weakness

I have SUCH a love/hate relationship with school.

I LOVE learning. I love seeing things fit together and experiencing the "aha," light bulb, click moments where everything suddenly makes sense.

But I hate all the work involved in it!

I guess, really, that kind of sums up my approach to life all too often: laziness.

I just want things to come easily. I've come to expect that, because I can rely on my intelligence and luck and skills and big mouth, and can get away with a lot because of it. I'm not trying to brag, just realizing that I get by without working hard, and that's become the norm for me.

There's a line from a Jill Philips song that's haunted me ever since I heard it in January. The song is called "Small Window of Time," and from what I can tell, it's about someone who basically has it all and always gets their way, etc, and how, eventually, that will come to an end. What gets me is this line:

"Nothing’s ever been hard enough to make you strong"

That totally freaks me out, because I fear it really describes me. Yes, I have been through some challenging moments, but overall, I find that I avoid hard things because I don't want to fail, to look foolish, to feel/be not good enough.

And so, I think I've become very skilled in avoiding, getting out of trouble, etc, and very weak in a lot of the things that will really matter.

In essence, I'm a quitter. I don't like to admit that, and I definitely don't want to deal with it, but there it is.

Hmm...