Saturday, January 31, 2009

heaven

I went to the park today, to run a bit in preparation for Tuesday and our running and swimming triathalon training. (mini triathalon, that is). It's been SUCH a gorgeous day, and it was perfect weather for being outside, so the park was packed. Sometimes that annoys me, but as I ran/walked/sprinted around the track, something hit me.

What if this is what heaven is like?

I honestly don't like to think about heaven much. I mean, it's not that I don't like to think about it, but I have to admit that I'm lightly judgmental towards all the folks that go on and on about streets of gold and what not. And I really don't like singing songs about when we all get there and how great it's going to be and whatnot.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all about going to heaven. I just think, why focus on that now? I mean, maybe, why obsess about it and let it become a bigger focus than the reality of all the people around us who are NOT going to be there, at least not unless we do something?

Ok, sorry, that's a whole other soapbox…

But anyway, I just started thinking as I was running around, what if heaven is more like this, this beautiful and full park, than this big mansion filled, gold coated city? What if the reality is more the people there, the community, the conversations, the fun, the beauty, the worship, the sense of life and life to the full?

Now that's something I could think about more often.

I really can't describe how awesome everything looked in the park today. Clear skies. Cool breeze. A large Muslim family/families. Buddhist monk and a white guy walking the track. People with dogs and puppies and feeding ducks. Kids. Teenagers. Couples. Adults. People reading. People laughing. Kids playing on the playground. People exercising. People sleeping, playing Frisbee golf, setting up tents, listening to music, riding bikes, cooking out, laughing, talking, walking on a tight rope thing.

Everything. Pretty much everything you could imagine. Ok, well, not everything, but so much going on. So many different races and ages, all mixed together, all enjoying themselves and each other and the weather.

So what if heaven is more like a perfect version of that?

Like the end of the last book of CS Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia, where they all end up back in Narnia, but it's not the same. It's new. More real and more Narnia than they could ever have imagined. Perfect. Beautiful, and yet still the same Narnia they knew and loved.

It makes me think of those Claritin commercials where you see everything clearly, you think, and then BAM, they remove this film from the screen and say something about Claritin clear, and everything looks AMAZINLY brighter. You can't even comprehend the way it looked before as being clear.

So what if heaven is more like that?

I love days in the park like today, but they're not perfect. But what if they were? Perfect air, trees, grass, earth, people, smells, tastes, conversations, games, etc.

Totally beyond what I can really imagine, and yet something I think I want. Something beautiful and perfect and alive. Much more alive to me than streets of gold, you know?

I don't know. this is by no means theological or anything like that. I really have no clue, but I think heaven will have more to do with relationships with God and each other than anything about where we are or what it looks like.

Just something to think about…

Friday, January 30, 2009

seminary

Since the spring semester started a few days ago, I've been working on reading for school and thinking about the whole seminary thing. I have a bunch of friends who are in seminary now, or who've just finished. I'd say that, overall, most of us have enjoyed the experience (for the most part). I know it's been awesome for me. there are definitely those classes and teachers and subjects and days that just, well, stink, but overall, I'm so glad that this is where I am right now. I love what I'm learning and what God's doing in me through it.

However, I know there are others who are not big fans of seminary. I don't really know why—I haven't really spoken to someone of this persuasion in a while. And I know some people have very valid reasons for feeling this way, so I'm going to address one of them now.

Seminary is great for learning a TON of information, more than you could possibly ever use or retain. Monday, as one of my classmates was telling us about a workshop he'd just finished, he described it as "drinking from a fire hydrant." Pretty accurate, I'd say. And knowledge is definitely a great thing. but I think the danger, and what people see as a problem with seminary, is getting puffed up with a lot of knowledge and yet no real application of it—all talk and no action. Or too much talk at least. Knowing the answers, but now really KNOWING them, you know?

I don't like people like that. problem is, I can be one of them sometimes. And that's why I've been praying that God will not only expand my knowledge during seminary, but really take me deep with Him. One of my professors mentioned that just the other day—that we can know a whole lot, but still be spiritual babies. Probably goes along with the whole "easy to understand, hard to apply" thing of so much of scripture.

But this is the other thought I've had lately: is it ok to not work on gaining knowledge?

No, of course not. So is it ok to gain it only on your own, to make opinions and form doctrine solely based on your own experiences?

Um, again, no. but how often do we do this? In our super individualized society, this is totally becoming common place. We don't need to know what someone else says about scripture, what centuries of history support or what proper interpretation would lead us to believe. No, we just know what we've experienced. That's enough, right?

The way I see it, it's kind of like going in for surgery, meeting the doctor, and asking him about his background. He doesn't tell you where he studied or what field he specializes in—he just says, "well, I've been a human my whole life, and I've been sick before, so I think I can help you out."

Hello.

But I think we don't realize how often we sound like this. We have no real basis in scripture or doctrine or anything other than our personal experiences from years of being Christians. Now, there is GREAT value to a long and deep walk with Christ, but I guess what I'm saying is, balance it out.

Learn. Grow. Study. AND go deep.

I think they have to go hand in hand. HAVE TO.

So…

You can get a seminary degree and not really know a thing about walking with the Lord.

You can be a Christian who's been through a lot, but maybe still has a messed up perspective on God and theology.

You can probably be somewhere in between.

Or you can go deep and wide. Know all about Him, and let that deepen your knowledge of Him as well. That's my prayer for seminary. That, and for my sanity to stay somewhat intact in the process!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Romans 12, Msg

So, for my spiritual formations class, we're about to start working through Romans 12-16, meditating on scripture. Today, I read the first half of Romans 12 in the Message. Very good stuff:

Romans 12 (The Message)

Place Your Life Before God

 1-2 So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

 3I'm speaking to you out of deep gratitude for all that God has given me, and especially as I have responsibilities in relation to you. Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.

 4-6In this way we are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around. The body we're talking about is Christ's body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn't amount to much, would we? So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ's body, let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't.

 6-8If you preach, just preach God's Message, nothing else; if you help, just help, don't take over; if you teach, stick to your teaching; if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don't get bossy; if you're put in charge, don't manipulate; if you're called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don't let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face.

So many things about this passage really jumped out at me, but probably one overall theme in particular: together. Individually, together with God, and as a whole, together with each other and God. But either way, together.

I think this gets me because I find myself just wanting to do everything, well, myself. I want God to equip me and let me go. Wind me up and let me spin, or whatever. But depending on Him? Ugh. That's too difficult. Too unpredictable. Too not about me and what I want, really.

But, as something I read yesterday pointed out (Beth Moore, Breaking Free), it's not about what He enables us to do, or what He gives us, but about Him.

KNOWing Him.

That's the point. The reason. Etc. And this passage is all about that—knowing, believing, trusting Him and letting Him change us, and then being a part of community through that. We were made to be, work, live TOGETHER—with Him and with others. And that's why independence (ie, self-centeredness) is so ugly.

Here it really rears its ugly head:

 6-8If you preach, just preach God's Message, nothing else; if you help, just help, don't take over; if you teach, stick to your teaching; if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don't get bossy; if you're put in charge, don't manipulate; if you're called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don't let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face.

How many times have I done just the opposite though? Come in with my plan, my way, my ideas—me, me me…But that's not the way it's supposed to be. We each have a part to play, an important part too—but we are not THE point. We are a part of an amazing story, but not the central key hero of the story. There was something else I read recently as well, in Galatians or 1 Timothy that had a similar tone—the idea of serving without coming with an agenda.

Somehow, we've gotten lost in all that. we want everyone to have fun, everyone to be happy, everyone to win, everyone to be in charge. La de da.

What does that look like? Chaos, that's my guess. A bunch of messy, self centered people who are constantly huffing and puffing and picking up their toys and heading home because they can't have their way. or pushing and fighting and manipulating until others give in.

Very ugly.

Very good stuff. Wow, I could go on about this for a while! Anyway, definitely something to pray about!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

know and KNOW

So, as I was working on something else in Word 2007, I just rediscovered the blog feature. Ah, I love not having to capitalize and spell check! We'll see how well it actually works.

Started back to school yesterday, and it was actually a pretty good day. I'm taking 3 classes on campus, and one online class. Definitely going to be a lot of work, but also pretty interesting. I'm taking Hermeneutics, Spiritual Formations 2 and intro to the philosophy of religion on campus in Alexandria (extension center technically), and then new testament online. Lots of reading. And writing papers, but from what I saw yesterday, good professors and lots of potential to learn AND go deeper.

I separate out those 2, learning and going deeper, because of something one of our professors said yesterday. I really like Dr Dickerson a lot—really, I respect him and his walk with Christ. He's very sincere and real and passionate and knowledgeable and caring—you don't often see all of those together!

Anyway, this is what he said yesterday that got me: you can know a lot about God, the Bible, etc, and still be spiritually shallow. How painful, and yet how true!

I saw this first with professors who knew so much about God's word and yet didn't know Him at all. And I see it even more now, with myself and others, in the vast amount that we know and the little that we KNOW.

Usually, when I use those two versions of know, I point to my head for know and my heart for KNOW—KNOW implies knowing in a deep and real way, applying and living what you know. that's where I think we tend to fall short all too often today. Where we've somehow totally dropped the ball and started just doing and acting and not being transformed, made new.

Something that's run through my mind lately with this is the idea that seems to be so prevalent (though not verbalized necessarily) that we can not only come to Christ/church just as we are, but that it's ok to also stay that way. like an extended version of "just as I am" or something.

We know and know and know and can quote and do and pretend, but are we really being transformed? Changed? Made new? Are we living what we know?

No, I don't think so. Not overall.

I don't know how we lost this. I don't know how I continue to struggle with it so much. Being so satisfied with head knowledge when my heart is so full of junk. It's like Paul said to the Corinthians—my head gets totally puffed up with knowledge, but it's not balanced with love that would make me able to build others up.

Ugh.

Honestly, it's not something I really want to deal with personally, but I'd love for others to figure it out. To stop being dumb and really live like Christians. Stop planning events and programs and bible studies and start just chewing on and living out what's true. I'd love for everybody else to just get it already.

But, I don't like to face the fact that, really, I have so far to go as well. So much I know and yet don't KNOW. don't really want to KNOW, because that would mean letting go and changing, and it's just so much more comfortable to stay stuck where I am. Most of the time.

So I guess I do know why we stay so stuck, or at least part of it. it's easier to follow rules and guidelines than to really seek change and transformation. Or, at least, it's easier to do that for ourselves, but it sure seems easy enough for everyone else to change. I am the expert on others and their issues and an idiot when it comes to myself and my junk.

But what I really want is to not stay stuck. To grow. To be a spiritual giant. And not out of bragging rights, because really, that defeats the point. But to know and KNOW Him in a way that changes ME and how I interact with others and the world in general. To know a lot about Him, and only have that outweighed by how well I actually KNOW Him.

I think it's going to be a good semester. Lots to chew on, and hopefully some solid steps to take forwards.

know and KNOW

So, as I was working on something else in Word 2007, I just rediscovered the blog feature. Ah, I love not having to capitalize and spell check! We'll see how well it actually works.

Started back to school yesterday, and it was actually a pretty good day. I'm taking 3 classes on campus, and one online class. Definitely going to be a lot of work, but also pretty interesting. I'm taking Hermeneutics, Spiritual Formations 2 and intro to the philosophy of religion on campus in Alexandria (extension center technically), and then new testament online. Lots of reading. And writing papers, but from what I saw yesterday, good professors and lots of potential to learn AND go deeper.

I separate out those 2, learning and going deeper, because of something one of our professors said yesterday. I really like Dr Dickerson a lot—really, I respect him and his walk with Christ. He's very sincere and real and passionate and knowledgeable and caring—you don't often see all of those together!

Anyway, this is what he said yesterday that got me: you can know a lot about God, the Bible, etc, and still be spiritually shallow. How painful, and yet how true!

I saw this first with professors who knew so much about God's word and yet didn't know Him at all. And I see it even more now, with myself and others, in the vast amount that we know and the little that we KNOW.

Usually, when I use those two versions of know, I point to my head for know and my heart for KNOW—KNOW implies knowing in a deep and real way, applying and living what you know. that's where I think we tend to fall short all too often today. Where we've somehow totally dropped the ball and started just doing and acting and not being transformed, made new.

Something that's run through my mind lately with this is the idea that seems to be so prevalent (though not verbalized necessarily) that we can not only come to Christ/church just as we are, but that it's ok to also stay that way. like an extended version of "just as I am" or something.

We know and know and know and can quote and do and pretend, but are we really being transformed? Changed? Made new? Are we living what we know?

No, I don't think so. Not overall.

I don't know how we lost this. I don't know how I continue to struggle with it so much. Being so satisfied with head knowledge when my heart is so full of junk. It's like Paul said to the Corinthians—my head gets totally puffed up with knowledge, but it's not balanced with love that would make me able to build others up.

Ugh.

Honestly, it's not something I really want to deal with personally, but I'd love for others to figure it out. To stop being dumb and really live like Christians. Stop planning events and programs and bible studies and start just chewing on and living out what's true. I'd love for everybody else to just get it already.

But, I don't like to face the fact that, really, I have so far to go as well. So much I know and yet don't KNOW. don't really want to KNOW, because that would mean letting go and changing, and it's just so much more comfortable to stay stuck where I am. Most of the time.

So I guess I do know why we stay so stuck, or at least part of it. it's easier to follow rules and guidelines than to really seek change and transformation. Or, at least, it's easier to do that for ourselves, but it sure seems easy enough for everyone else to change. I am the expert on others and their issues and an idiot when it comes to myself and my junk.

But what I really want is to not stay stuck. To grow. To be a spiritual giant. And not out of bragging rights, because really, that defeats the point. But to know and KNOW Him in a way that changes ME and how I interact with others and the world in general. To know a lot about Him, and only have that outweighed by how well I actually KNOW Him.

I think it's going to be a good semester. Lots to chew on, and hopefully some solid steps to take forwards.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

desire

our pastor's sermon today was really excellent. he's doing a series on the sermon on the mount, as we make our focus for these first few months of 2009 "wisdom" (overall theme for the year: luke 2:52--growing in wisdom, stature/health, favor with God and favor with man, like Christ did).

anyway, there were several things that jumped out to me as he discussed having a maximum devotion to Christ. first, a Heart that DESIRES to be right with God. specifically, he said: "very little comes to those who do not desire it."

it seems at first like a "duh" statement, but the more i think about it, the more i realize how true this is. i mean, there are a lot of things that i say that i want. i want to be more healthy. i want to make better choices, to have a better schedule, to stop making excuses, to stop cursing, etc etc

but do i really, REALLY desire these things? i mean, in a way that drives me? compels me?

i think that's the difference. we all want the best life we can have. but, are we willing to do what it takes to get there? do we desire the best, specifically God's best so much that it changes the way we live, the way we interact with Him? or do we just settle for good enough? for being good, basically content people, when we could be spiritually ALIVE?

hello. i think i know where i fall all too often...

he also said that, especially when it comes to our walk with God, the more you have, the more you want. and, the less you have, the less you're interested in Him.

i definitely can see that in my life. that's why i think psalm 34:8 is so powerful: "TASTE and see that the Lord is GOOD." it implies that we have to get up close and personal, take a bite, see for ourselves. don't just take someone else's word for it! don't just sit on the sidelines and watch someone else live out life with Him! taste and see!

what an incredible invitation! to KNOW God so intimately, to draw near, to taste His very goodness. and yet, how easy i find it to totally ignore Him. to fill up on junk food, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically, and to miss out on the goodness of drawing near to Him.

it fits--it's not something we can explain or describe, but only experience through moving in His direction, through taking that first bite, that first step towards Him. maybe at first moving without any desire at all, but believing that to move towards Him will bring about desire, will fuel the want for Him that will change us forever. awaken us. quicken us.

hmm...good stuff...

Saturday, January 24, 2009

conviction

ooh, two blogs in one day! well, this one doesn't really count because it's actually an article i just read at boundless.org (a site i HIGHLY recommend you check out!):

hmm, on second thought, i don't know how all that works with reposting an article, so i'll just put up a link and some quotes:

this article is called "Conviction Life," by Rachel Starr Thomson, and is about living by conviction, not just default or reacting. hello. that's so something i've been wrestling with lately.

"Every day, I'm faced with choices that will put me in one of three streams: life by default, in reaction, or by conviction. And though living by default is easy and reaction feels good in the heat of the moment, I realize more and more that only a life of conviction is consistent with my faith. It is the life God is calling me to embrace."

i think this hits the nail on the head--how easy it is to simply go through the motions of life, to waste time just doing what's immediate, and ignoring the greater things that are at stake! how often do i do that (everyday, really), because i don't want to plan to do something else and somehow miss out on something "better" that comes along. i default, i react, but i don't live like i'm standing on something solid and firm, something that matters more than what i can see and know around me.

"Both streams are very human — both may even be necessary for growth into adulthood. But neither was meant to be a permanent way of life. The more I grow, the more I live with the uncomfortable realization that God wants me to step out of the flow, to lay down my reactions, and to live by conviction.

Merriam-Webster defines conviction as "the state of being convinced of error or compelled to admit the truth; a strong persuasion or belief; the state of being convinced." Conviction is not based on stimulus, rebellion, or going with the flow. It requires thorough exploration of a matter, concentrated thought, and committed practice. Living by conviction means living in accordance with what I believe to be true — according to what I've been convinced is true."

discipline...commitment...action...hello...

"To live by conviction requires several things of me.

First, it requires a recognition of authority. My personal preferences and opinions are not convictions. To live by conviction requires that I recognize objective truth as God defines it. If I want to live by conviction, I must regularly seek out the ultimate authority on all of life's issues — I must learn Scripture and apply it soundly to my life. If I wish to be fully persuaded in anything, I must put time and effort into studying the Bible."

this is exactly what i've been wrestling with so much lately--authority, and how quickly we totally abandon it, at a huge expense to ourselves and others. hello! the other 2 things she says are equally important: commitment to thought--asking questions and thinking things through: "And, I remind myself as I begin to be carried away by the grandness of it all, I should ask questions not out of rebellion, pride or love of debate, but out of a sincere desire for truth — especially when it challenges me."

and then finally, acting on our convictions--application. i like this comment on conviction and action, because it is so easily to separate the two, and so deceive ourselves: "Bringing my convictions into the realm of action also provides me with a good litmus test: If I find that my convictions cannot be practiced, I may need to reexamine my thinking. God's truth corresponds to reality — if my convictions do not, they may not correspond to God's truth!"

good stuff. go read the whole article, and check out the other amazing stuff at boundless.org--you won't be disappointed.

quickening

this past year, i've thought a lot about the Holy Spirit. listened to some great messages about Him from Francis Chan, and been praying a lot more that God would not just help me to be able to do the things i want to do, should do, etc, but that He would actually work in and through me to do them.

that the Holy Spirit would move me, instead of me trying to move myself. empower me. however you want to say it--i guess i've been awakened to the idea that when He says we can do all things through Him (Phil 4:13), it's not so much the idea of filling up at the gas station on God-fuel, and then heading off on my own. rather, it's staying plugged into the source, and realizing, really realizing, that as much as i like to think i can do things on my own, i can't. not really. it may seem or feel like it or whatever, but the truth is, i have to learn to depend on Him.

SO much easier said than done, especially for a stubborn girl like me.

but one thing i've been specifically thinking and praying about lately is this idea of "quickening." i didn't know much about the term, but i'd heard others use it when i'd read some older texts, written by some of the greats of our faith (Wesley, etc). so, of course, i googled it.

interestingly, the first thing i found on wikipedia was actually about pregnancy. i thought i was off at first, but as i skimmed over the article, i began to see the connection:

"The word "quick" originally meant "alive". Historically, quickening has sometimes been considered to be the beginning of the possession of "individual life" by the fetus."

now, the way i was originally thinking of this term was in relation to the Holy Spirit being at work in our lives/hearts/etc, waking us up spiritually to the truth and reality of God. that was my understanding from the references to it in what i'd read. and this seems to fit right in, in an even more amazing way.

a baby in its mother's womb was said to be quicken when it moved for the first time, when it showed evidence of LIFE. we don't use this term much any more, not that i'm aware of at least, but what an incredible concept, especially when you link it to our spiritual life.

so, to get a little more info, i headed to the dictionary:

quick·en
Pronunciation: \ˈkwi-kən\
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): quick·ened; quick·en·ing \ˈkwi-kÉ™-niÅ‹, ˈkwik-niÅ‹\
Date: 14th century

transitive verb
1 a: to make alive : revive b: to cause to be enlivened : stimulate
2archaic a: kindle b: to cause to burn more intensely
3: to make more rapid : hasten , accelerate
4 a: to make (a curve) sharper b: to make (a slope) steeper

intransitive verb
1: to quicken something
2: to come to life ; especially : to enter into a phase of active growth and development
3: to reach the stage of gestation at which fetal motion is felt
4: to shine more brightly
5: to become more rapid


incredible! no wonder people used to use this word to describe the action of the Holy Spirit in our hearts when we finally "get it," when the pieces fit together, the lights come on, and we know that we KNOW that God is who He says He is and He is doing what He said He'd do, right there, in our own lives.

a totatly undescribable experience, and yet so real and tangible it feels like it hardly makes sense.

the quickening of our souls.

wow.

i especially like this part of the definition: "to come to life ; especially : to enter into a phase of active growth and development "

this is the way it should be for us as believers, coming to life and then entering into a phase of active growth and development, hungering for God, for this new life that we've tasted and longing to grow and be more like Him.

so why is it that we settle for so much less most of the time?

why is it that i'm so quickly distracted by junk when i have the opportunity for a true feast before me? why am i so content with mudpies when all the joy and wonder of life with You is there before me?

ugh.

so this has been my prayer lately, for myself and others, that God would awaken, would quicken us. that we would stop settling for junk and start hungering for Him. i think we can only learn and know so much--there comes a point when we have to start reaching, tasting, moving, and really, letting Him move us.

so, come Lord Jesus, come.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

self control: part 2, balance

it's funny when i open up blogger and see this blog and my india blog and realize how many posts i've already done here, compared to the 2 years i spent there. of course, totally different focuses--that one was always about pictures and stories and what not, and here, well, just me and my ramblings.

anyway, lost was good. very good. so glad i finally got to watch it--gotta love tv online (and NOT having to wait HOURS on end to download it...ugh)

so, self control. still chewing on that one. struggling with it right now--the strong urge to go get another dr pepper and just not care. i have become waaaay too accustomed to instant gratification, which seems to just fuel me wanting stuff more and more, or eating/taking/doing stuff that's there, whether i really want/need to or not.

it's the immediate vs the important.

now, sometimes, what's immediate is also what's most important. someone's bleeding to death in front of me--well, that's both immediate and important, obviously. however, 9 times of out 10 i think i get caught up in just doing what's right in front of me, just getting by and moving on. i don't plan ahead because i'm too busy dealing with what's here and now, and i always feel like i'm playing catch up.

is it just because i'm not really that much of a planner? because i like to go with the flow? i'm good at that, most of the time, but it definitely catches up with me, and i've realized in the past couple of years that it really does pay to be as prepared as possible (especially when it comes to speaking/teaching, which i'm notorious for winging).

but what about everything else? i don't have a 9 to 5 job, and school is pretty flexible too, so i find it very easy to just go through my days, responding to what comes up and taking opportunities as they come, not really planning, or canceling loosely made plans as something better comes up. it's nice, in some ways, to have this kind of freedom, but i also have to wonder what this might be setting me up for in the future...am i developing bad habits now that will only cause more issues later by being so "whatever" about most things?

and the funny thing is, i think i'm kind of jekyll and hyde with this: one minute, i'm flexible, unplanned, etc. the next, watch out--i want it done my way, right now, no questions, etc.

ugh.

i'm reminded of something i read by elizabeth elliot about how balance is both the most essential and most difficult thing for christians (and i'd say humans in general). who wants to develop balance, discipline, self control, etc when i can just do whatever i want? that's a lot more fun, right? no harm done, right?

maybe, maybe not.

and unfortunately probably not.

the friend i was talking to yesterday, she just had a baby a few months back, and when we met, the baby was with her. we were getting coffee, so i asked her about the "rules" for caffeine and babies and breast feeding. she said that from what she'd researched, it was really just about doing everything in moderation to keep you and the baby healthy.

and then she said something that's stuck with me: "i guess that's really the way it is in life in general, pregnant or not, moderation is what keeps us healthy." (this is my paraphrase)

hello.

balance. physically. mentally. emotionally. spiritually. it's so hard, but so essential, because all our flip flopping around only leads to an unhealthy life, in any or all of those categories.

time to stop making excuses. ugh.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

self control: first thoughts, part 1, etc

i've been thinking a lot about discipline lately (mainly, the major lack of it that i'm seeing in multiple areas of my life). oddly, both my Bible reading (1 Tim 4) and our youth Wed night study (also 1 Tim 4) have centered on this topic this week, reminding me once again that God is really trying to get this through my thick skull. however, today, this thought took a new twist while i was having coffee with a friend this morning.

i don't remember exactly how the conversation started, but somehow we got to talking about self control, and all of the sudden, the light bulb popped on in my head. discipline. self control. duh. fruit of the spirit. hello!

i get so bent on doing it all on my own, on winning, succeeding, being the best, etc, and i tend to forget that what it all really boils down to is trusting God to bring about these things in my life that i can't seem to create or muster up on my own.

like self control. controlling my words, my thoughts, my actions, my impulses--making wise choices, planning ahead, evaluating and moving forward, discipline. all things i need, and want, and yet don't always feel motivated to work towards.

i'm realizing that i want the microwave version of things. or, whether that's what i really want or not, that's what i tend to settle for. over and over. regardless of the consequences or bad taste or whatever. it's easy. it's fast. it's there.

but it's not what i really want. not deep down inside. it's a short cut, and it's just not as good. fast food, microwaveable spirituality.

sounds about as appealing as a hot pocket...

but the discipline to wait for and work towards what i really want is harder than i'd like it to be. it's too easy to just take the short cuts, but i'm realizing more and more that it's not only not worth it now, but definitely not in the long run. and yet i'm so used to doing it, it's turning out to be a very hard habit to break.

so how do you retrain yourself? to learn to long and desire and wrestle with waiting and working for what you really want, not settling for imitations along the way? i'm thinking this is a lost art in my life/our generation, where we're so used to just getting things our way, right now. period.

ugh.

i've seen the ugliness of this a lot lately, in myself and others. i have to have things my way, when i want, how i want, at the expense of others. we call it independence or rights or personal preference. the Bible calls it selfishness.

ouch.

but so, so true. we demand and rant and rave and speak without thinking and expect no consequences and really, it makes no sense. we can attack anyone we want, roar and rage with anger over what we don't like about what they're doing, and yet somehow think that no one should ever treat us this way?

what?

no self control over what we say or do. no thought given to anyone or anything else. not really. not overall. sometimes, when it's convenient, but 8 or 9 times out of ten, no. just me.

ugh.

this may not make a lot of sense. i'm still processing it myself, trying to wrap my mind around my own huge lack of self control in what i say and do and think and how it's eating me alive, and then how what happens in my life affects how i interact with others and ultimately their lives and our culture and world and whoa.

so, self control. Lord, have mercy on me...

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

rearview

i was running errands this morning, just driving around town, and i looked up at my rear view mirror, and someone was right on my tail. i mean, waaaaay to close. i hate that. i'm not the best driver, by any means (i have more stupid stories than i care to admit...), but i HATE when people tail me like that. the interstate is one thing, but in town, in 35 mph zone? hello...

so how do i react? well, this would fit in with me not being the best driver.

i usually like to mess with people who drive like idiots. i know, not smart, considering the stories you hear about people chasing other drivers down and going crazy, but sometimes, i just find it hard to resist.

i mean, i'm doing the right thing, just going the speed limit--they're the ones in the wrong...grr...

but i digress.

the real point of this story was not to complain about other peoples' driving, but to share a little insight i had from this experience. as soon as i realized this guy was so close behind me, i couldn't keep my eyes off the rearview mirror. i was appalled, and i kept checking the mirror over and over, thinking that surely, he'd get the hint and back off.

of course, he didn't. he eventually passed me on the right and that was it. but i was still irritated.

the more i thought about it, though, the more i had to ask myself, does this make any sense? i'm totally consumed with what's going on behind me, which really isn't going to affect me, not nearly as much as what's ahead of me for sure. in fact, what's happening behind me really will only affect me as much as i let it. and, since i couldn't keep my eyes off the rearview mirror, the truck behind me was having a lot more of an effect on my driving than it needed to.

but isn't that the way i am with so many things? i keep looking back, keep watching behind me, worrying about other people, things that are outside of my control, things that have already happened and i can't do anything to change, and yet, because i can't take my eyes/mind off of them, i let them continue to affect me.

doesn't make a lot of sense, does it?

i started reading Job today, in the Message, and i'm hoping to get a fresh perspective on this very interesting book. even though i've still got a good 40 chapters to go, i'm already thinking about the ending. he gets everything back, and then some.

how did he handle that? i mean, sheep, etc--that's replaceable, but not people, not your kids. yeah, you can have more kids, as he does, but that doesn't erase the 10 kids he lost in the first chapter of the book.

so, how did Job really feel? how did He trust God the way he did? how did he not get stuck looking back at the past, the rearview mirror of his life and letting that affect his present and future?

lots to think about...

Monday, January 19, 2009

home is...

so, as promised, pictures from the art project this weekend:

these headboards were given to us by Habitat for Humanity, to decorate however we wanted, in a way that would express what home means to us:



we got the idea to turn them into benches...



and from there, they became works of art!










i can't begin to tell you how excited i am about the way they all turned out, or how proud i am of our students for working so hard and so well together! it's so exciting to think about how this will not only benefit Habitat for Humanity (the benches are going to be auctioned off and the money will go to Habitat), but also how awesome of an experience it was for our students. amazing!

for more pictures of us working on the benches, you can click here

for more info on Lafayette Habitat for Humanity and the Home is Where the Art Is project, click here

Sunday, January 18, 2009

decisions

this weekend was quite a lot of fun. very busy with disciple now at church, and especially the art project we did saturday. pictures soon.

i've been thinking about a lot today, but don't have much to say. not yet, at least.

i've been listening to the new Jill Phillips' cd, The Good Things, ever since i bought it a week or so back. this song is called "Any Other Way":

Do you remember that Monday when
The world fell out beneath our feet
Both surprised that we had been
So close to losing everything
Putting one foot in front of the other
felt like such a long, hard step to take
We thought about moving and starting again
But it was something we could never outrun so we just stayed
I wouldn’t have it any other way
I wouldn’t have it any other way

Gaining back the trust we lost
Was harder than just losing it
But if we wanted change at all
The pain was a prerequisite
So little by little, a piece at a time
We were putting back together what was left of a broken life
It wasn’t quick, it wasn’t easy
But that kind of change isn’t one that happens overnight
I wouldn’t have it any other way
I wouldn’t have it any other way

When we first met, love was a feeling
But making it last, that’s a decision
A good decision

When we watch the kids run through the yard
Sometimes I just can’t help but think
That every bit of what it cost
Was worth it for this family
‘cause I wouldn’t have it any other way
I wouldn’t have it any other way
I wouldn’t have it any other way

listen here

the whole song is incredibly powerful, but this one lyric gets me especially:

When we first met, love was a feeling
But making it last, that’s a decision
A good decision

a decision. love. discipline. honesty. integrity. doing the right thing. all decisions. i want so badly to go by what i feel--i'm ruled by my feelings all too often, honestly, but the truth is, when it all comes down, the right thing is often the hardest decision.

i hate that, and yet i know more and more each day that it's so true...

Thursday, January 15, 2009

knowledge, information, wisdom...

going back to one of the things i mentioned the other day: discipleship, getting practical.

i love some of the discipleship classes i've taken, some of the studies i've done, but really, when i stop and think about it, "taking a discipleship class" really sounds kind of ridiculous.

being discipled, becoming more like Christ, is a lifestyle. right?

i think so--i'm definitely seeing that line up more with my life than the idea that i could take a class and then, "check," got that.

no, not so much.

like i said, i've enjoyed the classes i've taken. enjoyed the conversations and the truths learned, but i find that a lot of that tends to end up as head knowledge for me. i have to take the next step and put it into practice and THEN, there's a chance at it really change my life/daily behavior.

and i guess, that would be the whole point of the class, really. to equip us to take the next step.

but, let's face it. do most of us think of what we learn that way?

and not just in Christian circles--with anything. we've become so over saturated by knowledge that's probably mostly useless on a daily basis that somehow i think we're also starting to file away stuff that would actually be useful along with the useless stuff.

for example, i can google pretty much absolutely anything. tons of useless knowledge out there, and now, i can even get it on the go, just by pulling out my cell phone.

insane, really. but what do i do with that knowledge? does it really make a big difference in my daily life, choices, patterns, habits, character? or is it just fun to know?

honestly, i think i just like to know. i like to get on facebook just to know what other people are up to. 9 times out of 10, i'm not going to message or poke them or anything like that, but if they're eating cereal or watching american idol or picking their nose, well, i'll know, because the info is there.

now, this isn't really a bad thing necessarily. not on its own at least, but what concerns me is, how does this thinking about knowledge and information and wisdom affect my view of things that are good and wise and helpful? does it affect my view of God's word and the role it plays in my life, my daily choices?

hmm...gotta run, but much more to think about with this...

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

matthew 6 and 7 and then some...

i had a lot of thoughts earlier, but my brain is feeling a little fried after a busy (but good) wednesday night up at church.

anyway, this morning i read through matthew 6 and 7 in the Message. this is part of the sermon on the mount, and reading it in the Message is just, well, different. mostly in a very good way. it's kind of like a slap in the face at times, being awakened to things i hadn't seen before in the text because i'm so used to reading them in the same translations.

i used to be fairly hardcore, or maybe just dedicated, to my NIV bible, but as i've started reading from several different translations lately, it's really opened my eyes to little things i hadn't seen before. made the word more fresh, if that makes sense. it was good before, and now, it's even better. i think that's happening a lot for me lately. i was always such an ALWAYS person--i wanted to set everything in stone--i'll always like this, i'll always hate that, i always do it this way, etc.

but now, for some reason, most of my alwayses (if that makes sense) are slipping (or leaping) away, and though it was a little weird at first, i really like it now. flexible, more free, less predictable, etc

anyway, back to matthew 6 and 7. a couple passages that jumped out at me:

6:19-26

19-21"Don't hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust or—worse!—stolen by burglars. Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it's safe from moth and rust and burglars. It's obvious, isn't it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being.
22-23"Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have!

24"You can't worship two gods at once. Loving one god, you'll end up hating the other. Adoration of one feeds contempt for the other. You can't worship God and Money both.

25-26"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.

this is all about choice: God or what I want, is what it basically boils down to. but how much time do i spend debating, deliberating, whining and calling it praying, etc? how much time do i waste with all this, when what it boils down to is His way or my way? life or death, as it says in Deuteronomy. hard to swallow at first, but very true, the more i think about it.

this is from somewhere in 6:30-33 "What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving."

this pretty much is me in a nutshell--i get so hung up on getting what i want, what i need, what i want God to give me or do, when what He wants is relationship, and the opportunity to respond to Him, not to expect or demand, if that makes sense.

i started thinking, what if i went through life, through each day, not demanding certain things from you, but just living with expectancy, looking forward to seeing You reveal yourself in unexpected places? could that really be possible? i think so, and i think i want to start thinking more this way.

7:12"Here is a simple, rule-of-thumb guide for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them. Add up God's Law and Prophets and this is what you get.

ah, the golden rule. we all know it, right? but when i read this today, i thought, what if i really lived this way? what if i stopped and thought about things that i love, that make my heart happy, and i just started doing them for others, NOT expecting something in return? and not trying to do them only for people i really like, but for anyone that God put in my path?

that would be a little crazy. but possibly very cool.

so i thought of 2 things to start with: one, physical touch. now, that sounds kind of weird, and it even freaks me out a bit, but i love when someone, in the right moment, gives me a hug or a pat on the back, etc. so what if i got over myself and looked for God given opportunities to do that for others?

and then, asking questions. i love when people really listen and care and ask more than just surface questions. so what if started doing that for others, and really stopping long enough to listen to the answers. that could really change things.

we'll see what happens. more to come...

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

answers

today i swam for almost an hour. it was insane, and yet, so awesome. i walked home from the gym feeling so alive and full and hungry and great. it was fabulous.

i love how God answers prayer in the most surprising and fun ways.

here's the backstory: a while back, i was walking to the gym and whining to God, basically feeling sorry for myself. whoa is me, i'm so lonely and sad and blah blah bad day etc.

not my best moment.

i didn't have any expectations at that point--just knew i needed to work out and try to get back into somewhat of a schedule.

but that's when the most random and surprising thing happened.

after i'd worked out, i ended up talking to one of the trainers. i'd seen her and some other women running outside, and i was like, what were you all up to? so she proceeded to tell me about this mini triathalon thing they're training for, and invited me to join them. two times a week, swimming, running, biking, small group, discipline, etc. i was like, hmm, sounds good, let me think about that.

and as i walked home a few minutes later, all the pieces started fitting together and the light bulbs going off.

what i'd been whining about before was wanting to connect with other people, build relationships, feel like life is a bit more meaningful, get better about exercising, have a more set schedule and be more disciplined. and then BAM, somehow, He works out all the details in one conversation?

hello!

to say God is good feels like an understatement at moments like this. any way i could try to describe Him feels totally inadequate. it's just, wow. seriously?

thank You, Father, for taking care of the details like this. for caring so much about the little things of my life and weaving them together in such amazing and surprising ways.

so, swimming today was rough, but good. and i'm looking forward to more of it. thank You, Dad.

i love You, and more today...

Monday, January 12, 2009

prayer

i'm feeling pretty hot right now. the office is a little warm, but i'm talking about being angry.

A N G R Y

yeah, definitely.

i love working in church and ministry. but sometimes, i hate working with people.

really.

it's ridiculous.

how are we so self centered?

how are we so crazy that we think we know it all?

that each and every individual one of us is right, and everyone else is wrong?

really?

what?

why do we all want our way? why are we so sure that if it went our way, everything would work so well and be good?

why, basically, are we trying to play God?

really, are we crazy?

i'm probably crazy, too, but also definitely M A D.

argh. i hate that. i hate getting so mad at people, and how bent out of shape that i can be too.

i hate that what i see in them, i see in myself too.

why am i so self centered? so selfish? so sure that if things went my way, everything would work out well? so convinced that i have to have the last word, that i have all the answers?

really? ridiculous.

Lord, PLEASE help me to learn in irritating moments and phone calls like this, to learn to see myself through Your eyes and let you grow me to be more like yourself. to love my friends and enemies and friends who act like enemies and enemies that pretend to be friends.

please, PLEASE, teach me to surrender to You and You alone. Please, have mercy on me, and teach me to love others, regardless of the cost. to love and work with a kingdom perspective.

to let go, let go, let go, and trust You.

amen.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

random string of thoughts (somewhat connected...)

i came up to the office with 2 main goals: blog and brainstorm. unfortunately, i'm easily distracted...i should know better by now, but, well...[another goal resolution: stop making excuses!]

lots of things running through my mind, lots of blog ideas, and not enough time (and too many people trying to talk to me on facebook--i really should avoid this thing!)

for future posting:

-being a "yes" man (or woman)
-the single life: the dangers of driving alone
-we are the church
-wisdom, meekness, submitting to God
-disciplship: beyond beth moore--getting practical

right now, i'm going to blog briefly on facebook. oh facebook, how i love/hate you. i love being nosy and knowing what people are up to, and i love the random surprises of, oh, wow you're married! wow, you're having a baby! oh, you broke up!

always fun, though it often feels slightly gossipy...

but i always get overwhelmed--too many people to keep up with, too many messages and posts to respond to, too easy to get really distracted by it. it was all especially great in india, but now, more annoying. esp the chat feature. i always get caught at a bad time, and i feel bad, but i always just want to get off. i find myself wanting to just close the browser and act like my internet connection.

kind of like when i was a kid and i'd hit the phone against the desk and make crackling noises and say, oh, bad connection, gotta go.

haha...like that works. does it? i don't know.

either way, it's dumb. i am the QUEEN of excuses, of putting things off until tomorrow, of all bark and very little bite, talking big and then not following through.

ugh.

dumb.

i don't know why i can get so freaked out and a afaid at times, why i both crave and fear conversation and connection with others. it NEVER fails that anytime i want to talk to people, no one is around, and whenever i'm actually busy, everyone pops up. how does life work that way, really?

who knows...this is me rambling, on a busy sunday afternoon. meeting in 18 minutes and no brainstorming done, but at least i blogged a bit.

sort of :)

Friday, January 9, 2009

more R words

i read an article today while i was at the gym about dealing with family issues around the holidays, and it really got me to thinking. like i mentioned earlier, i get stuck on results, and miss out on relationships with people, in there inevitably messiness.

the article mentioned two more R words that seem to fit right in with this thought: reconciliation and resolution

i think rick warren is the one that wrote the article (for ladies home journal, random, i know), and his point was that we can get to focused on resolution (ie, fixing everying, tidying up relationships and making it all better) and miss out on reconciliation. reconciliation is the idea of not ignoring problems, but not letting them stand in the way of loving the other person and having a relationship with them, at least to some degree. reconciliation focuses on people and relationship ships--resolution focuses on problems and results.

very interesting stuff.

one thought i had though is, what do you do when the other person wants nothing to do with you? when they refuse to resolve or recile anything? how do you love them, treat them lovingly, in that situation.

i'm not really sure about what to do with that, but it's definitely something to think about...probably more on this later.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

"every good question deserves an honest answer"

one of my new years resolutions/goals/whatever this years is to ask more questions.

why?

well, there are a couple reasons. first, i talk to much. i'm very good at not really listening to others because i'm too busy figuring out how i'm going to respond, what great words of wisdom i'm going to shoot back at them to solve all their problems and make the world a better place.

ha.

yeah, i know. ridiculous.

i've been thinking a lot lately about two words: relationships and results. i'm realizing that i get WAY too hung up on results (ie, fixing problems) and end up missing out on relationships. good conversations don't happen if i think i have all the answers, so i want to develop the skill of asking good, thought provoking questions.

i heard it said once that one of the best things you can do with someone, when having a deep, spiritual conversation, is to help them "radically rethink" their position. i think this can't happen through arguments, at least not as often as it happens through a good, honest, disarming question.

and that's another signicant topic. when i talk about questions, i don't mean those sly attempts to prove a point, posed as questions in order to appear innocent and inquisitive.

that's junk [another new years goal: stop cursing. note junk was used here instead of something else].

the way i see it, there are basically 2 kinds of questions (real questions, not just basic information ones): the kind mentioned above, and then those that are asked because the asker genuinely cares about the person they're asking the question. they may even already know the answer, at least to some degree, but they value the relationship with the other enough to ask, to want to know them.

obviously, this is much easier said than done. it's easy to ask annoying, manipulative questions, to attack with questions, to ask and not really want an answer, but to ask and listen and care? that's tough.

but that's what relationships are built from. at least a big part of it.

it's each with people we like, people who draw us in and naturally intrigue us. people we love or realize we could love--these are the ones we could listen to easily.

but what about those people who annoy you? (or me, for that matter). or what about those days when the people we do genuinely love annoy us? when we don't really want to talk to them at all? how do you continue to love and build relationships in those situations?

i don't know all the answers to that, but i definitely believe that asking questions is a part of this. we all want to be known, i believe; even if that desire is buried underneath a lot of junk, it's still there. so to be asked--for our opinion, thoughts, hopes, dreams, whatever--is like an invitation to be known. and that, while scary at first, can be incredibly freeing.

so, i want to be better at relating to others like this. to knowing and loving, those i naturally lean towards and those who i don't. because really, feelings can be quite fleeting and junky, fairly untrustworthy.

i also see examples of God being a very good question asker in the Bible, which is funny, because He obviously would already know the answers. and yet, He asks. He invites us into relationship with Him by not always expecting and demanding, but inviting. very appealing.

so my goal, though not incredibly measurable [another new years goal--figure out how to be more accountable to goals...] is to ask more questions. i'd like to ask at least one really good question a day--really, i'd like to do way more than that, but i'm realizing i'm going to have to get in the habit of it and build up to asking more and talking less.

hopefully this will benefit me and others and maybe even make the world a little better of a place.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

if it makes you happy...

this afternoon i washed my car. in the rain. sometimes i get in a mood and feel like i HAVE TO do something, even if it doesn't make sense at that moment.

my car had been covered in mud since i returned from the lake saturday afternoon. yesterday, i ended up driving everybody around to lunch, etc, and i'm sure it was quite funny to see us packed in there, all covered in mud. i was sure people were staring at the back, where someone had written "just married" in the mud, and wondering what was going on.

or maybe not. sometimes i think i obsess over what other people are thinking about me, when in reality, they probably are not paying any attention to what i look like or what i'm doing. but that's another topic.

this afternoon, i was feeling frustrated. kind of kicking myself, so to say. realizing that i keep doing the same dumb things over and over, expecting different results. hoping that my efforts will eventually lead to my happiness, and convincing myself that if i just work hard enough, if i'm just good enough, nice enough, funny enough, helpful enough, everything enough, i'll be happy, loved, respected, desired, everything.

but life just does not work that way.

i still find myself unhappy at the end of some days, even though i've tried incredibly hard. it's enough to make me want to pull my hair out.

or wash my car in the rain.

i started talking to God as i scrubbed and sprayed away at the mud, and while i didn't feel like i was getting a direct or lightning like answer from Him, the words to this Cheryl Crow song started running through my mind on repeat:

If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the h*ll are you so sad

hmmm...not that Cheryl Crow has a total handle on life and emotions and what not, but she does have a point. do i just build myself up, puff myself up into believing i'm happy, on the right path, when, at the end of the day, i'm sad and lonely?

dumb, definitely.

not sure what to do with all this, but i'm definitely getting tired of finding myself stuck in this same cycle...

Monday, January 5, 2009

20/20

this is bound to be cheesy...

i just had a very surprising and sentimental moment, flipping back through my old desk calendar. i bought this calendar in August 2007, and i just got to the end of it (it covered 18 months). i was about to throw it away, but i wanted to make sure there weren't any important numbers, etc on it that i might need.

i didn't really find any such numbers, but i did have this weird sense of unraveling time, walking through the past in reverse for a few moments. looking at lunch meetings, conferences, trips, parties--all sorts of everyday events, and seeing them now through the present instead of the past. very weird.

surprisingly sentimental. but then again, i love putting pieces together and seeing how things fit--like when i met someone, when connections were made, etc, and this was like a mini journey back through all that.

it's especially weird to look at things that i planned (meetings, events, etc) and know that when i wrote them on the calendar, they were in the future, unknown, etc. some turned out great. some blew up in my face. but now i can look back and see them from a totally different perspective, and something about that just feels both so normal and so strange.

are things any clearer than they were then? well, some are. somethings that were totally unknown are now long done and forgotten. other things, things that maybe even seemed insignificant at the time, turned out to be moments that shaped the future--mine and others'.

i love stuff like this. i love seeing God's hand at work, being able to trace it back through my life, and that seems especially significant for this past year and a half.

yeah, fairly cheesy, yes, i know. but sweet too.

so i didn't throw the calendar away. it's under my desk, and i'm sure i'll get annoyed with it and toss it eventually, but i think i need to keep it for a little bit longer.

man, i'm such a sap :)

Sunday, January 4, 2009

cars, coffee and choices

ever had one of those awesome moments, so full and good and great and then

BAM!

something crazy or bad or at least just annoying happens?

just a few minutes ago, i was pulling back into my driveway after a trip to CC's coffee house, happily sipping an extra hot, skinny caramel latte and singing "from the inside out" (hillsong). as i parked the car, the song wrapped up and i had a few sweet moments of genuine praise and connection with God.

then as i was getting out of the car, i hit my hand on the door or something and splashed caramel latte all over myself. thankfully it wasn't from McDonald's or i may be at the ER right now.

small thing, i know, and mainly just annoying, but i somehow knew i had a choice at that moment. my heart, just seconds before, had felt so pure and full, and now the ugly, angry urgings were rearing their ugly heads. i knew i could get mad and grumpy and spout off a few choice words to try and make myself feel better. it was tempting, for sure.

but in a rare moment of clarity, i realized that while my circumstances had changed for the worse, my heart didn't have to. i didn't have to lose my focus on Him, to break the sweet connection that had been so natural moments before. i could choose to let go of how i was feeling, what i was experiencing, and trust that He was still God and still good, even though i had hot, sticky coffee all over my hands.

very small. very simple. very much nothing on the grand scale of things. but, i think that's why it was important. those big moments, where big choices to praise Him in nightmarish storms don't typically happen because of some super-human strength that descends upon us. they come from a life of discipline, of making small choices because we believe that there are big consequences hinging on the sum total of the little things we do.

while the big moments and big choices may seem to define us, the truth is that character is built in the everyday moments when we choose to trust Him more than our selves or our circumstances.

today, i made the right choice. tomorrow, i might not. that won't change who He is, and what He's up to in my life, and for that i'm truly thankful.

on another quick note: spiritual retreat yesterday was amazing. more on that to come.

Friday, January 2, 2009



this is a pic from last time, when i spent just a day alone at the lake (Oct 2008). Psalm 56:3 has been working its way through my mind/heart for the past 2 months--definitely an amazing day.

retreat

over the past 3 years, i've made a habit of going on little spiritual retreats with God. usually, it's just a matter of turning off the cell phone and blocking off a good 5 or so hours to be alone, at home typically. but this time, i'm changing things up and heading out to the lake with a friend of mine. we're spending the night and coming back tomorrow afternoon. i'm not sure what it's going to look like, but i am getting excited. God has already been speaking so much to me this week, and He never ceases to amaze me on these little retreats with Him.

so, we'll see. more on this later for sure.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

put your best foot forward with a grin

there were quite a few things on my mind earlier that i was tossing around as good ideas to post about, but they seem to all be gone now. probably due to major lack of sleep. last night was great, but i didn't go to bed until 7 am, and while i did sleep most of the day, i'm still pretty groggy.

i had some song in mind earlier, thinking that it was just perfect for this coming year...it's on the tip of my tongue, but i can't

oh wait, now i remember:

Nobody's Got It All Together
By Jill Phillips

Working hard to tie up the loose ends
So hard to decide who you let in
Put your best foot forward with a grin

I can see the fear behind your eyes
Wondering if someone will recognize
You’ve grown tired of keeping up the lies

Don’t whitewash the truth about yourself ‘cause
Nobody’s got it all together
If you want to be like everyone else well
Nobody’s got it all together

I have seen the darkness of my heart
And found a love that taught me its too hard
To walk through life and not let down my guard

What good is it to say "please Savior come"
If there is nothing you need rescue from
Life is something no one has a corner on

Don’t whitewash the truth about yourself ‘cause
Nobody’s got it all together
If you want to be like everyone else well
Nobody’s got it all together

When the parts that are self righteous
Start to disappear
Every other life is
Just another mirror
And life is way too short to run and hide

Don’t whitewash the truth about yourself ‘cause
Nobody’s got it all together
If you want to be like everyone else well
Nobody’s got it all together

(to listen to it live, check this link out)

Jill Phillips is probably one of my favorite singers/song writers, and this song is one of the reasons why. I love the honesty and cleverness of her writing, and I think she's a person I'd actually hang out with in real life.

This song is what I want to characterize 2009...This reality that it's ok to not be perfect or good enough because nobody is. I know that's kind of a "duh" statement, but it's one that I'm realizing I know in my head but don't necessarily KNOW in my heart. I could go on and on about this song, but I think it's pretty self explanatory. Trust Him, let go, stop trying to be good enough.

Easier said than done, for sure.

But it's a new year. Full of potential.