Saturday, February 28, 2009
balance: crazy and growing up
i know i complain about school a lot, but i'm drowning right now...(as you can see in the picture above!).
i don't know why exactly, but today i've just felt crazy. too much to do, too little time, too many choices to make, too much pulling me in good and bad directions. running here and there and making out my psycho to-do lists and checking things off just to keep sane...
i really wanted to do something crazy this afternoon. just run. just disappear. just escape it all. just break something. just scream. just stop.
but welcome to the real world, right?
those hard things that make you strong, those tough choices and no easy way out. ugh.
i was talking to a friend a little while ago, taking a break and hearing about her night, and telling her how crazy i felt, and that i just wanted to do something crazy.
and she was like, ok, so let's do something crazy!
but neither of us could really think of anything.
i think i'm becoming too much of a grown up, and maybe that's not all bad. part of me wants to jump in the car and drive to new orleans and eat beignets at cafe dumonde, but then i think about all the stuff i have to do tomorrow--the commitments i've made this weekend, the papers, packing to go out of town...
the cost is too big. or not worth it, at least.
but it wouldn't have been a few years ago. i was pretty much always game for doing just about anything, and i never imagined i'd grow out of that. not really.
but is it all bad?
i told my friend, after we both realized how much we have to do tomorrow, that maybe we need to take a raincheck on crazy. i don't like that necessarily, but i also don't want to be miserable tomorrow or back out on things i need to do.
a raincheck on crazy...
i'm not sure how that works, if it can work. i love being spontaneous, and yet i also find that i quickly revert to being a psyscho planner, to the point of being manipulative.
i'm feeling a lot of 'what if's lately, and yet also a lot of 'oh well's. i'm not really sure how to balance it out. how to be fun and love life and also not be stupid.
so for now, i'm taking a raincheck on crazy. we'll see what happens...