm going to start writing again. Songs. Blogs. Devotionals. Emails (SUCH a slacker on this!). My roommate Stefanie really inspired me today when she was sitting next to me on the couch working on a blog post/facebook note. I mean, how can I sit here and just goof off online when I have so much potential to be productive, right? So, here goes nothing.

I have been chewing on two things today/lately, and will hopefully write more later: the idea of seeing and fearing and responding to God, and the verse from the hymn Praise to the Lord, "ponder anew, what the Almighty can do if with His love He befriends thee."

Ponder anew…

Just got back from Paris tonight. Texas, that is. While it's probably nothing like Paris, France, it does have an Eiffel tower (with a red cowboy hat on top!), and I have to imagine is at least more exciting than Paris, KY. But maybe that's just me…

It was a good trip overall. Good times with good friends, all that jazz.

So I don't know exactly why I feel so blah right now…the loneliness of having nothing to come home to? The fact that I haven't yet adjusted to having not so much that I HAVE TO do because school is out for now…I should enjoy that, but I have a really hard time with it. Maybe it's more having a lot to say, and no idea how to say it…

I hate that. I hate not being able to feel like I can be more honest in conversations, say what I really mean and feel and not cause drama and what not. Even now, here, on my blog that no one reads, I think, should I even say this? Shouldn't I be worried about how people will take it?

Once again, how do I SPEAK the TRUTH in LOVE?

Not angry, hurt attacking words.

Not sugar coated lies or excuses or downplays of things.

Not bitter or sad silence.

The truth…

Spoken…

In love…

Ugh…

hide and seek

So, I'm at the college house all alone right now, and it's rather late, and this is a big creepy house...so, needless to say, this won't be a long post.

But I've had something on my mind for quite a while now and I keep meaning to blog about it:

How much do other people see me? I mean, how clear to them is all the stuff that I'm so oblivious to?

I look at others, my friends, family, people I know well or hardly know at all, people I love and people I try to avoid, and their "junk" just seems so painfully obvious. Of course, no one (myself especially included) ever does or says anything about it, not to them at least.

But it's so obvious.

My friends who are too dramatic, too focused on certain things, too gossipy, cuss too much, overly sensitive or totally insensitive...all of it just seems so out there, so clear. I don't know why they don't see it, honestly....

And then I have to think, what about my junk? What about all the things I either have no clue about or think no one else can see? Is that too not painfully obvious to everyone else?

Why do we not say something? Why do we hold back when we could help each other? Yes, messy and painful, but how did our society/culture/whatever get built around this ugly, painful silence?

How how how how HOW do I learn to speak (and take) the truth in love?

procrastination and Sabbaths…

I've been thinking about blogging for quite a while now. thinking and not doing, of course.

But school is out, and I don't really have any excuses any more. And really, I want to do it…it's just a matter of sitting down and making myself stop long enough to write.

Making myself stop long enough to do anything, really.

Now that school's over, I'm not exactly sure what it is that I'm so busy doing. There's a lot I NEED to do (finish cleaning apartment), and a lot of little things I have finished doing (running errands), but I guess I'm still trying to find the balance between being non stop with school, and now redirecting myself to be purposeful with work and the rest of life.

I think I have a need to always be doing something. I hate it when I'm stuck in the middle of it, whatever it is (school, etc), but then I can't seem to get much done without that pressure. I wait until the 11^th hour, I procrastinate, and then, voila, I am inspired.

But I hate it. I hate pulling all nighters like I did last week with my New Testament class. I hate that I can't seem to discipline myself, that I pretty much have to be forced or coerced or outwardly motivated to get anything done.

I'm days away from 29 and still such a lazy, slacker kid…

I'm so good at talking myself out of things, especially if they are related to me doing something I need to do, and even want to do, but maybe don't think is a priority…yet. Like going to the dentist, taking a spiritual retreat, going to the grocery store, etc. I NEED to do all these things, for a variety of reasons, but I'm terrifically good at putting them off, because I'm not yet in a position where I HAVE TO do them. My teeth aren't hurting or falling out yet, there's still cereal in my house, I finally took a spiritual retreat, but it was such a challenge to make it happen. And the only real challenge was me…

This book that I'm reading now, Eat, Pray, Love, by Elisabeth Gilbert, is very interesting, and I think has something to say on this topic. I got this book over a year ago, and wasn't really drawn to it at first because I knew it was going to be very spiritual, new-agey, etc, but the funny thing is that I really felt drawn to it on my day of spiritual retreat last week. Go figure. But it's turned out to be a pretty good book, for a lot of reasons, and I definitely think I can learn something from it.

The first section, which I just finished today, is about the first leg of Gilbert's year of travel, where she spent 4 months in Italy, seeking pleasure. It seems such a strange and even wrong thing to say, seeking pleasure—it usually has a negative or selfish connotation. But as I read this section, I couldn't help but think about the very Christian/Jewish idea of a Sabbath. Gilbert, who's just been through a nasty divorce, etc, finds rest and healing in the simple pleasures of Italy. She is free and able to rest and enjoy life.

I think about my life, and how I'm always trying to cram more in, to get to do everything and how frustrated I am when it doesn't all work out the way I'd like for it to. I think about what a control freak I am and how much I just want things to happen my way, when I want, how I want—how much I want time and events and people to work that way, and how mad/sad/etc I get when it doesn't.

And I have to wonder, do I really enjoy life?

I mean, I enjoy moments. I have really fun days and memories, but do I, overall, look at life with the perspective of enjoying it? enjoying others? Not in a selfish way, but in free way, really free to love others and enjoy life, come what may, without trying to control things?

I think, unfortunately, I am too caught up in having things go my way to really even enjoy them when they do.

I'm always thinking about what's coming next—worrying and planning and what not. And definitely never resting and enjoying.

That's a big issue for Americans, especially American Christians. We think of Sunday as a day of rest, and generally don't like to "work" on Sundays (though that's becoming less and less an issue), but really, we do anything BUT rest. Sunday is the busiest day of the week for me, and for many other church employees, and members. It's not rest. It's not really enjoyable, not like I think it should be. It's definitely not Sabbath.

So, what's the point?

I admit, I haven't done enough research to really have a firm grasp on this Old Testament idea of Sabbath, but I think that we are definitely missing something. I KNOW that I'm missing something. And I think a lot of it goes back to trust. Who do I trust to keep things going, keep the world moving, keep life together? Me or God? I'd like to say God, but I think my actions show me all too often. I procrastinate, I slack off, and then I panic and try to do everything myself.

But do I trust Him? Do I enjoy this amazing story He's writing for me? Not like I should. Hmm….

cursing my way through seminary…

The end of the semester is quickly approaching, and the other day, I had to take an online test. I love and hate online tests. I love them because I can take them whenever I feel ready (like 1 am), so there's at least a little less pressure. But, there's always the fear of the computer doing something crazy while I'm taking the test and messing things up. And, the fact that I don't have internet at my house so I'm forced to find an alternate location for my test taking (typically my office).

Anyway, this was the second test I'd taken for this class, so I had somewhat of an idea about what to expect, and I had a study guide to follow. Even with all this, however, when I opened that test up on Blackboard just after 1 am on Friday, I quickly found myself cursing at the computer.

Not just grumbling. All out cursing. I'm definitely glad no one else was around, and feeling a little embarrassed as I write this. Probably not as embarrassed as I should be though. I have a seriously foul mouth, and it's not a good thing. Just not something I've seriously tried to deal with.

Anyway, I was mad because I'd studied all day, reading through tons of pages of my books, over 10 New Testament books, a nearly inch thick stack of class notes, and an audio lecture, and yet, when I opened the test, I still felt totally thrown off and unprepared. All I could think was, seriously? I studied for hours and hours and I still don't know all the stuff that's on this *#$% *@%^# test???

Not good, I know. And the crazy thing was, I just saw my grade and I did fine. I just lost it in that moment of taking the test.

But why?

What sense does it make to be in seminary, learning about God and how to minister to others, when my heart is so messed up?

What does it matter how much I know about God, if I totally miss out on knowing Him and letting Him change the way I live my life?

Anybody can cuss their way through a crummy test, or a bad day, or crazy traffic, or whatever. But shouldn't I be different?

Not perfect. That's a whole other topic. But different. Letting Him get a deeper grip on my mind and heart, so He can uproot the junk that's so deeply settled in there.

I'm starting to see the reality of this problem more and more—in my life and others as well, unfortunately. I say unfortunately because the temptation is to judge and judge big when I see this kind of ridiculousness in others. In others, but not me.

I just sweep it under the rug.

Cursing's not so bad, right? I don't curse in front of others. Just at computer screens and what not. Just in secret, when I'm really mad.

Didn't Jesus say something about the stuff that's in our hearts being just like the stuff we actually do in front of everybody?

Ugh.

I don't really have good answers right now. I feel convicted, but still very reluctant to deal with my heart junk. But I know I don't want things to stay the same.

Even if it's hard, I don't want to be two sided.