Tuesday, January 6, 2009

if it makes you happy...

this afternoon i washed my car. in the rain. sometimes i get in a mood and feel like i HAVE TO do something, even if it doesn't make sense at that moment.

my car had been covered in mud since i returned from the lake saturday afternoon. yesterday, i ended up driving everybody around to lunch, etc, and i'm sure it was quite funny to see us packed in there, all covered in mud. i was sure people were staring at the back, where someone had written "just married" in the mud, and wondering what was going on.

or maybe not. sometimes i think i obsess over what other people are thinking about me, when in reality, they probably are not paying any attention to what i look like or what i'm doing. but that's another topic.

this afternoon, i was feeling frustrated. kind of kicking myself, so to say. realizing that i keep doing the same dumb things over and over, expecting different results. hoping that my efforts will eventually lead to my happiness, and convincing myself that if i just work hard enough, if i'm just good enough, nice enough, funny enough, helpful enough, everything enough, i'll be happy, loved, respected, desired, everything.

but life just does not work that way.

i still find myself unhappy at the end of some days, even though i've tried incredibly hard. it's enough to make me want to pull my hair out.

or wash my car in the rain.

i started talking to God as i scrubbed and sprayed away at the mud, and while i didn't feel like i was getting a direct or lightning like answer from Him, the words to this Cheryl Crow song started running through my mind on repeat:

If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the h*ll are you so sad

hmmm...not that Cheryl Crow has a total handle on life and emotions and what not, but she does have a point. do i just build myself up, puff myself up into believing i'm happy, on the right path, when, at the end of the day, i'm sad and lonely?

dumb, definitely.

not sure what to do with all this, but i'm definitely getting tired of finding myself stuck in this same cycle...

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