Thursday, November 29, 2007

more on why

i think another reason i wanted to start this blog goes along with why i got my guitar out at midnight tonight in the first place.
i had frustrating night that turned into something awesome.
i was in a grouchy mood earlier. really grouchy, moving toward pretty much nasty. i was driving and talking to God and telling Him exactly how i felt about the whole situation (and not nicely) and how i didn't know what to do and i was angry, and not really ready to let that go.
where was i going? bible study. of course.
i wanted to go, because we hadn't met in about 2 weeks because of thanksgiving, but i also didn't want to deal with my nastiness, but i knew something had to be done so that i could actually participate in bible study. i didn't want to be fake and perfect, but i also didn't want to nasty towards my friends.
so i drove. and i arrived at my friends house, and everyone was already there. we talked, and laughed and ate awesome snacks. i played around on my friends guitar and got my tail kicked in Uno. and we talked about ephesians 5, the stuff we liked and didn't, and my friend's mom gave us some great insight. oh and another one of my friends showed us her dance to "sexy back." (she did it for her interpretive dance class, believe it or not).
it was about 5 hours of time with people that i'm still just getting to know and love, and i realized as i got in my car that God had used this time and these friends to fill up some of the big cracks that had been exposed earlier in my heart. i knew the anger wasn't all about tonight as i was driving over there, but i didn't have any better idea about what to do with it. so i just told God that, and, somehow, He did something, because there was joy seeping in and deep when i drove home tonight.
everything is not perfect or right or fixed.
i'm still struggling with anger, and i don't know what to do next.
but something good happened tonight.
hope bubbled up, surrounded by laughter and silliness and good pastries.
i think i want to write, to sing, to SHOUT because i am feeling a little bit of a happy buzz on the Spirit, and i'm ready to drink more deeply! (eph 5)
i don't have the answers, but i want to dig and search and process, and hopefully help others along the way.
so, stay tuned and we'll see what happens...

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