I'm feeling a little bit of brain overload right now.
It was a good day at school, but trying to process it all, and then trying to process the massive amount of stuff they've put on blackboard for us to work on…well, that's a bit much at the moment.
I love and hate school.
I love the incredible conversations and the ways I've been challenged to think and grow and learn over this past year.
I guess I just wish it could be easier.
But really, that'd be missing the whole point I suppose. It's not easy, and if it was, it probably wouldn't be worth it. or at least, I wouldn't really value it the way I do now. I've had to work harder and read more in seminary than ever before in my school career, and I think that's part of what makes me appreciate it even more. Or, perhaps it's because I already know the intrinsic value of it all that motivates me to work harder?
I don't really know…probably a combination of the two.
But I think it points to a bigger reality: I want everything to be easy. I fear challenges, because I ultimately fear failure. The reality of that has been tugging at me for a week or so, ever since I started reading "If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the boat" by John Ortberg last week. it's for our spiritual formations class, and I have to admit that I wasn't that excited about it at first, but Ortberg got my attention pretty quick.
The whole idea is, Christ calls us to an amazing life with Him. But there's a cost. You can't let fear hold you back. If you want to do great and amazing things with Him, you've got to be where He is: outside of the boat.
And that's the rub.
I like my boat too much. Well, that's not entirely true. I think I like it more than I like the uncertainty of what lies beyond it. more than I can stomach the fear of failure and criticism and rejection.
I don't really like my boat. I don't like the idea of wasting my life. But I'm terrified of failing, because to fail would mean that I'm not good enough.
This is probably a big part of why, 1, I'm feeling so stuck lately, and 2, why God keeps going back to the whole "trust Me" thing.
So Lord, have mercy on me!