Saturday, April 18, 2009

cursing my way through seminary…

The end of the semester is quickly approaching, and the other day, I had to take an online test. I love and hate online tests. I love them because I can take them whenever I feel ready (like 1 am), so there's at least a little less pressure. But, there's always the fear of the computer doing something crazy while I'm taking the test and messing things up. And, the fact that I don't have internet at my house so I'm forced to find an alternate location for my test taking (typically my office).

Anyway, this was the second test I'd taken for this class, so I had somewhat of an idea about what to expect, and I had a study guide to follow. Even with all this, however, when I opened that test up on Blackboard just after 1 am on Friday, I quickly found myself cursing at the computer.

Not just grumbling. All out cursing. I'm definitely glad no one else was around, and feeling a little embarrassed as I write this. Probably not as embarrassed as I should be though. I have a seriously foul mouth, and it's not a good thing. Just not something I've seriously tried to deal with.

Anyway, I was mad because I'd studied all day, reading through tons of pages of my books, over 10 New Testament books, a nearly inch thick stack of class notes, and an audio lecture, and yet, when I opened the test, I still felt totally thrown off and unprepared. All I could think was, seriously? I studied for hours and hours and I still don't know all the stuff that's on this *#$% *@%^# test???

Not good, I know. And the crazy thing was, I just saw my grade and I did fine. I just lost it in that moment of taking the test.

But why?

What sense does it make to be in seminary, learning about God and how to minister to others, when my heart is so messed up?

What does it matter how much I know about God, if I totally miss out on knowing Him and letting Him change the way I live my life?

Anybody can cuss their way through a crummy test, or a bad day, or crazy traffic, or whatever. But shouldn't I be different?

Not perfect. That's a whole other topic. But different. Letting Him get a deeper grip on my mind and heart, so He can uproot the junk that's so deeply settled in there.

I'm starting to see the reality of this problem more and more—in my life and others as well, unfortunately. I say unfortunately because the temptation is to judge and judge big when I see this kind of ridiculousness in others. In others, but not me.

I just sweep it under the rug.

Cursing's not so bad, right? I don't curse in front of others. Just at computer screens and what not. Just in secret, when I'm really mad.

Didn't Jesus say something about the stuff that's in our hearts being just like the stuff we actually do in front of everybody?


I don't really have good answers right now. I feel convicted, but still very reluctant to deal with my heart junk. But I know I don't want things to stay the same.

Even if it's hard, I don't want to be two sided.

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