i think this writing day 4 of 300...i've been working on some songs and just writing them in my journal, but here's a blog for fun.
i've been moving these past few days--well, moving, cleaning, etc. i have a new job and now a new apartment, and overall, i'd say things are looking pretty up for the start of 2008.
but moving...ah, so aggravating. i mean, there's a little bit of excitement in the idea of new place and all, but i hate moving. it just makes me realize once again just how much junk i have, and how junky most of it really is. i mean, a lot of it has meaning, or at least it did at sometime (pictures, letters, notes, awards, decorations, old school stuff, etc), but really, what do you do with all that? carry it around in boxes for the rest of my life? i don't know, because it's hard to throw away, but the more i move, the easier it gets to at least want to do something about it.
it also makes me think about all the other baggage i carry around--emotionally, spiritually, etc. it's not always as obvious as my boxes in the attic, and it's a lot more mobile, but the problem is it tends to bog me down the most when i least expect it, when it hits the hardest--bad days, stressful times, etc. and it doesn't really stay boxed up very well either--it just comes spilling out, making this huge mess and making whatever situation i'm in way worse.
ugh.
baggage. we all have it--some of just have prettier suitcases than others. i think mine are pretty much being held together by duct tape these days.
but the awesome thing is that it doesn't have to stay that way. in fact, jesus gives a pretty simple answer to our baggage issues: give it to Him. in matthew 11:28-30, He says that we can basically trade our baggage for His, and His is light. even easy.
knowing myself and all the other humans i do, that seems hard to imagine. i mean, i know Jesus was God, but He also lived in this crazy messed up baggage filled world for 30+ years, and yet, He traveled light. and for some reason, He offers to not only show us how to do the same, but to help us out by taking our baggage on Himself.
not just another formula to self help and a new cool life, but an offer of relationship, help, journey together, as He carries our load, and we take on His.
light. no U haul needed, spiritually or literally. amen!
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
(one)
so, i guess it's technically already jan 2nd, but since i'm still awake, this will count as day one of the at least 300 this year that i'm going to write, if that makes sense...
earlier today i was thinking about comparing people. i was thinking about someone i know, and i caught myself thinking, well, at least i don't do ________, like she does. it kind of caught me off guard, and i thought, who cares? why does that make me better and her worse? but i realized that this was the way i'd been looking at not just her, but pretty much everyone else in my life: better or worse than me--sometimes in a general way, and sometimes based on certain categories or criteria, but basically boiling down to being put somewhere on a scale of what i deem best, worst, and all in between.
for some reason, as i thought about writing about this, i decided to find a picture on google that might add to or help express this idea of comparing and how messed up i'm realizing it is. but when i googled "comparing people," i didn't really get a lot of great pictures, so i thought i'd try "judging people."
those are just a couple that came up, but overall they were the same: negative, uncomfortable, mean even.
judging, comparing--i think judging probably sounds worse, but really, they're pretty much the same thing, at least in our social interactions. in the dictionary, they don't really have that similar of definitions--comparing sounds more positive--so maybe it's really judging that i mean more when i think of this negative behavior.
i don't know, because what i see myself doing is looking at what i like and dislike about myself, and then trying to measure that up against other peoples' behaviors and choices and whatnot. i don't know. i haven't really processed it all, but when i thought about this earlier, i thought, this is probably one of the roots of all the mess of society and human nature. categorizing, judging, comparing--whatever you want to call it--this is where we draw lines and pick sides and hurt each other in incredibly stupid and yet deep ways.
i imagine i will have more to come on this as i continue to chew on it...
earlier today i was thinking about comparing people. i was thinking about someone i know, and i caught myself thinking, well, at least i don't do ________, like she does. it kind of caught me off guard, and i thought, who cares? why does that make me better and her worse? but i realized that this was the way i'd been looking at not just her, but pretty much everyone else in my life: better or worse than me--sometimes in a general way, and sometimes based on certain categories or criteria, but basically boiling down to being put somewhere on a scale of what i deem best, worst, and all in between.
for some reason, as i thought about writing about this, i decided to find a picture on google that might add to or help express this idea of comparing and how messed up i'm realizing it is. but when i googled "comparing people," i didn't really get a lot of great pictures, so i thought i'd try "judging people."
those are just a couple that came up, but overall they were the same: negative, uncomfortable, mean even.
judging, comparing--i think judging probably sounds worse, but really, they're pretty much the same thing, at least in our social interactions. in the dictionary, they don't really have that similar of definitions--comparing sounds more positive--so maybe it's really judging that i mean more when i think of this negative behavior.
i don't know, because what i see myself doing is looking at what i like and dislike about myself, and then trying to measure that up against other peoples' behaviors and choices and whatnot. i don't know. i haven't really processed it all, but when i thought about this earlier, i thought, this is probably one of the roots of all the mess of society and human nature. categorizing, judging, comparing--whatever you want to call it--this is where we draw lines and pick sides and hurt each other in incredibly stupid and yet deep ways.
i imagine i will have more to come on this as i continue to chew on it...
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
ramblings about coffee
can i just say that i love coffee? i really do, more than i should. sometimes i think about being married and pregnant someday and not being able to drink coffee so freely and i start to wonder what i'm going to do...and then i remember that i'm single and not pregnant and being a bit ridiculous, not that that's surprising...
anyway, coffee...ah...today i got 2 gift certificates to my favorite coffee shop in town, CCs, and i could not have been more happy. i think what makes it even better for me is that it's not even really just about the rich flavors and variety and what not of the actual drink, but the joy of sharing it with others. yes, i have done the drive thru at CCs and starbucks a time or two, but you just can't compare that to sitting down with friends over a wonderful iced caramel latte and laughing and telling stories and having deep and real conversations. i love that. i love having gift certificates for coffee now so i can have another excuse to go for coffee with others and even treat them if they'll let me. i really wish i could have a job where i take people for good coffee and heart to heart conversations. that would be seriously pretty much perfect.
i think i also love coffee because it's played such a random, yet significant, role in my personal history. my family tradtion has been that dad brings coffee milk to the kids when he wakes them up in the morning. i didn't always appreciate this as a kid, but i've always liked the idea of how it was a tradition, because my papa had done it for his kids as well. i'll do it for my kids too, i imagine, or get my husband to bring it to them and me :)
other than that, though, i didn't really start drinking coffee regularly until i lived with my grandma for 2 years. it was our morning routine to wake up and have breakfast and coffee. for a while, we also had a wednesday morning routine of cooking biscuits and sausage and eggs and having dad and my brother and whoever else was up over, but that faded as miles started a new school schedule and grandma's health declined. but the two of us still had coffee and at least cereal most every morning, and even if we didn't talk much, it was still a sweet part of the day.
india is where i think i truly became addicted to coffee, which seems kind of funny since it's really more known for chai/tea. but coffee shops are popping up everywhere there now, and it's so cheap that we could easily go out for coffee mulitple times a week, esp in the last few months i was there, when our friends opened a coffee shop down the street from our apartment. we could even have coffee and sweets delivered to our door! truly dangerous...
but india is where it became a community thing. our supervisors had lived in mexico, and they drank coffee ALL the time, all hours of the day. and when i got a big coffee pot for my birthday, my roommates went from occasionally drinking coffee to having it every morning with me, as well as many afternoons and evenings with sweets and friends.
i can't say that it's taken over my life (though i won't deny that i am seriously addicted to caffiene), but coffee has definitely become a significant part of my life, if that makes sense. i guess it's really not the coffee itself, but the way it seems to be such a perfect thing for community to develop around, and that is where my heart really is. and, hey, it doesn't hurt that it tastes good too.
i'm not going to read back over this to see if it really makes sense, so forgive me if it's extra rambly...i should be packing right now for my upcoming wedding trip to alabama and california, but, well, i am a procrastinator at heart. ah well.
anyway, coffee...ah...today i got 2 gift certificates to my favorite coffee shop in town, CCs, and i could not have been more happy. i think what makes it even better for me is that it's not even really just about the rich flavors and variety and what not of the actual drink, but the joy of sharing it with others. yes, i have done the drive thru at CCs and starbucks a time or two, but you just can't compare that to sitting down with friends over a wonderful iced caramel latte and laughing and telling stories and having deep and real conversations. i love that. i love having gift certificates for coffee now so i can have another excuse to go for coffee with others and even treat them if they'll let me. i really wish i could have a job where i take people for good coffee and heart to heart conversations. that would be seriously pretty much perfect.
i think i also love coffee because it's played such a random, yet significant, role in my personal history. my family tradtion has been that dad brings coffee milk to the kids when he wakes them up in the morning. i didn't always appreciate this as a kid, but i've always liked the idea of how it was a tradition, because my papa had done it for his kids as well. i'll do it for my kids too, i imagine, or get my husband to bring it to them and me :)
other than that, though, i didn't really start drinking coffee regularly until i lived with my grandma for 2 years. it was our morning routine to wake up and have breakfast and coffee. for a while, we also had a wednesday morning routine of cooking biscuits and sausage and eggs and having dad and my brother and whoever else was up over, but that faded as miles started a new school schedule and grandma's health declined. but the two of us still had coffee and at least cereal most every morning, and even if we didn't talk much, it was still a sweet part of the day.
india is where i think i truly became addicted to coffee, which seems kind of funny since it's really more known for chai/tea. but coffee shops are popping up everywhere there now, and it's so cheap that we could easily go out for coffee mulitple times a week, esp in the last few months i was there, when our friends opened a coffee shop down the street from our apartment. we could even have coffee and sweets delivered to our door! truly dangerous...
but india is where it became a community thing. our supervisors had lived in mexico, and they drank coffee ALL the time, all hours of the day. and when i got a big coffee pot for my birthday, my roommates went from occasionally drinking coffee to having it every morning with me, as well as many afternoons and evenings with sweets and friends.
i can't say that it's taken over my life (though i won't deny that i am seriously addicted to caffiene), but coffee has definitely become a significant part of my life, if that makes sense. i guess it's really not the coffee itself, but the way it seems to be such a perfect thing for community to develop around, and that is where my heart really is. and, hey, it doesn't hurt that it tastes good too.
i'm not going to read back over this to see if it really makes sense, so forgive me if it's extra rambly...i should be packing right now for my upcoming wedding trip to alabama and california, but, well, i am a procrastinator at heart. ah well.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
hope bubbles
when i was in the check out line at walmart earlier, i had something to blog about, but i seem to have lost it. it was something, because i was feeling pretty overwhelmed this evening--i almost cried right there in the line with the 15 other people waiting to check out (and it wasn't just because it was so ridiculous in there!).
i don't know. today hasn't been a bad day. i've actually had fun, hanging out with friends, eating good food, watching football, helping out a friend's family, not being stuck at home. all good stuff. and yet i still feel so sad. so lost and confused and just plain mad about it all. i want SO much to know what the heck i'm supposed to do next with my life, and yet, every time i turn around i feel still so unsure, so confused and so frustrated and lonely.
i'm 27. i don't have a job. i'm not seeing anyone. i live with my parents. i have no real direction about what i want to do with my life. (insert expletive)
i had a little flash back moment earlier to a time when stuff like this would just totally overwhelm me to the point of just wanting to give up on it all. i thought about that for a moment and then i thought about how that hope is still bubbling up in my heart. painfully. but none the less, still there. i hate some days, some moments and decisions, but i don't hate life like i used to, and i think that's something to feel good about. there is Someone who will never let me go, and has and will NOT fail or forget or leave me, and when i let that sink in, hope bubbles a little more.
thank You.
i also heard once that when you have a bad day, sometimes the best thing you can do is just to go to sleep and hope that tomorrow is better, which sounds really good right about now.
i don't know. today hasn't been a bad day. i've actually had fun, hanging out with friends, eating good food, watching football, helping out a friend's family, not being stuck at home. all good stuff. and yet i still feel so sad. so lost and confused and just plain mad about it all. i want SO much to know what the heck i'm supposed to do next with my life, and yet, every time i turn around i feel still so unsure, so confused and so frustrated and lonely.
i'm 27. i don't have a job. i'm not seeing anyone. i live with my parents. i have no real direction about what i want to do with my life. (insert expletive)
i had a little flash back moment earlier to a time when stuff like this would just totally overwhelm me to the point of just wanting to give up on it all. i thought about that for a moment and then i thought about how that hope is still bubbling up in my heart. painfully. but none the less, still there. i hate some days, some moments and decisions, but i don't hate life like i used to, and i think that's something to feel good about. there is Someone who will never let me go, and has and will NOT fail or forget or leave me, and when i let that sink in, hope bubbles a little more.
thank You.
i also heard once that when you have a bad day, sometimes the best thing you can do is just to go to sleep and hope that tomorrow is better, which sounds really good right about now.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
blow your box
i said the above phrase earlier tonight while having coffee with two friends. they both laughed because they thought i was trying to say "blow your mind" but i really meant to say "blow your box."
let me explain.
we were talking about God and i don't remember exactly what i was saying, but it had something to do with God doing things that are way beyond and outside of what we expect--He basically blows open/apart the box that we try to put Him in. it's not always fun, but i would say generally it's pretty amazing and always good, in the long run, at least.
the funny thing about this random and unplanned statement is that it ties in to what i've been thinking about throughout the day today. this morning, i was doing good, other than being tired. then i started thinking about last night and family drama and i got mad again. i read a little in matthew 14 and 15, and thought specifically about the part where Jesus says that if we love Him, we'll obey Him and love others.
frustrating.
so i prayed that He'd help me to love Him more, because asking to love others more, or just be less hatefully angry, hadn't gotten me very far. and then i went to the gym. as i huffed it on the treadmill, i thought about the goodness and joy i'd felt last night before i went to bed and i wanted to feel that way again, but i still was pretty mad. somewhere in all this, i realized something: i may not be able to create or cultivate or force that joy, but i am able to make room for it. i may not be able to get rid of the angry, or to ignore it even, but i can push it to the side enough to let joy in.
or, better yet, i can let Him blow my box as He pushes the joy in. or something like that.
i think it's just this ever-deepening revelation that there's a lot more room to grow in my heart than i'd ever realized. yeah, i'd like to see the bad stuff go, but it might take longer than i'd like because it almost certainly has roots that go down much deeper than i realize, and that's ok.
the key is to make room. to prepare. to expect and await what He has in store, even (and especially) when i have no clue what it's going to be, or what it's going to do to me.
let me explain.
we were talking about God and i don't remember exactly what i was saying, but it had something to do with God doing things that are way beyond and outside of what we expect--He basically blows open/apart the box that we try to put Him in. it's not always fun, but i would say generally it's pretty amazing and always good, in the long run, at least.
the funny thing about this random and unplanned statement is that it ties in to what i've been thinking about throughout the day today. this morning, i was doing good, other than being tired. then i started thinking about last night and family drama and i got mad again. i read a little in matthew 14 and 15, and thought specifically about the part where Jesus says that if we love Him, we'll obey Him and love others.
frustrating.
so i prayed that He'd help me to love Him more, because asking to love others more, or just be less hatefully angry, hadn't gotten me very far. and then i went to the gym. as i huffed it on the treadmill, i thought about the goodness and joy i'd felt last night before i went to bed and i wanted to feel that way again, but i still was pretty mad. somewhere in all this, i realized something: i may not be able to create or cultivate or force that joy, but i am able to make room for it. i may not be able to get rid of the angry, or to ignore it even, but i can push it to the side enough to let joy in.
or, better yet, i can let Him blow my box as He pushes the joy in. or something like that.
i think it's just this ever-deepening revelation that there's a lot more room to grow in my heart than i'd ever realized. yeah, i'd like to see the bad stuff go, but it might take longer than i'd like because it almost certainly has roots that go down much deeper than i realize, and that's ok.
the key is to make room. to prepare. to expect and await what He has in store, even (and especially) when i have no clue what it's going to be, or what it's going to do to me.
more on why
i think another reason i wanted to start this blog goes along with why i got my guitar out at midnight tonight in the first place.
i had frustrating night that turned into something awesome.
i was in a grouchy mood earlier. really grouchy, moving toward pretty much nasty. i was driving and talking to God and telling Him exactly how i felt about the whole situation (and not nicely) and how i didn't know what to do and i was angry, and not really ready to let that go.
where was i going? bible study. of course.
i wanted to go, because we hadn't met in about 2 weeks because of thanksgiving, but i also didn't want to deal with my nastiness, but i knew something had to be done so that i could actually participate in bible study. i didn't want to be fake and perfect, but i also didn't want to nasty towards my friends.
so i drove. and i arrived at my friends house, and everyone was already there. we talked, and laughed and ate awesome snacks. i played around on my friends guitar and got my tail kicked in Uno. and we talked about ephesians 5, the stuff we liked and didn't, and my friend's mom gave us some great insight. oh and another one of my friends showed us her dance to "sexy back." (she did it for her interpretive dance class, believe it or not).
it was about 5 hours of time with people that i'm still just getting to know and love, and i realized as i got in my car that God had used this time and these friends to fill up some of the big cracks that had been exposed earlier in my heart. i knew the anger wasn't all about tonight as i was driving over there, but i didn't have any better idea about what to do with it. so i just told God that, and, somehow, He did something, because there was joy seeping in and deep when i drove home tonight.
everything is not perfect or right or fixed.
i'm still struggling with anger, and i don't know what to do next.
but something good happened tonight.
hope bubbled up, surrounded by laughter and silliness and good pastries.
i think i want to write, to sing, to SHOUT because i am feeling a little bit of a happy buzz on the Spirit, and i'm ready to drink more deeply! (eph 5)
i don't have the answers, but i want to dig and search and process, and hopefully help others along the way.
so, stay tuned and we'll see what happens...
i had frustrating night that turned into something awesome.
i was in a grouchy mood earlier. really grouchy, moving toward pretty much nasty. i was driving and talking to God and telling Him exactly how i felt about the whole situation (and not nicely) and how i didn't know what to do and i was angry, and not really ready to let that go.
where was i going? bible study. of course.
i wanted to go, because we hadn't met in about 2 weeks because of thanksgiving, but i also didn't want to deal with my nastiness, but i knew something had to be done so that i could actually participate in bible study. i didn't want to be fake and perfect, but i also didn't want to nasty towards my friends.
so i drove. and i arrived at my friends house, and everyone was already there. we talked, and laughed and ate awesome snacks. i played around on my friends guitar and got my tail kicked in Uno. and we talked about ephesians 5, the stuff we liked and didn't, and my friend's mom gave us some great insight. oh and another one of my friends showed us her dance to "sexy back." (she did it for her interpretive dance class, believe it or not).
it was about 5 hours of time with people that i'm still just getting to know and love, and i realized as i got in my car that God had used this time and these friends to fill up some of the big cracks that had been exposed earlier in my heart. i knew the anger wasn't all about tonight as i was driving over there, but i didn't have any better idea about what to do with it. so i just told God that, and, somehow, He did something, because there was joy seeping in and deep when i drove home tonight.
everything is not perfect or right or fixed.
i'm still struggling with anger, and i don't know what to do next.
but something good happened tonight.
hope bubbled up, surrounded by laughter and silliness and good pastries.
i think i want to write, to sing, to SHOUT because i am feeling a little bit of a happy buzz on the Spirit, and i'm ready to drink more deeply! (eph 5)
i don't have the answers, but i want to dig and search and process, and hopefully help others along the way.
so, stay tuned and we'll see what happens...
this is my most recent whole song, which is sad, because i wrote it over a year ago. but it's also one of my favorites. my friend shannon was leaving india and wrote a blog that inspired me, and so, this song.
Reflections on the Journey OR Joy in the Journey
(17 November 2006)
G Am* C G
It took more than just a step of faith
To follow You to such a strange place
But now the strange has become home
A home like none I have ever known
With friends who became my family
It turned out not so different from what I left behind
But now it’s time for me to carry on
A new chapter has begun
It’s time to say goodbye to this part of my journey
Em C G Em* (4x)
And I’m torn, because I long to see what You have in store
But this broken land my heart will not release
So I’ll step out in faith like I did when I followed You here
Because this strange place has made a home in me
C G Am* Em C G Em*
There is joy in the journey
Though it breaks our hearts to take some steps
In faith we find
You’ve been leading us all along
C G Am* Em C
There is joy in the journey
For when we follow You
We find out who
We really are…
I’ve learned it takes more than a step of faith
To follow You to each new strange place
But somehow You make the strange become home
So I’ll rejoice in what the daybreak brings
As You teach me new songs to sing
Of Your grace, through the joy and the pain
And through the sweetest of joys and the hardest of blows
My heart can rest where Your Spirit goes
Because I know You’ll always be walking with me
Em C G Em* (2x)
They say time heals all wounds
But I pray that it leaves
A broken piece in me
To remember each place,
And who I became
Every step of this journey…
C G Am* Em C G Em*
There is joy in the journey
Though it breaks our hearts to take some steps
In faith we find
You’ve been leading us all along
C G Am* Em C
There is joy in the journey
For when we follow You
We find out who
We really are
When we follow You
We find out who
We really are…
Reflections on the Journey OR Joy in the Journey
(17 November 2006)
G Am* C G
It took more than just a step of faith
To follow You to such a strange place
But now the strange has become home
A home like none I have ever known
With friends who became my family
It turned out not so different from what I left behind
But now it’s time for me to carry on
A new chapter has begun
It’s time to say goodbye to this part of my journey
Em C G Em* (4x)
And I’m torn, because I long to see what You have in store
But this broken land my heart will not release
So I’ll step out in faith like I did when I followed You here
Because this strange place has made a home in me
C G Am* Em C G Em*
There is joy in the journey
Though it breaks our hearts to take some steps
In faith we find
You’ve been leading us all along
C G Am* Em C
There is joy in the journey
For when we follow You
We find out who
We really are…
I’ve learned it takes more than a step of faith
To follow You to each new strange place
But somehow You make the strange become home
So I’ll rejoice in what the daybreak brings
As You teach me new songs to sing
Of Your grace, through the joy and the pain
And through the sweetest of joys and the hardest of blows
My heart can rest where Your Spirit goes
Because I know You’ll always be walking with me
Em C G Em* (2x)
They say time heals all wounds
But I pray that it leaves
A broken piece in me
To remember each place,
And who I became
Every step of this journey…
C G Am* Em C G Em*
There is joy in the journey
Though it breaks our hearts to take some steps
In faith we find
You’ve been leading us all along
C G Am* Em C
There is joy in the journey
For when we follow You
We find out who
We really are
When we follow You
We find out who
We really are…
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