Thursday, November 29, 2007

blow your box

i said the above phrase earlier tonight while having coffee with two friends. they both laughed because they thought i was trying to say "blow your mind" but i really meant to say "blow your box."
let me explain.
we were talking about God and i don't remember exactly what i was saying, but it had something to do with God doing things that are way beyond and outside of what we expect--He basically blows open/apart the box that we try to put Him in. it's not always fun, but i would say generally it's pretty amazing and always good, in the long run, at least.
the funny thing about this random and unplanned statement is that it ties in to what i've been thinking about throughout the day today. this morning, i was doing good, other than being tired. then i started thinking about last night and family drama and i got mad again. i read a little in matthew 14 and 15, and thought specifically about the part where Jesus says that if we love Him, we'll obey Him and love others.
so i prayed that He'd help me to love Him more, because asking to love others more, or just be less hatefully angry, hadn't gotten me very far. and then i went to the gym. as i huffed it on the treadmill, i thought about the goodness and joy i'd felt last night before i went to bed and i wanted to feel that way again, but i still was pretty mad. somewhere in all this, i realized something: i may not be able to create or cultivate or force that joy, but i am able to make room for it. i may not be able to get rid of the angry, or to ignore it even, but i can push it to the side enough to let joy in.
or, better yet, i can let Him blow my box as He pushes the joy in. or something like that.
i think it's just this ever-deepening revelation that there's a lot more room to grow in my heart than i'd ever realized. yeah, i'd like to see the bad stuff go, but it might take longer than i'd like because it almost certainly has roots that go down much deeper than i realize, and that's ok.
the key is to make room. to prepare. to expect and await what He has in store, even (and especially) when i have no clue what it's going to be, or what it's going to do to me.

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